Experience of autism in adults with adverse childhood experiences

Some quite personal reflections including thoughts around autism and trauma. This is a positive post in many respects but please don’t read if you think you may find it difficult.

I am 43 years old. Today I took a free online autism test that concluded there is a ‘strong probability’ that I am autistic.

Not every question fit exactly, I believe because it wasn’t written with adverse childhood experience in mind and I answered as accurately as I could throughout.

I’m aware that the company who created the test make money from diagnosis and so have an interest in a positive result.

But some things seem to ring true if I understand them correctly:

Wearing a ‘mask’ at times, of how I think my personality should be presented to fit in with others which can be mentally very tiring. Being very hard on myself sometimes when inevitably, I don’t always perceive that I’ve pulled it off.

Having an inquisitive, busy brain full of ideas and creativity as I notice so much around me, then suddenly at certain times having no thoughts at all when Ive failed to manage an internal pressure to ‘act normal’ in front of others.

Finding ordinary, ambient background sound in some social situations overtly disorienting.

At times, struggling a great deal to understand how others perceive me.

A tendency to get a little lost in my own world which I actively manage now.

The thing that always threw me was my awareness of the different forms of intelligence. I see myself as someone with a high degree of emotional intellect, and perhaps in ignorance, have believed this would be a signifier against autism which I believed sat in line with other forms of intelligence.

I have come to believe my capacity for empathy stems mostly from surviving some acutely traumatic experiences in my early development. Years spent regularly feeling unsafe, always looking for the person who might be dangerous in any room.

When the causes of hyper vigilance are largely hidden or had been ignored, i feel there can be a kind of nervous attachment that comes from a need to be seen fully by those close who you want to trust.. Because in hyper vigilance, pain that others don’t see is very present and very real for the hyper vigilant.

I find it hard to describe this mix of different things going on, but am much better at managing it than I ever was. The distance I’ve travelled from a person in their very early twenties, largely incapable of making eye contact with anyone around them, through a lot of creative incarnation to who I am today is genuinely vast.

I am proud and what I’m achieving right now is really rewarding. and I definitely don’t want to attract pity. I’ve loads to be grateful for including a wonderful partner I can talk anything through with.

Obviously this is very personal stuff but I wanted to take a little space to explore thoughts here.. I do notice some things I experience around other people have gotten harder as I’ve aged and I can’t help but wonder..

Do some adults with autism have similar feelings and intersections of experiences they feel comfortable talking about?

- Not tremendously educated on autism and contemplating diagnosis in the North.