Published on 12, July, 2020
My 5 year old son has suspected Autism but won't start the assessment process until the Autumn. We've been doing as much research as we can and are trying our efforts to prevent/respond better to meltdowns. Now on week 2 of the school, we are on daily meltdowns.
He gets aggressive and really angry during meltdowns and we have tried following the advice of letting him have space for his meltdown and leaving him until he has calmed down or advising him to go to his quiet tent or giving him a squishy toy to play with. But what do you do when you try to leave the room and he runs after you trying to hit you if you are within reach? If one parent say goes upstairs if he has been hitting then, he will then go and find the other parent and start hitting them instead?
We try to hold his hands and explain calmly that we need kind hands or simply "you do not hit" and move away from him. But short of locking ourselves in the bathroom while he tries to break down the door to get at us, I don't know how you are meant to calm down a child who is so determined to hurt you, while keeping him and you safe?
We luckily don't have any other children and he is only 5 but the older he gets, the more he can hurt us and we worry about him being aggressive to other children if he was to have an aggressive meltdowns at school (he usually masks at school so they rarely see this side of him) or if he tries to hurt his Grandparent's who look after him during the holidays.
The rest of the time he is the most loving and affectionate child but we are really struggling with his aggressive meltdowns.
Thanks if anyone can give me any tips!
What happens prior? Do you have some examples?
It sounds to me like when he's melting down he desperately needs you to stay with him through the process. He needs connexion to get to the other side and your leaving, turning your back, walking away - is a type of rejection which only compounds the problem.
Kids need help learning how to properly expend that energy, which will have built up from something. If he's active, grab a pillow and provide something safe for him to throw a punch at. Get him to shake it out - run outside, depending on how he handles whatever is pushing him over the limit. Or perhaps he needs to expend it after school at a playground or with a ball, a walk, etc - so he doesn't melt down.
My grandmother taught me to stop everything if my son had a meltdown, started crying for whatever reason - and just attend to his needs. Everything else can wait, but get this right - be absolutely available to them especially at their worse, and it's a complete game changer. The second rule she taught me was to never get offended, as I'm not their equal nor in a competition with them. My role and responsibility is to support.
If he's not doing this at school, then he probably believes you're safe to decompress and be vulnerable around, I wouldn't sever that trust. However, something is still pushing him to tipping point -he's too young to communicate if it's chemical, sound or the general psychological differences which impact his ability to relate with others and therefore understand himself. Or everything. Schools can be sensory nightmares - assaulting the eyes and ears with cheap acoustics and painful artificial lighting these days. I wouldn't want to be a kid today. And Autistics don't desensitise like our peers, we can end up traumatised and damaged. So you may want to ask if you can observe at the school (out of sight) and just watch, look and listen.
I just read this more clearly.
NAS95194 said:Now on week 2 of the school, we are on daily meltdowns.
I might take him out of that school.
agree. cause and effect!