Published on 12, July, 2020
Everything has been going really well but unfortunately my nearly 18 y.o daughter, Chloe has been aggressive over the past few days.
To start off with, she took her siblings, 10 & 16, to the shop in her car so they could get a treat and snacks for a film night. By the time they got home, my 16 y.o got dropped off at her friends house (scared and in tears) and my 10 y.o had bottled in his feelings until alone with me and broke down in tears, scared. She apparently made threats to crash the car and said some other distressing things. She carried on being really angry and cut her arms. Her and her sister were messaging eachother arguing and saying upsetting things.
The day after, she was still really angry, and tried leaving the house (whilst I was on the phone to her father) and after upsetting her sister again. I stopped her and her dad calmed her down on the phone whilst I made sure my other daughter was ok.
Today, they aren't upsetting eachother but there is still something in the air. They aren't talking but are calm.
I have a few reasons why she could be so angry: it's her last term at school and she wanted to go to college but the 2 closest to us have turned her down because they can't meet her needs therefore doesn't know what to do. She is turning 18 in a few weeks and that's a big change, she will be an adult and whatnot. She has an exam tomorrow which has changed her routine. Obviously can't forget about the hormones. Also forgot to mention that her sister has been away on holiday with her friend's family for the past week and this happened the day she came home.
We, as a family, can't go on with her aggression. She will attack her siblings, say distressing things to us, hurt herself and put herself in dangerous positions. She has said she doesn't like being angry and hurting us but she can't help it sometimes no matter how hard she tries. She keeps asking me to put her on medication and everytime we seek help, all professional services turn us down. If anyone knows what could help, I will be so grateful. This is more of a debrief and rant more than anything but advice is welcome and appreciated. Sorry for making it so long.
Many thanks,
Lucy
Dear ParentingAutism,
We are sorry that you and your family going through such a tough time at the moment.
You may want to visit our webpages on behaviour, knowing what causes distressed behaviour can help you to develop ways of dealing with it. You’ll find practical information and tips in this section: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour
In addition, you may find it helpful to have a look at the mental health section of our website which has useful links to information and advice about a range of mental health issues: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health
The information on our self harm page may be of particular interest: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/self-harm
You may want to share our resources for autistic teenagers with your daughter. The Know Yourself series offers free resources (videos, PDFs, worksheets) to support autistic teenagers in understanding what being autistic means to them: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/resources-for-autistic-teenagers
If you feel you need more urgent help, our website lists some options you could consider https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help
If you or your family are hurt - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.
Kind Regards,
Rosie Mod
Does she have any older confidant who she can talk about all these life changing issues with?
A cool aunt, older friend, wise grandparent etc?
I suspect she need to work through the issues with someone who can guide her a bit to reaching her own conclusions.
If she hasn't got one, a therapist, experienced in autism who is not a lot older than her could be the best bet to build a rappor she will connect with.
I would suggest calling your doctors surgery and saying that your daughter desperately needs help and that you are concerned for her safety. If that doesn't result in an urgent appointment with the GP, go to the surgery and insist she is given an emergency appointment to discuss medication. Attend the appointment with her for support, or if it's a phone appointment have it on speaker phone, so you can help if she has difficulty explaining things, but let her know that she can also speak to the doctor privately should she wish to.
I understand how difficult it is supporting a family member with mental health issues. I wish you well.