Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I don't know if this is a question, sharing experience or howling into the void.
I have an 18 year old son who is diagnosed autistic. In general he has always been reasonably OK, going to standard schools and Colleges and holding down part-time jobs while a student - we've had issues with bullying but nothing particularly out of the ordinary.
Over the last couple of years he's fallen into a crowd around College and taken to drink and also drugs. He believes it's perfectly normal to go to Wetherspoons at 11.30 on a Tuesday morning, stay there until the evening and drinking 8 or 9 pints. On several occasions friends of his have called us and asked us to come and get him as he's pretty much unconscious. On occasion he has been abusive.
Latest episode was last night - went to a pub with a friend, friend had 1 pint, he had 6, came home and started cooking and vaping in the kitchen. We don't allow vaping in the house, I calmly told him he could cook, or could vape down the road but not both. He refused, became abusive, told us he could do what he wanted and say what he wanted. It got physical (just pushing and shoving) and ended with me chucking his dinner down the sink, and him going out and pulling a fence down on his way.
I've always said that I will never give up on him, that he makes stupid decisions because of his age and condition, but he's not a bad boy. But at some point there has to be a line; I don't have much leverage with him now, he has a job and doesn't need lifts to places etc. So I am wondering if we say now that there are rules of living in our house, I don't think they're particularly onerous but if you don't comply, you can't live here.
Any advice / sources of advice?
Sounds like an awful situation and distressing for you as a parent!
Alcohol can be a problem as it helps ease the pain of social anxiety and quiet the "autistic mind" , as a result it's very easy to become dependent and use it as a crutch. This added to a tendency to hyper focus and find obsessions which I think adds to the intensity.
Whatever you do you need to keep one eye on the fact that it's extremely difficult for him to see this as an issue and even more difficult to stop something that's probably making him feel better, even though we all know it's not healthy in the long term.
I found when I was drinking more frequently in the past, the days in between were worse. Anxiety was terrible, I was paranoid , far more defensive and a little irrational. Not making it easy for people to try and talk any sense into me!
Alcohol being so socially acceptable and in some cases still a right of passage into certain friendship groups, doesn't help.
Somehow the person has to see the problem they have before they'll accept it, I'm not sure exactly how you make someone aware of that!