bullying and our childrens inflexibility of thoughts or situations

Hello all,

This is just a reminder or warning of how our childrens way of thinking (often not flexible and very naive) can get them into trouble.  It was another eye opener for me!

My son (age 7) had a couple of friends over yesterday, He only has a handful of friends as he is now homeschooled.   He is a very clever boy with ASD (Aspergers).

They were happily playing in the garden with me not letting them out of my sight which bothered them no end, but i know my son can ignore dangers if excited and he can be naive and very eager to please (sound familier)!  Still they seemed to be having a great time building a den etc.

My son was even  very upset when the boys left,  but then half an hour later we were talking about games they had been playing when my son asked about poisonous plants in the garden?!  I told him we had a few as he well knew, or so i thought as we always mention dangerous plants when out and about, my husband works in conservation and we live in the country and spend alot of time outdoors.  My son loves wildlife.

Anyway to cut the story short he then burst into tears saying he had been forced to eat plants from the garden as part of a game by the other two boys, he refused but was then bullied into it he was pushed etc until he gave in.  He did not think of just getting me who would have been in the front part of the garden taking my eyes off of them for a moment!   He told me he had eaten Rhubarb leaves, which i knew were poisonous and geraniums, grass etc.  It was a collection of different leaves chopped up!!

  He started to panic and i mean really panic, saying he did not want to die, (i do not think he really understood the consequences of a poisonous plant i.e possible death!) whilst i checked on the internet for information and phoned our Doctors as he was now feeling sick and having difficulty breathing!  It seemed he ate about a teaspoon sized amount but i was so worried as we have foxgloves and other deadly plants in the garden.

The doctor reassured us after checking her books he did not seem to have eaten enough to do real harm maybe a sore stomach.  I think he was  also having a  panic attack at the thought of what he had done.

I checked his heartrate frequently afterwards and watched for any other symptoms but thankfully this morning all seems fine.  I think the majority of the symptoms were him panicking.

But my main reason for typing this is as a reminder that even our High functioning kids can be caught out by their inflexibility of thought.  I would never have dreamed my son would be so silly as to do something like that. On talking to him afterwards i asked was he not aware of the dangers, he said we had told him of poisonous plants before but he did not realise we had them in our garden!  I possibly had not been specific enough in my previous warnings.  He did not think to get me?! He is easily persuaded and keen to please so a bullies dream target, even with me watching them! He proudly told me afterwards he did have clean hands before eating the leaves though!!  

He still wants the boys over again!! and still regards them as friends?! ( i am not sure what i will do regards that yet) I wish i could wrap him in cottonwool and protect him from all the stupid children out there but i cannot.  I will however ensure i try and emphasise all warnings to every scenario making dangers as clear as possible because i just know if someone is going to get hurt it would be our gullable, lovely sensitive children trying to make and keep friends.

We have to look out for them.

A very relieved cannot stop cuddling him this morning,

Puffin

  • I have two sons with ASD. One has been so traumatized by bullying that he's been a virtual recluse, the other is a sensory seeker and we can't keep him still. 

    The first had his hair set alight on a bus on his way to School in front of my husband. He was minding his own business and a total stranger tried to set his hair on fire. This set his independence back years. We subsequently had to drive him everywhere and he lost his newfound independence of learning to use public transport. Apart from the considerable expense to getting him to School etc the emotional damage was immense. The incident was years ago now, but he's still affected deeply. In the past 6 months we've made some progress and reintroduced him to public transport with pick-ups at strategic spots, but then he was assaulted by a couple of thugs with rocks whilst waiting for me to pick him up. Not stones mind, but rocks!

    He begged me not to call the police as the reporting of the 1st assault was as traumatic as the assault itself. Against my better judgement I agreed not to call them.

    There is something about him that screams victim and there is nothing I can do to change that. He begun just recently to go out locally and it's a delight not to see him indoors and trying to venture back out into this scary world. His only hope it seems maybe to learn to drive. That way he'd be safe in his own bubble, at least until he got to his destination.

    My other son is outdoor man, but easy pray to those with ill intent. He's had his wallet emptied and personal possessions taken and I fear for the company he keeps because he cannot recognize signs others see a mile off.

    I have one child i'm pushing out the door to experience life beyond his bedroom and the other i'm trying to rein in, lest he get hurt.

    I will always fear for them both. They are good kids, with big hearts, but I guess we have to let them find their way. 

    Still breaks my heart each time their hurt though. Wish I could make it better for them.

