Help - Newbie

Anonymous said:

My son is 25. He demands a lot of me and shouts abuse at me if I don't comply with his demands. This usually leads to me crying and then he tells me off for that. Everything's my fault and he expects me to sort thing out to suit him which is impossible. His demands for money are breaking me and his powers of pestering till he gets what he wants are phenomena. I know I should stand up for myself and grow a thicker skin but I don't seem able to do this. Please excuse my rant but life is really difficult at the moment.

does he not recieve the benefits he is entitled to?

Hi Mum in Distress,

Welcome to the forum.

It sounds as though you have reached a crisis point where you need help from outside. Have you discussed this problem with your GP? Do you have anyone to call on from mental health or social services? We can give some suggestions on the forum but it is likely to need more concrete assistance from some of the agencies that can help you locally.

I'm an aspie parent of non aspie children and my eldest left home when we nearly came to blows after yet another instance of 'non-grown-up' belligerence from him. This isn't necessarily all to do with autism, parents often need to throw the child out so that it can experience the world for itself without having the bank of mum/dad to fall back on. He has now grown up enormously and become the most appreciative, considerate son that we could wish for. He learnt a lot by having to pay his own bills and find his own accommodation.

In your son's case there may be very good reasons for not being able to just throw him out but is there some way that he can leave temporarily so that you can get some respite? He needs to learn some independence and appreciation of what you are giving him. Perhaps some form of adult accommodation for autistic people might be suitable - have you looked into this possibility? It's hard to give much more specific advice as you haven't told us much about him yet.

You may also need some help in learning how to be consistent and firm in dealing with him. Have you sought assistance in parenting/management skills - please don't think I am saying there is anything wrong with your parenting but everyone can learn more than we already know - I wish I could go back and do my parenting again as I have learnt some more stuff that I could have used when hey were younger.

(P.S. it might be better to start your own thread for this discussion - do you know how to do that?)

My son is 25. He demands a lot of me and shouts abuse at me if I don't comply with his demands. This usually leads to me crying and then he tells me off for that. Everything's my fault and he expects me to sort thing out to suit him which is impossible. His demands for money are breaking me and his powers of pestering till he gets what he wants are phenomena. I know I should stand up for myself and grow a thicker skin but I don't seem able to do this. Please excuse my rant but life is really difficult at the moment.

Thank-you both for your insights. I see what your saying and yes on reflection feel the technology is probably like a sanctuary for him. I guess what I'm trying to achieve is two things. He's become very obsessed with violence which concerns me - I've always restricted what he plays but when he does play only ever wants to play violent games. I also very much want to encourage to do more activities outside of the xbox to build his social skills. I love my son so much and so want to do right by him. He was diagnosed last week which I felt was positive as I had more insight into my little man. I feel I've entered into a whole new world and so confused mixed with the greatest desire to do right. I guess I'm asking help and information to do the very best for my son. I am so grateful for a site like this that I can talk to those who have experience with the possible obstacles our gorgeous children face.

Thank you for reading.

His beloved technology, as you call it, may be his sanctuary - something where he is focussed and relaxed and can unwind. Taking it off him as a punishment has predictable outcomes, if there is no other means of unwinding. "A self fulfilling prophecy".

Meltdowns that include swearing, mean comments and hitting out are explosive responses to levels of stress you cannot possibly imagine. They aren't likely to be intentional, and it is likely he regrets them. You need to get a better grasp of why this happens.

However I could ask you to imagine you are having a really bad day, everything is going wrong, and you feel there's nowhere to turn to, and eventually you explode - whether that's anger, tears, shouting....... What causes you to explode may be something quite minor, or something worrying you for days that's built up inside you and picked this moment to manifest itself.

Your son is at this juncture every day. The causes aren't well understood. Anxiety spirals generally vastly over-inflate anxieties that wouldn't be such a problem for someone without autism (an NT for short, no disrespect intended in using this term). Some analogies have been made to bandwidth - that people on the spectrum cannot process as much at any one point in time. Or just high sensitivity, too much at once.

crystal12 is right. You need to look to see what is causing this pressure build up, and school is a very likely factor. Trying to fit in with odd behaviours and communication difficulties is exceptionally hard, and it is very common for kids with autism to get bullied on that account.

Hi - do you know what causes his meltdowns + whether there are ways of heading them off?  There's such a lot to learn about how autism affects your child as an individual + it takes time.  My son's an adult + I'm still learning as he develops over the years.  How's he doing at school?  It can be a v stressful place for those with autism. Also, if his tech is confiscated I think that wd upset him even more.  My son would be really upset if his laptop was confiscated + view it as those closest being horrible to him.  Others may have a different opinion on that.