Published on 12, July, 2020
I wondered if anyone has any recommendations on info resources (books, similar) about trying to understand and manage with my 14yo son who has (about 6 months ago) received an ASD diagnosis.
I have read lots of online info to try and educate myself regarding his ASD, and have found it all incredibly interesting. But I find so little of it really fits his own situation. EVERYONE IS REALLY DIFFERENT. Some of his struggles are minor compared to others on here but they are struggles. I'd guess he would have been an Aspergers diagnosis 10 years ago or 'high-functioning' but its a bit like eyesight - you may have a very minor prescription, compared to someone with terrible eyesight.... but you still cant read the text
Our lad seems to have a lot of contradictions.
The School do not understand his ASD diagnosis at all - they just don't see it (he is a A1 student - work, sport, and presence). Whereas sports clubs see him as incredibly hard work and trouble.
He is great at some sports but terrible at others, and clumsy
Very bright academically, but not in a genius/studious way
Can hold really fluid conversations with all sorts of adults, but struggles with his peers
Is clearly reasonably popular with peers but has no real top friends. Never gets contacted, invited to events etc (popular in small doses is my gut feel)
Doesn't like to really go places but really enjoys it if he does go out (have just managed to get him to go independently to gym - enjoys it and has bumped into some friends... but wont ask them what days they normally go etc etc)
Resents doing jobs e.g. homework, washing etc, helping out. Does them because he knows he has to but attitude is so draining.... but can be super great company
He wont really tell us what goes on in his brain. But why would he. To him its just normal how he spots every minor thing people do wrong; has a super-power for remembering minor stuff from years ago but not the three things you asked him to get from the kitchen; or has little awareness of time (getting ready, 5 minute jobs taking 30 mins etc)
Anyone in a similar bucket... or can recommend some targeted reading for me.
thanks in advance
Sounds perfectly normal! For autistics.
The key things to remember are social/communication differences and Monotropism.org, which seems to put a few theories of differences in to one.
Language: The way non-autistics learn to communicate is by symbolic representations through all kinds of language, especially non-verbal. It's a particular 'wiring' dominating the left brain (from my understanding) and pruned in utero to work the way it does. Whereas, autistics tend to have less biological "inhibitors" pruning the brain this way. But I love the way mine thinks.
So, Autistics tend to use words for their functional utility. However, music is a language everyone can learn. Art in all forms is a type of language. For instance, once we learn that how you present yourself is useful for first impressions: a buttoned up shirt vs messy, a particular style, for instance, this language of fashion can help one communicate in a particular way. There's an art to it, and rules which are proven tried and true. It can be learned. Social linguistics, however, has an organic fluidity and with each generation they change in slight ways. While linguistics may follow certain rules, it is communicated in a non-material transmission (Think Cartesian material vs immaterial). And here, it's like we're AM while Typical friends are on FM reception.
Typical children learn to communicate mostly through indirect, nonmaterial transmission from their parents and the social collective around. Psychology suggests most humans who operate with these social linguistics are taught all kinds of ways to subliminally operate so to move about a society fluidly. And this is key: society is constantly evaluating what is moral vs immoral.
If you're not picking up these social cues, you can still learn what's moral and also ethical (which may contradict what's currently moral) through direct instruction. Thus, in a social situation you can be respectful, patient, kind, affirming and likeable even if others cannot 'get a read' on you because you're just not quite speaking their 'language'. So. peer-to-peer: I won't be maturing at their rate, and they will specifically notice a difference. A younger crowd or a much older generation? Might think I'm a joy to be around (especially with patient and helpful parents!)
Same with sports: I won't catch cues, so I'd make a terrible team player. I might not have fun either and choose self-discipline arts: martial arts, skateboarding, swimming.
Hyper Focus and Task Switching: While we share certain qualities with our ADHD friends (hyper-sensory, inertia/hyper-focus, monotropism), they're the multi-taskers and we thrive with One-Thing-at-a-Time (to completeion). Task switching is incredibly difficult and this can also play a role in Team Sports if I'm working too hard to try and understand others around me. If you're familiar with Fast thinking vs Slow thinking, it's like Slow thinking for everything. Further, interruptions are like waking a sleep walker and this doesn't ever change. In fact, I will fail at everything and fall down the stairs if I'm never allowed to finish one task, as it will be on loop in my head until it's done. Chances are, if doing chores happens at an interrupting interval, it's like opening too many programmes on a computer - everything lags. This issue might be solved by creating a better schedule for him to handle his tasks.
Infinity: Last, we can be forever in the moment, which, according to the hemispheres theory by Iain McGilchrist, the Right brain is tapped into an 'eternal/momentary' time stream, while the Left hemisphere is tapped into the chronological time stream. The left is also where those heavy social linguistics are housed. So bumping into friends unexpectedly won't prompt us to ask about the future, but we might remember to ask how they are today. This is part of why we can be great at intensive focus, have difficulty knowing what's coming next, need help with planning/organisation/prioritisation and remembering what day it is.
Hope this eases the contradictions!
this is great. thanks