Published on 12, July, 2020
Some quite personal reflections including thoughts around autism and trauma. This is a positive post in many respects but please don’t read if you think you may find it difficult.
I am 43 years old. Today I took a free online autism test that concluded there is a ‘strong probability’ that I am autistic.
Not every question fit exactly, I believe because it wasn’t written with adverse childhood experience in mind and I answered as accurately as I could throughout.
I’m aware that the company who created the test make money from diagnosis and so have an interest in a positive result.
But some things seem to ring true if I understand them correctly:
Wearing a ‘mask’ at times, of how I think my personality should be presented to fit in with others which can be mentally very tiring. Being very hard on myself sometimes when inevitably, I don’t always perceive that I’ve pulled it off.
Having an inquisitive, busy brain full of ideas and creativity as I notice so much around me, then suddenly at certain times having no thoughts at all when Ive failed to manage an internal pressure to ‘act normal’ in front of others.
Finding ordinary, ambient background sound in some social situations overtly disorienting.
At times, struggling a great deal to understand how others perceive me.
A tendency to get a little lost in my own world which I actively manage now.
The thing that always threw me was my awareness of the different forms of intelligence. I see myself as someone with a high degree of emotional intellect, and perhaps in ignorance, have believed this would be a signifier against autism which I believed sat in line with other forms of intelligence.
I have come to believe my capacity for empathy stems mostly from surviving some acutely traumatic experiences in my early development. Years spent regularly feeling unsafe, always looking for the person who might be dangerous in any room.
When the causes of hyper vigilance are largely hidden or had been ignored, i feel there can be a kind of nervous attachment that comes from a need to be seen fully by those close who you want to trust.. Because in hyper vigilance, pain that others don’t see is very present and very real for the hyper vigilant.
I find it hard to describe this mix of different things going on, but am much better at managing it than I ever was. The distance I’ve travelled from a person in their very early twenties, largely incapable of making eye contact with anyone around them, through a lot of creative incarnation to who I am today is genuinely vast.
I am proud and what I’m achieving right now is really rewarding. and I definitely don’t want to attract pity. I’ve loads to be grateful for including a wonderful partner I can talk anything through with.
Obviously this is very personal stuff but I wanted to take a little space to explore thoughts here.. I do notice some things I experience around other people have gotten harder as I’ve aged and I can’t help but wonder..
Do some adults with autism have similar feelings and intersections of experiences they feel comfortable talking about?
- Not tremendously educated on autism and contemplating diagnosis in the North.
I'm an only child, the daughter of an only child and I only ever played with one other child before I went to school, I can't work out if some of my autistic traits are what I was born with or if any are because of social isolation at such a young age. I never really learned how to play with others, or how to share, it wasn't because I was selfish, I just didn't know how.
Do I have PTSD because of my abusive childhood, or do I have it because although my childhood was abusive, I have ASD and am more sensitive?
Does it matter? The results are the same, the feelings are the same, the ways of dealing with it are the same. I think people and therapists in particular get to hung up on definitions and diagnostic criteria that let to many people fall between diagnostic gaps. We need a more holistic approach to everyones health needs.
Yes, I totally agree with your sentiment on a holistic approach and I believe we are complex in our interactions of experiences as well as any inherent nature we may have.
Thank you for sharing as I understand the personal aspect of disclosing lived trauma. It’s also reassuring in some ways that I could be experiencing aspects of both these factors.
I also understand your sentiment of ‘does it matter’.
I suppose it matters to me in respect that having previously decided to undergo intensive trauma therapy for the abuse I experienced in younger life, I still have difficulty in social situations often enough that it causes anxiety and depression which I have to really push through to manage.
while I am not necessarily interested in diagnosis as a way of seeing myself in a neat pathology, I’d like my life to be easier and happier in ways I currently struggle to manage or fully understand.
i score high on the AQ test in this forum suggesting a high degree of autism. But then also score high on the EQ test suggesting autism is unlikely.
In trying to work out what this means I suppose I’m exploring whether focusing on the possibility of autism may help me overcome some of the difficulties I have.
I’m seeking to understand myself better and relate better to others. I’m very grateful for anyone who offers their thoughts and experience such as you have
TheCatWoman said:Does it matter? The results are the same, the feelings are the same, the ways of dealing with it are the same. I think people and therapists in particular get to hung up on definitions and diagnostic criteria that let to many people fall between diagnostic gaps. We need a more holistic approach to everyones health
I have problems with social situations too, I've also had years of therapy to help me overcome the worst effects of childhood trauma. I don't see that having an ASD diagnosis effects your previous theraputic journey or rather vice versa. I think we never stop growing as people, ASD is just another branch of the tree of life.
I think all this stuff about ASD people being unemotional or emotionally illiterate in some way is rubbish, some people don't know how to express their feelings, others do and I think this is so in the NT world as much as the ASD one. I'm uncertain about some of the research around ASD, it seems very restrictive and the research standards poor. Try reading Gina Rippon, The Gendered Brain, for more insight into this and then see where you think you are with it all.