Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone, I am looking for advice.
My partner and I have different communication styles, one of the things we are working on in couples therapy but I still get nervous going in because they are avoidant and perceive issues as a "fault" of theirs if I bring up a "touchy" subject.
The current example:
I am overwhelmed always correcting unwanted aggressive language from our 8 year old. He is pushing boundaries; I tend to hold the line while I am noticing my partner doesn't or she will laugh when he uses the implication of the cuss words in his comics (ex: h*** or sh**). He will repeat her, she will say loudly "EFF that". So he is getting mixed messages as to what is acceptable and appropriate. It happens mostly when she is around. I heard him yesterday say "EFF that" twice in her presence and she didn't address it. She will sometimes, but it is inconsistent.
When he uses this language, it escalates into saying mean aggressive things towards the cat or towards her, and then that escalates into him being rough with the cat. So then we are having to stop that behavior. Then it spirals further, he internalizes mistakes as a character flaw and tells us to punish him (we do not "discipline" or exclude/take away) and he thinks is a bad kid. This dysregulation goes on until an extinction burst and then we repair. It's exhausting.
I've brought up similar things to my partner but got pushback because they felt "attacked". How can I discuss this, my bluntness and straightforwardness isn't well received. I want to get better at being on the same page without hard feelings.
Thanks for reading and offering any advice.
Captain Morti said:I've brought up similar things to my partner but got pushback because they felt "attacked".
My advice - get some couples counselling with the focus on agreeing your parenting approach and addressing the disrespect from your partner.
It is clearly an issue for you and your partner needs to understand it, accept it and agree a way to reasonable act on it.
If you can sell the idea based on it meaning a lot to you, get a counsellor who is experienced in autism and couples therapy and work through the issue with both of you then you should be able to agree the ground rules on what to do.
Having monthly catch up meetings (later maybe less often) is a way to keep your partner on course as they know they will be called out for breaking the agreement later.
This disrespect from your partner is bordering on contempt and is the number 1 cause of relationship breakdowns. It can be addressed if both parties agree it is worth it though so it isn't doom and gloom time.
For me this would be how I would:
1 - stop the dosrespect from spiralling
2 - get a common agreement for the boundaries of child raising.
3 - start to repair the damage this has been doing to your relationship.
Good luck