Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, my nieces have been really vile to myself and my son. Calling him all the names. They don’t understand him, he’s not been diagnosed with asd as yet but does have a learning disability diagnosis as well as verbal dyspraxia. So last night, we had a family party, for which I was working behind the bar and didn’t know my nieces had arrived without their mum. my son and his friend were making some noise bouncing on a metal grate, my niece whose 19 and pregnant and had been in a car accident on Wednesday, (although my son didn’t know that as I didn’t want to scare him) asked them to stop which of course they didn’t. My niece then takes it upon herself to shove my son which results in him kicking her in the back. Josh is told to apologise, so he hugs her, she promptly says argh and pushes him away again. At this point it blows out of control. My three nieces start shouting at me whilst I’m working at the pub. I’m then told I need to learn to control my (edited by moderator) child and teach him from right and wrong, he can’t go around kicking people and hurting them; He’s a c*** and a ***. The messages I’ve had are awful! These are just a few snippets of what’s been sent. I call their mum, my sister, who says it’s my fault and their step dad will come to see what’s going on. They never showed up. My husband, was sorting this situation out but at no point did anyone tell Josh what had happened to my eldest niece. I stated god forbid her unborn child has any additional needs. She then told her mum I had said I hope her child has additional needs! Now I would never say that as you don’t need me to say how bloody hard it having a sen child. So my question is are there any resources to help my family understand josh’s needs better? It’s been a really crappy week, new school for Josh meaning he has to get a sen taxi, he hates it and had been crying every night and morning begging me not send him, he’s mentally like a 4 year old. Just feel like the worst mum in the world and just want the best for him! I work within the educational system and know their will be tons of resources on unspoken language or something like that, from neurotypical people to people with sen needs but I can’t find any relevant. Although, I don’t think it will help as they just don’t understand josh.
Forget that p*sh. I would just cut them loose who needs family like that in my opinion. I cut half my family loose. They were dragging me down and wasting my time. My own mother gave birth to me but I don’t feel grateful for her giving birth to me. My dad has been more of a mother than her. I’m happy to be alive but I don’t have any thanks for her. After all she did give me autism. Then she was jealous of me for getting things in life. Never forgive never forget. I don’t know why you put up with that garbage though. Yeh I would just cut them loose probably better for your son too.
I would just recommend writing your sister a message, telling her that your son has already apologized from the day since the incident started, but her daughters continue to retaliate against you and your son, and you don't think that's right, and you hope that your sister can tell her daughters to back down from messaging you like that. And on the day of the incident, that you thought that it would be okay for your son and his friend to play nearby, because he's still around trusted family members, but then things went bad that you weren't expecting, and that any attempts to make amends with her daughters have been shoved aside and ignored, so that they can continue to berate and cuss at the both of you, and you don't think that's very reasonable. That you don't know what more you can do about it, as you've got your hands full with trying to work and diagnose your son, and that you hope that your sister can have great family gatherings without you there.
And then just distance yourself from them for the time being, and if her daughters continue to send you bad messages, just screenshot them and send them directly back to your sister (their mother) to deal with, and ask that she tell her daughters to stop messaging you, and keep doing that until the messages stop. If your sister doesn't comply and also wants to fight and argue with you too, tell her that you don't want to fight with her or her daughters, that this isn't what family is about, and that you hope that she'll be reasonable and help to put an end to this.
I hope that your son receives the proper diagnosis for his conditions, and I hope things improve for you and your family.
I'm sorry to hear this. It might be time to take a break from your sister and her daughters. Meaning, you can still send a gift for the baby by post, but it might be time to learn about the differences between Boundaries and Abuse.
Families can get out of control and sometimes it's best to put a clear pause on relationships before there is more too much damage that might not be redeemable. I would personally craft a short email, making certain to not allow my intense need for justice to override my ability to stick to something dignified, polite, which promotes room for everyone to have their own self-care time. I might also put a specific time limit on it. "I need to pause this relationship as our dynamic is toxic. I'm not sure how to fix it, but perhaps we can arrange to speak in one year. For now, I don't have it in me to go back and forth on this any more but I feel the need to protect my family right now." If she instigates or insists on more discussion, I would simply say no. We can do that a year from now. Become a No Person :)
It's hard enough for Autistics to ever predict NT behaviour and words, let alone navigate moments where the NT is in "domination mode". Pregnancy has its own particular set of mental chaos, and without awareness, more damage can be done.
Hi and welcome to the community
I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. You might find the following NAS article helpful:
NAS - Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis
For example, it includes details of an NAS service that might also be of particular benefit to you:
"The Parent to Parent Emotional Support Service provides emotional support to parents and carers regarding their autistic children/grown-up children. The service is provided by trained volunteers with personal experience as the parent of an autistic child or adult. Our focus is on emotional support and understanding what it is like for you as a parent. We offer empathy, understanding, and a safe space to talk through your feelings and experiences."
NAS - Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline
Hello there, so sorry to hear you and your son are going through this experience with family who don’t understand what is happening and how to react. I thought the following link might be useful for them to get a base understanding of what ASD is, how its defined in a clinical sense, and the characteristics of autism: