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Violence and aggression from my young adult son

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Hi my son is 17 and autistic. He has pretty extreme episodes of rage where he can be physically violent to members of the family. He also screams and swears and shouts that he hates us. It has been so extreme that twice the police have been involved. He previously only did this behind closed doors but will now do it out in public. The assaults are becoming more extreme and more regular.

The problem is that we have other vulnerable people in the house. His sister is disabled and has seizures and chronic fatigue. My son will attack his sister and she can't fight back. She's living in fear. We've tried to get support from Social Services, Safeguarding and CAMHS but nothing yet.

When I tried to speak with him about it he said that this is a normal part of autism and we should learn to live with it - many autistic people have anger episodes.

I am sympathetic to his own difficulties, but I feel like I'm being gaslit into accepting domestic violence.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is violence in the home common in autistic families as he suggests?

  • I have similar troubles with my step son who’s diagnosed autism with PDA traits. He’s only 10 but has shown aggressive behaviour on and off over the years due to his need for control, low tolerance for noise and other distractions. Even losing a game can create this explosive rage where he trashes the room, throws things, attacks people. In the end you have to restrain him because he’s either going to hurt someone else or himself so I really empathise with you here. Sometimes he gets to a point where he’s not listening anymore, logic has left the building, emotions have taken over and you are actively ducking and diving out of the way of missiles. Every case is different but you are not alone, I hope at the very least this is a place you can get it all off your chest a little.

  • in reply to Apple

    I suggest reading the articles linked in my previous reply and seeking support from your GP. 

  • What is his level of understanding like?

    Autistic people can be violent as can any other human. For some this is completely unintentional and when in that mode of crisis just do not know what they're doing or have control over their behaviour. Usually by the age your son is, this tends to sway  towards individuals with very high support needs and probably limited understanding over their triggers and behaviours.

    It is certainly not true to say that violence is a part of being autistic. Most of us are not violent. The fact that he can justify his actions with these words suggests to me he does understand his behaviour. 

    Now I'm not taking away from his difficulties and triggers but most of us can learn to manage our triggers in a way that would not end in violence. Such as retreating to a safe space. If he has the understanding then I feel that it is important, whilst acknowledging what is difficult for him, that his violence isn't just accepted but he is encouraged to learn better coping strategies.

  • I have a 11 year old autistic son who during meltdowns hits himself and is becoming very aggressive. Any tips on how to deal with this also. Many thanks

  • Its difficult to know how 'normal' it is without speaking to him about it personally.

    I think it could be one of three potential issues. 1) A symptom of Autism (or other related condition). 2) Actual domestic abuse, or 3) Frustration.

    If it is number 3, then it could be because he is growing up and wants to get on with normal life, but can't. e.g. He might be lonely/isolated, or can't get a job, or is on the receiving end of bullying/harassment/discrimination and is angry about this and/or can't communicate it or isn't understood by anyone. Bare this in mind before considering 1 or 2.

  • I'm not, indeed the opposite as I avoid conflict. But it was one of the questions in the assessment and is noted in my report, so I assume it is a feature that can occur.

    Regardless it's not going to be acceptable as an adult, and isn't right now. I think you're right to be concerned.

    He should withdraw if he feels he is getting disregulated. I don't think it is right to expect others to accept physical threats or violence.

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I'm sorry to hear of your family's struggles.

    In addition to seeking medical support, you might find the advice in these resources helpful:

    NAS - Distressed behaviour

    NAS - Autism and anger management - a guide for parents and carers

    NAS - Meltdowns

    The Challenging Behaviour Foundation

    You might also like to seek emotional support from other parents who are in a similar situation, via the NAS's parent-to-parent helpline:

    NAS - Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline