Advice needed! My son is struggling with university life

It might be unfair, but reality is reality.  Like any business, Universities will only put up with certain situations for a limited amount of time.  Eventually they will suspend or terminate the contract and cite breach of terms, whether that is because a person is not turning up for lectures, not handing in coursework or some other reason.  When you go to University you sign on a dotted line and that document is a legal document, even though many people don't bother to read it.  If they have provided support via student services (all the Universities I know do), provided medical access (some universities have on site medical surgeries and some have off site facilities) and done everything to meet requirements, then the onus is on the student.  If the student refuses to engage for whatever reason and all attempts to deal with the problem have failed, then they will suspend that student.

If the son refuses help in every way from the University and his parents, then I only see this ending one way or maybe two if you count the possibility of some sort of mental breakdown.

As the old adage states, "you can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".

I think this is quite an unfair assessment- It can be very hard to engage with anyone and to solve problems when in a state of severe overwhelm and burnout. And one's abilities whilst in that state do not reflect what we are capable of in life. It sounds to me like there need to be changes put into place so that your son has a chance to thrive at uni. 

Have you considered the option of him intermitting for a while? Most universities allow students to take a pause from their studies for medical reasons. It might not be the right thing for your son as his degree might be the constant thing in his life, but he might also think it's a good idea. Also rather than withdrawing, it is much better to intermit and take some time to recover with the option of then resuming the degree WITH adjustments in place upon his return to avoid the same thing happening again. There is no shame at all in needing a break. 

I just wanted to add that if you feel there is any risk that your son may harm himself in any way then try to talk to him about that as openly as you can. Ultimately his safety is the top priority in this and it sounds like he’s under a huge amount of pressure at the moment. Often when people are struggling at uni it can be totally overwhelming as they feel their whole future is at stake. But nothing is more important than their health and happiness at the end of the day. 

I’m really sorry to hear that your son is struggling at uni. My eldest son struggled too - and I know how upsetting it is as a parent to not be able to help as much as you want to. From what you write the university is not giving your son the support he needs. University can be an extremely lonely place when you’re struggling - I remember sometimes feeling this way myself too when I was a student. 
Does your son feel able to open up to you about how he feels about the situation? Does he have a sense of what would help him at this point? 
Universities can sometimes be very unsympathetic - I remember a girl in my son’s year had mental health problems and she got the feeling the college basically wanted to get her to leave more than they wanted to help her to stay. 
My son felt very lonely at times - but gradually he made a few (neurodivergent) friends at a college society and that’s when things turned round for him - although it was always quite a challenge even then. 
I think the main thing is to keep the lines of communication as open as you can with your son, and be led by him as to how he wants to deal with this. Ultimately his safety and well being is the top priority- and if he wants to not continue at uni then that might be the best option. However if he wants to continue hopefully you can sit together and work out what he needs to help him achieve that. If it’s any comfort I think an awful lot of people find uni extremely challenging at times - he’s certainly not alone in that. At times I think my son was made physically ill by the stress of adapting to being at uni. But he got through it - and is glad that he did, and hopefully the same will happen for your son too. I wish you both luck x 

Thank you so so much for your insightful advice and comments. 

Everything you said made sense to me. I now understand why his academic staff treats my son the way they do; I didn't consider "confidentiality issues" - not all academic staff are informed that their student has autism - I assume they are unaware of my son's disability, as he is very reluctant to discuss his autism and mental health.  I couldn't agree more that my son needs to be able to self-advocate and he should receive assistance for it. I hope he would gradually learn it while attending university.

His psychologist has advised him to re-evaluate and update his needs, as his mental health has deteriorated. It is likely that it will result in a formal meeting with relevant staff, such as the disability team, personal tutor, and course leader, and that he will have an opportunity to discuss key points he wishes to address, questions he wants to ask, and the outcomes he's seeking.

My son would like an idea of "automatic extension" - it will really reduce time pressure on him (which has been creating a very high level of stress for him, to the extent that it has started to impact on his mental health). This is something that he should request as a reasonable adjustment.

As a parent of an autistic adult, I've seen autistic individuals becoming increasingly empowered - they used to suffer quietly, but now, as you mentioned, they're more proactive and have begun teaching NTs. How encouraging!! Your students are very lucky to have you as their mentor.

It was Manchester Metropolitan University; she was originally at Sheffield University for her first year and had similar levels of support there. With the Covid lockdowns she wanted to move closer to home, so transferred.

Does your son qualify for / has he applied for Disabled Students Allowance? DSA will fund a qualified mentor who can support your son. Most universities have a policy where a student can consent to a named person being contacted if there are welfare concerns - usually mental health etc.- which applies to all students. The Students Union will usually have an advisor who will advise students with a disability, and you have already mentioned the disability team. Confidentiality rules mean that course tutors and lecturers are not automatically informed if a student has a disability - some autistic students prefer it that way. If a student approaches a lecturer or tutor and says " I am autistic, I need ...{insert reasonable accommodation} " the staff member has a professional and legal responsibility to respond appropriately. Many universities have policies where neurodivergent students get more or less automatic extensions on submission dates etc., and a student may be "tagged" for late submissions without the lecturer knowing all the details about other support needs. Students need to be able to ask for support. I am currently mentoring an autistic student. I have advised him to tell his lecturer about the difficulty he is having with a groupwork task. He understands the theory behind the task, but he can't deal with the social complexity of being part of a project team and the "give and take" involved in sharing ideas, agreeing on a plan, doing a group presentation, etc.. I can understand that not all lecturers will be autism aware, and may see designing a [whatever] as a technical task and not appreciate how autism can affect the teamwork which NTs often take for granted. Unless the student tells the lecturer, the lecturer just sees a student who is "not a team player" and "not pulling his weight" in the team. Similarly, if the other students are not aware, they may feel the same.

One of the roles of the university is to equip students to work as a professionals in their chosen area. More emphasis is put on "soft skills" such as collaboration and communication, rather than just writing essays. The reality is that we need to meet the neurotypicals half-way. Yes, we are entitled to reasonable adjustments, but we also need to be able to self-advocate. NTs no more know what is like to be autistic than we truly know what it is like not to be, if that makes sense.

As an example, I was doing an autism awareness session for business leaders, and I got them to be quiet for ten seconds then say what they heard. People in the corridor. The coffee machine glugging. The sound from the next meeting room. The hum of the projector ...  Then an autistic delegate explained that she could not "tune out" these noises, they were a constant distraction. Then we spoke about being autistic and "hot desking" with twenty other people in an open-plan office ... The point is, they were just not aware!

It sounds like some of your son's tutors need to be more autism aware. I suggest he talks to the disability advisor about mentoring, someone who will help him to self-advocate. We need to educate the NTs and explain what reasonable adjustments we need. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am writing as an autistic person with ADHD and dyspraxia, who managed to survive "the system" and complete several postgraduate courses, and who is now a social worker, mentor and very part-time university tutor. I also failed, repeated and dropped out of courses along the way, and would have done a lot better had I been properly diagnosed fifty years ago when I took (and failed) my first degree. Stuff happens, treat it as a learning experience and move on. 

Right now only he can help himself.  The people exist within the University to help him, but if he refuses to engage with them, he should withdraw.  I didn't and I ended up coming very close to a psych hold due to it.  One of my housemates got a one month hold.  Deteriorating mental health is no joke.

Frankly i wouldn't worry about Fitness to Study.  He is probably already most the way there to them suspending his study from what you've said.  He needs to be proactive now, autism doesn't mean dumb, it means different.  By not engaging he is acting dumb.  Tell him to get off his ass and go to student services and get the help he deserves.  If not the University probably will bounce him.  That's just how it is.  It happened to me recently on an A Level standard program, for different reasons, but they will eventually just suspend study until you act like an adult and deal with stuff.  If you can't, then they will terminate whatever contract you have with them and cite whatever reason.

Maybe if this happens you can hit them with the disabilities act and force them to be nice, but if you're son is incapable of dealing with university in the first place, is there any point?  University isn't for everyone, some just can't function there.

FTR, I have been to University, been on many college courses and did all of that before my diagnosis.  I struggled at university, but made it through, mostly intact.  After it i still couldn't hold a job down, nor function in any normal (NT) way, but then I'm not NT so expectation doesn't match reality. 

Thank you so much for your advice and information, which is really helpful! Glad to hear that your daughter thrived in her university, also glad to know that not all universities are unhelpful. Just wonder... may I ask which university it is ? 

Thank you very much for your kind reply - information you have given me is very informative and helpful. He has a one-to-one mentor and a study skills tutor but has stopped seeing them - he has cut out people who could possibly help him, including his parents. I think the problem with his university is that the Disability team does not communicate with academic staff who know nothing about his needs .As you suggested, I will encourage him to approach Student Advice Services. Thank you again for your useful information. Really appreciate it.  

Martin has given very good advice already so I don’t have much to add. Some universities have a confidential Student advice service. (This is usually independent of the university and might be run by the student union.) It might be a good idea to see if such a service exists for your son’s university- they might be able to give some more advice on how to best approach the situation.

The university should do more to support your son. He is legally entitled to reasonable adjustments. At my university autistic students can have one to one mentoring and the mentor can help with managing day to day life at uni, social situations, mental health, organisation etc. My university also offers study skills support if necessary (again 1 to 1). They also draw up a student support document for each student which gives advice to academic and pastoral staff on what adjustments should be made. This document will have a more general section and specific advice tailored to the needs of each individual. This is then shared with all academic and pastoral staff involved. There is also an option of having adjustments for exams if necessary. In addition there is a counselling service and funds that can be applied for in case more specialised counselling is needed which is not available through the university counselling service or NHS. They might even help fund things like noise cancelling headphones. There are also activities run specifically for autistic students. I just thought I would list some of the adjustments offered by my university to reassure you that what your son’s university is offering is not good enough and it is normal for there to be more adjustments than just help with ‘note taking’. 

The university is required by law to make 'reasonable adjustments' for disabled students. These adjustments are meant to ensure equal outcomes for disabled students so that the effects of the disability are nullified. Ideally, this means that there is an even playing field between able and disabled students.

The 'fitness to study' is not a 'get out of jail card' for the university, and what might be termed 'unreasonable support' for students in general, might not be so for disabled students. The university disability support team should be proactive in helping your son. They should have regular liaison contact with him. I would write a formal letter to a senior member of the university and cc the disability team, outlining your concerns about your son's treatment, and include that you think that he may be being discriminated against on the grounds of his disability.

Some universities are good in making useful accommodations. My autistic daughter received very useful support, which she considered prevented her from dropping out of her course. In the end she finished with a first class degree in chemistry, came top of her year and won a Royal Society of Chemistry prize.