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I don’t know how to help my teenager!

LCJ

This is more of a post to see if anyone else is in or has been in the same situation. My 17 year old son was diagnosed with autism during lockdown. Of course, this was not news to us as a family, more of a ‘certificate of authenticity’ as proof to gain support at school. Despite our best efforts to get support emotionally in school and outside of it, he has always struggled with his diagnosis. We tried, but perhaps we didn’t do enough to support him process these emotions he was feeling (confusion, anger, frustration). 
fast forward 2/3 years and he is now 17, and in his second year at college, and we are experiencing what some might call ‘typical’ teen behaviour in the extreme, but his behaviour, attitude and whole self are having an enormous impact on him and the entire family (not in order of most concerning); his college attendance is 35%, as he refuses to go most days for a variety of reasons; he lies in bed all day; spends 95% of his time on his phone; he is verbally abusive/rude/obnoxious/entitled; his eating habits are absolutely shocking, everything is fried and spicy; he goes out with friends in the evening, not an issue mostly as am glad he leaves the house and has a social circle but I strongly suspect he is using drugs. His mental health is at an all time low-unsurprisingly and we have tried several avenues to get him help, the GP refer to CAMHS, who reject him, the support and counsellors we do find, he attends once or twice and then stops going as doesn’t see the point or doesn’t like them. This is already long so I’ll stop there but there are many, many things that are affecting him and the family is being severely impacted to the point where his younger sister is now seeing a counsellor. Has anyone been through similar or have any thoughts? 

Parents

  • What is he studying at college and what level? Is it something he enjoys? If not, is there something else he could do?

    I went to college when I was 16 because, whilst I did OK at school, I was desperate to move on (5 years is a /long/ time at that age). I did a subject I found really interesting and did very well. This was a bit of a challenge which I had to push through because other people had decided for me that I was highly academic, and I should do academic subjects and pursue a career in IT. In reality, I hate IT (it is one of the more boring and tedious subjects there is), and I learn things by doing them. If I'd stayed at 6th form I would have been bored stiff and not got anywhere.

    I subsequently did another [part time] course which was badly run. It was boring; I was excluded from class discussions by teachers and penalised for attempting to use my time wisely by going to the library instead. I gave up on this course. I eventually needed the money so I  claimed benefits and then got a job.

    I'm mentioning this basically because it might take your son some time to figure out what he wants or needs to do. With regards to college, he might benefit by trying a more interesting subject. If its too hard, he might need to do a lower level. If its too easy and he finds it boring then he might need to do something more challenging. 

    Lots of people (especially children/teenagers) had a hard time during lockdown and I think many will never really recover from it.

    You say he doesn't see the point in counselling. That's important because counselling has to have a 'point'. People go to counsellors because they want to talk confidentially about specific issues, like depression, emotions, life, etc. Not because the doctor told them to, or the parent told them to. For therapy to be effective he will need to have some understanding of what it will and won't achieve and why. If not, its not worth bothering with. 

    Sorry I don't have a solution as such, but I hope that helps.

Reply

  • What is he studying at college and what level? Is it something he enjoys? If not, is there something else he could do?

    I went to college when I was 16 because, whilst I did OK at school, I was desperate to move on (5 years is a /long/ time at that age). I did a subject I found really interesting and did very well. This was a bit of a challenge which I had to push through because other people had decided for me that I was highly academic, and I should do academic subjects and pursue a career in IT. In reality, I hate IT (it is one of the more boring and tedious subjects there is), and I learn things by doing them. If I'd stayed at 6th form I would have been bored stiff and not got anywhere.

    I subsequently did another [part time] course which was badly run. It was boring; I was excluded from class discussions by teachers and penalised for attempting to use my time wisely by going to the library instead. I gave up on this course. I eventually needed the money so I  claimed benefits and then got a job.

    I'm mentioning this basically because it might take your son some time to figure out what he wants or needs to do. With regards to college, he might benefit by trying a more interesting subject. If its too hard, he might need to do a lower level. If its too easy and he finds it boring then he might need to do something more challenging. 

    Lots of people (especially children/teenagers) had a hard time during lockdown and I think many will never really recover from it.

    You say he doesn't see the point in counselling. That's important because counselling has to have a 'point'. People go to counsellors because they want to talk confidentially about specific issues, like depression, emotions, life, etc. Not because the doctor told them to, or the parent told them to. For therapy to be effective he will need to have some understanding of what it will and won't achieve and why. If not, its not worth bothering with. 

    Sorry I don't have a solution as such, but I hope that helps.

Children
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