How to cope with meltdowns as parent? (longterm)

Without really understanding in detail cause and effect or what happening, I'm not sure I can help, but I'll try. 

We all need to learn at some point how to exit a situation that's overwhelming and intensely impacting us so we don't harm others. Learn boundaries: where do our limits lie? What pushes us over them. I didn't begin learning this existed until I was in my 30's. I still have difficulty with introspection and noticing when I'm well beyond a limit, but I think I have a decent set of ethics at this point. It's important to teach him this. But he needs help learning to channel his frustration to a punching bag or just take him out of the house immediately and go for a run. On a more rare occasion, you need to just exit, showing him how it's done. 

The agency to leave, or Freedom From, is by far one of the most suitable, one which should become habit and instilled, so when older we don't end up in jail. Everyone should have this, it's the elite that tend to have "Freedom To", when thinking about what a free and just political society means. A little philosophy can never hurt!

I'm curious how you've been helped to recognise what is Autism and what is just Human and then what needs accountability, detailed ethics and growth. There is how I'm impacted and how I respond. And it sounds as though he's responding like any wee human in survival mode as if he's being assaulted, and my guess is you're doing everything you can to do the opposite So, the question is, what is causing this. 

Some of the basic differences with autism involve:

1. Much greater and well-prepared transitions (planning, thinking ahead, setting timers, using analogue clocks, helping children to envision details for the next day and so on). Interruptions - from dropping thing to a link not working to an unexpected phone call, to someone wanting to converse while I'm focused are intense. I often say, it's like waking a sleepwalker. I did a lot of damage in my 20s from just being interrupted. The impact never stops, we just have to learn to mind our response.

2. A list of sensory assaulting factors that aren't obvious, things like - VOCs an air filter might pick up & chemically made scents in air freshens and cleaning products, artificial light (without any natural lights to balance it, so an LED + one halogen), painful frequencies only the dog, a decidable reader or your autistic ADHD kid/friend can hear, irritating fabric made of tiny plastic fibres the skin cannot breath in (polyesters/nylons - petroleum based), and so on.

4. Words: the inability to communicate, access vocabulary, articulate a thing, identify a thing, just compounds frustration. Same when we're misrepresented, misunderstood, it feels unjust and cruel and isolating. 

3. Children need reliability, grounding and to feel protected - sometimes this can be as simple as Never saying yes or no if you don't mean it, and always following through on your word unless you're literally in the hospital. Being too passive can actually make children feel unhinged.

I will say, if he's been in a school environment since 3, this may be creating such severe anxiety that he needs a Rage Room by the time he gets home. 

Thank you very much for your response! Those are very valuable hints how to handle his outbursts and provided very interesting insights. As you guessed correctly, we are doing everything possible to provide him an environment which helps him avoiding meltdowns. From my perspective, it's pretty obvious that his behaviour is clearly meltdown related, since most of the time, he is really a sweet and smart boy and aware that he is not allowed to hit anyone and that cursing is bad, at least in a range that is normal for his age. But as soon as he has a meltdown, all hell breaks loose. The school environment that you mentioned is a big factor for sure, he is clearly unable to cope with the size of his class, the noise, all the impressions, which is why we're now searching for a better school environment. So there is a lot of effort on our side to reduce what causes his meltdowns.

So, my question was more directed in the sense of how I as a parent can cope with meltdowns and all the other related issues, not in the sense of what to do in the immediate situation, but considering my personal, long-term mental health.

To describe my situation more precisely, I feel the longer the more that I can't handle it anymore to be his target of aggression, or seeing him showing this kind of behaviour towards other people. It sometimes feels like desperation, or the urge to give up on everything. Not only because it's hurtful and often embarrassing when happening in public (the looks from other parents on the playground i.e.), but also because we don't want that constant negative mood in our family anymore. Me and my wife are trying to be very positive and accept the challenges that come with having a child which has ASD, but I feel like I'm really struggling to stay positive. In fact I feel deeply frustrated and unhappy with my current life, the daily struggles we are living though. The meltdowns are just the biggest issue, it's a whole complex of issues we are facing. And I'm really afraid that I will eventually reach the point that I can't handle it anymore, mentally as well as physically. The whole situation feels very unhealthy and exhausting.