  • I'm not sure I'd say anything to the parents unless you doing it in a way that was warning them of the danger as well.  I'd be more inclinded to say something to the boys though, next time they come over.

    My daugher had a nasty manipulative friend that she met when she started high school.  The girl didn't have many friends because she'd just moved to the area and she must have seen victim written all over my daughter.  One day, she came round to call for my daughter to go to the park and while K was getting ready, I had a word in this girls ear.  She didn't come back for a long time :-)  I wasn't nasty or agressive, just pointed out that she needed to treat my daughter like a friend should be treated and if she didn't want her as a friend, to stop coming round and ringing her.

  • Hi Azalea,

    Your sisters experience sounds just like something my son would do and say, he just cannot seem to see when others are being bad.

    Its strange because when we watch televeision together i often use that as a tool and ask " is that a good thing to do" or " is that person being good or bad" etc to try and help teach him wrong and right in certain situations and i point out feelings expressed on the TV, he seems to get it then, but struggles in real life scenarios?  too much going on at a time maybe, that with his wanting friends so badly.

    When the Dr was chastising my son for doing what he did she said "never eat anything from the garden flowers or berries if you are not sure what they are", he replied "no i would never eat berries before thay were washed!" again he just misses the point and he is clever and is so cautious usually but not yesterday!

    It is quite scary, not sure i will ever stop worrying about him, its hard letting him be independant when ever fibre in me is shouting "keep him close" !

    He now has a Hamster as well as the two gerbils Azalea, He names his hamster Polar bear as he is white, he is a lovely little thing really cute and friendly, really tempting to just surround  by son with animal friends that bring him so much joy and affection. 

    Hope all is well with you :)

    Puffin

  • Thanks intenseworld i will do, he has pleaded with me not to say something but i feel i should.  He just does not have that many friends that are happy to come over for a play date and i know we could do without these but i do worry about him he loves company and seeks out friendships, he is just so trusting.  We live in a very small remote community and i am running out of children he can have over that (a)want to come and  (b)are not bad influences!

    We are all still reeling over yesterdays events it all could have been much more serious.

    Puffin

  • Thank you for your comments Crazy darkside.  Well done your son for saying no, that is a great sign.  i hope my son starts to realise he can say no or walk away, until then he is vulnerable.

    He even does martial arts with our encouragement and is almost a brown belt, but recently when at a birthday party ( a rare event, i accompany him  for moral support)  I saw a child pour water over my sons lap obviously on purpose, (the same child used to bully him at school before we took him out).  I know its probably wrong of me but i actually pulled my son to one side and told him "if that boy does it again hit him"!  But my son said "no" as when he practices on his dad it hurts his Dad and he did not want to hurt this boy as he would get in trouble!  I assured him not by me, but he would still not defend himself!

    I will continue to try and help him see the good and the bad and pick him up when he falls, it just breaks my heart to see him bullied when he is such a good person.

    Thank you and good luck.

    Puffin

  • I would have a word with the other boys' parents because what they did was very wrong.

  • Hi puffin,

    My son has Aspegers, and is 12, he is doing four half days at school at the moment for various reasons and I totally understand whhere you are coming from.  I know with my young man at the end of last year there was a horrible incident at school, where he got involved in a dare club, there was himsel, one other boy and 2 girls, and they basically played a game of you  touch my privates, etc etc.  My young man said much later after he had done some serious self harmthat he was pushed in to it, he knew it was wrong, and he wanted to help the girls, but he froze.  Now bear in mind the school knew the ring leader was forceful and that my son was very vulnerable, and they did nothing, they didn't even tell the parents of the children involved.

    I am lucky that he changed schools at the end of the year, and is now at a mainstream high school, with a specialist support unit for children with ASD.  The knock on effects for him from this event have been massive, he treid to commit suicide, and has ended up needing antidepressents.  When I approached his primary school to explain all of this, they said, that my boy was just naughty, he didn't have ASD and maybe I should learn to control him better!!

    I am so tempted to wrap my son in cottonwool, it was the hardest thing in the world letting him go to the same high school as children he has had problems with in the past, and he does have problems, BUT he is getting better at choosing his friends, and standing up for himself.  He was being laughed at by one of the boys involved, and being pressured to join in with writitng on the school toilet walls, and he was able to say no, and went to the support unit.  I was so proud of him!!!!

    Your son will learn from his experience, and you just need to gently remind him that it is ok to say no, and that they will like and respect him more for him being strong.  Offer lots and lots of reassurance, and just catch him when he falls