Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I don't know if this is a question, sharing experience or howling into the void.
I have an 18 year old son who is diagnosed autistic. In general he has always been reasonably OK, going to standard schools and Colleges and holding down part-time jobs while a student - we've had issues with bullying but nothing particularly out of the ordinary.
Over the last couple of years he's fallen into a crowd around College and taken to drink and also drugs. He believes it's perfectly normal to go to Wetherspoons at 11.30 on a Tuesday morning, stay there until the evening and drinking 8 or 9 pints. On several occasions friends of his have called us and asked us to come and get him as he's pretty much unconscious. On occasion he has been abusive.
Latest episode was last night - went to a pub with a friend, friend had 1 pint, he had 6, came home and started cooking and vaping in the kitchen. We don't allow vaping in the house, I calmly told him he could cook, or could vape down the road but not both. He refused, became abusive, told us he could do what he wanted and say what he wanted. It got physical (just pushing and shoving) and ended with me chucking his dinner down the sink, and him going out and pulling a fence down on his way.
I've always said that I will never give up on him, that he makes stupid decisions because of his age and condition, but he's not a bad boy. But at some point there has to be a line; I don't have much leverage with him now, he has a job and doesn't need lifts to places etc. So I am wondering if we say now that there are rules of living in our house, I don't think they're particularly onerous but if you don't comply, you can't live here.
Any advice / sources of advice?
Autistics mature slower than our peers due to the communication difference. I think with matters like these, as a parent, I've always assumed the position of health and safety first. He's not ready to be an adult, but we live in a society which has magically given him certain rights due to a birthday.
He's at a really tough age. One where it may be important to make sure he's eating and maybe taking a multi vitamin. And then do whatever you can to keep communication open. Teach him how to make a Manhattan. Drink with him and show him how to have a glass of water in between. Sit outside with him while he vapes, if you feel inclined and socially smoked when young, show him how to roll his own. I'm personally not sold on the idea that vaping is any better.
He'll perceive his peers as being able to do as they like and possibly misinterpret that. And I agree with others here, there could be a few things happening and self medicating is a big one. Anxiety for autistics is 99% stress-induced and also biological, and from my understanding might be aided with nootropics. And in my own experience, taking a mushroom supplement with reishi and lion's mane has greatly reduced my over-excited brain which can become uncontrollable and lead to anxiety induced headaches. I'll have too many ideas I cannot organise and sort. Or I'll have a song looping in my head, one I like, but it's tormenting at 4am when I'd rather be sleeping. In my 20's and 30's unresolved matters which I didn't have the tools for or the psychology knowledge I have now would plague me. I didn't have the words to find the words to identify the exchange I'd had with another. It was maddening. That difficulty with access to vocabulary / language and difficulty communicating lead to intense frustration often misperceived as anger or even rage. And that intensity always dissipated once I could identify a thing.
The reality is, he needs a different type of safety than when he was 3. But he may increasingly struggle with feeling alone and according to Erich Fromm, this is the gateway to all addiction. As parents we are still a type of grounding for them and if we're lucky, they'll want to connect with us. They can take some time to respond, but sometimes rules can't come before relationships. Lead by example and teach them how you want to be treated by how you treat them. :)