I can't back down, I have to be there for my kid, but how can I get through all this without getting torn apart? What gave other parents the strength to endure this? What strategies do you have to not let meltdowns affect your whole familiar situation and health?

I hope I could describe my situation and issues more clearly, honestly it's not easy to describe my feelings in a structured manner (also because I'm not a native speaker, but this community seems to be quite active compared to other platforms in my native tongue).

Thank you very much for your response! Those are very valuable hints how to handle his outbursts and provided very interesting insights. As you guessed correctly, we are doing everything possible to provide him an environment which helps him avoiding meltdowns. From my perspective, it's pretty obvious that his behaviour is clearly meltdown related, since most of the time, he is really a sweet and smart boy and aware that he is not allowed to hit anyone and that cursing is bad, at least in a range that is normal for his age. But as soon as he has a meltdown, all hell breaks loose. The school environment that you mentioned is a big factor for sure, he is clearly unable to cope with the size of his class, the noise, all the impressions, which is why we're now searching for a better school environment. So there is a lot of effort on our side to reduce what causes his meltdowns.

So, my question was more directed in the sense of how I as a parent can cope with meltdowns and all the other related issues, not in the sense of what to do in the immediate situation, but considering my personal, long-term mental health.

To describe my situation more precisely, I feel the longer the more that I can't handle it anymore to be his target of aggression, or seeing him showing this kind of behaviour towards other people. It sometimes feels like desperation, or the urge to give up on everything. Not only because it's hurtful and often embarrassing when happening in public (the looks from other parents on the playground i.e.), but also because we don't want that constant negative mood in our family anymore. Me and my wife are trying to be very positive and accept the challenges that come with having a child which has ASD, but I feel like I'm really struggling to stay positive. In fact I feel deeply frustrated and unhappy with my current life, the daily struggles we are living though. The meltdowns are just the biggest issue, it's a whole complex of issues we are facing. And I'm really afraid that I will eventually reach the point that I can't handle it anymore, mentally as well as physically. The whole situation feels very unhealthy and exhausting.

I can't back down, I have to be there for my kid, but how can I get through all this without getting torn apart? What gave other parents the strength to endure this? What strategies do you have to not let meltdowns affect your whole familiar situation and health?

I hope I could describe my situation and issues more clearly, honestly it's not easy to describe my feelings in a structured manner (also because I'm not a native speaker, but this community seems to be quite active compared to other platforms in my native tongue).

There's a possibility we have a translation issue, so please bear with me.

But... Autistic sensibilities tend to operate at this depth of being. Such as the Nietzsche-ian "Staring into the abyss and allowing it to stare back". I'm not sure if this is due to sense-perceiving life with less filtering than our non-autistic peers (thus the 'hyper' sensory capacity), but quite literally everything is intense. And without understanding the physics of things, how biology works, the PhD to navigate a social-political landscape, we find too many things in this life either absurd or out-of-order.  This can also mean we don't feel a sense of positive/negative from life's darkest abyss, but we can find much of Neurotypical life too shallow and meaningless, and quite literally incredibly tiresome. So, my question for you might be, have you read up on Toxic Positivity? Or Toxic Happiness? 

I do feel-with you on the difficulty of the silent unknown judgement of others. We need community and friendships and a child who struggles with emotional regulation can be overwhelming for a parent who's not experienced the same. Is there a family member who might be undiagnosed Autistic or ADHD on either side? 

What I would recommend is either finding a spiritual ground or a good therapist or both. Book a rage room! Start running or rock climbing... 

NAS92314 said:

I feel deeply frustrated and unhappy with my current life,

I'm sorry to heart his. As parents we need to seek community, to be able to share the things within us and to be able to helped to find ways to continue our own self-growth. And we also need time alone. If there are 2 parents, I'd suggest taking turns having a day off to do something of personal pursuit. Join a gym or a book club. We all need reinforced alone-time to regroup and recover if not once a week, a few times per month. 

Unfortunately, the only way to fix meltdowns is preemptive: to navigate life with a bit of preparedness. Ear defenders, sunglasses, 100% natural fibre clothing, and minding what we eat isn't causing potential pain/allergen reactions.