Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi , I’m the mother of a recently diagnosed 21 year old son. He managed through school and college so I never picked up on anything, he has 6 siblings, all older so I put his awkwardness down to just being quieter etc. When covid hit and he was told to stay at home he coped well, it was only when life got to normal that we became aware of how isolated he is, he has no friends and tells me he doesn’t want any. He has just started claiming UC and he is going to need help to become employed. What I need help with mainly is how I treat him, myself and my partner work and so I expect him to help out around the house, washing up etc, I try not to put to much pressure on him but I think maybe I put too little? Do I need to push him? He will wash up but he will only dry up half of it, my partner thinks he’s just being lazy, and it’s causing friction. I just want my son to be happy, have friends, go out and enjoy himself …….. I’m at a loss at what to do for the best
I would let him know you'd love to arrange a time to sit down and discuss responsibilities around the house. Book a time as if he were a client. Maybe the following day or a few days. Give him time to have a think about this and perhaps ask him if he could think about how he'd like to contribute. When you sit down, have a list of items which need handling on a daily or weekly basis and allow him to choose tasks, this way he takes ownership.
For instance, around that age, my son started cooking with me and sometimes we'd split tasks - one would cook, the other clean. He's dyslexic, I'm autistic. But from everyone I know and stories I hear at this age, with household things, we're talking about youngish adult males. So, I still have to remind him, which I don't mind. But the important thing is rarely does anything need to happen immediately. Nor do things require interrupting something else. Further, with autistics, it's important to do a task one-at-a-time to completion before starting another. So if you ask him to do the dishes and while he's doing that interrupt his flow and ask him to do something else when he's done, he might not complete the task in the way you wish. Further, if you've never done a task with him, he may not do it the way you'd wish.
And if there's a thing you'd like done, be direct. Will you clean the dishes doesn't ask if you will also dry them and put them away, and doesn't state you'd like it done before 10pm. Will you take out the rubbish does not ask if you will also add a new bin liner. But I'm a fan of team-tasks and team-tasks usually make them more meaningful. So I will have my son take the rubbish out and will let him know that I will put a bin liner in.
Thank you so much for your reply, having only very recently had the diagnosis I’m at a bit of a loss on how to handle everything. I want him to help but am wary of causing him anymore stress. Though I do realise he’s going to have to do more eventually anyway. I’m just really cautious I guess.