teenage daughter with aspergers

@Bob, I think you might have meant to post in this thread: http://community.autism.org.uk/comment/21088#comment-21088

Hi Weehaggis

Just to remind you that the NAS Helpline is there to support and advise. Today it will be closed but do ring through when they are next open. 

I have experienced problems with a bully neighbour and the Police took it very seriously. Do keep pressing the police to act. 

http://www.autism.org.uk/Our-services/Advice-and-information-services/Autism-Helpline.aspx

I hope you have a good day today

Bob - Mod

Hi 

Intense world has said some good things.  

From your last post I think their is 2 main things: school and the running away thing. 

So, you say she is at a school that has a autism base-so does that mean that they understand autism, and help her? I notice a lot that people don't have a clue what ASD is, and such a simple thing I did of writing a information sheet about it and then specific things for me has been amazing help.   Sorry, I am getting of point, basically waht I mean to say is is the school being helpful, or is they anything they could do that would help more?  if they could can you ask them? 
How is she with after this argument with pals and now no-one in her peer group.  Maybe this is just me but I can not compelty understand how this is a problem.  I know I have never had friends, pals anything and am perfectly happy in my own company all the time if I could be. Maybe not everyone is the same. So, what is she struggling with, the change in people around her or does she acually miss and want people? 

Also for school is their lessons or days that she finds harder than others? like 1 lesson all the people she fell out with are in etc.. Could it be a idea to work out her 'good' and 'bad' lessons then see if you can work with the school to just have her go to the good ones and arrange somewhere else she can go when she should have  a bad lesson.  (like in the autism base you mention)  I know that whould not be ideal but I have done that and had a reduced timetable quite a few times and it really does help. And surly being in school and being in some but not all lessons is better than being at home all the time?  Just make sure you take it at her pace, if it has to be just in school for a morning and go to 1 lesson start it as that, and go gradually.  Make sure she agrees with it too and is happy to do what you are sugesting and that I think should make her bad behavour less-even better if she gets to choose things too (like which lessons she would like to go to first) so she feels more listend to, involved and able to make chosise for herself.  I know because I have had a lot of times I did not get these things and it is realy hard to deal with it because I can not tell people what I feel about things, yes my bahavior in home and school got worse and no one ever knew why. 

For the home/runing away thing I do not think I can be much help.  Intense world said some really good things about this -like make a 'me space' that has her faveret things and she can go any time to calm down (I have one of these, I love it!) and the next bit about if she can talk to you-as in can she make herelf listend to. I know I said I have expersineces of problems at home but i do not think they are the same as you. To me  it sounds like when she is run away to diferent people that she is deffinatly chosing what she wants and getting it. I never got that.   But like I said for school I think the 3 most important things can be for this too: she is listend to, happy to do what is agreed and able to make choses for herself. ( i know that is not the same as what i put before but that is the sumary and the 3 main things)   When I say listend to I mean including the things she may not say. I had problems with this that I do not say things unless asked about it. (I got told off for talking about my obsessions a lot so it now made me not really speak unless I have to)  I do not know here-she may have better communicaton than me but you should look for the the hidden things, which could be as simple as being sat in the 'wrong' place in the room, or she would prefer the kitchen to living room that would make it easier for her. Hopefully this all makes sense. 

I hope it helps.  If you would like to know anything more then you can ask some more questions. If you could be as specific as possible on what you would like to know about then that would help me to do my answere :) 
Amy 

People often say things when they are angry.  People on the spectrum could potentially be more prone to say what could sound like frightening things, due to fear, panic, feeling overwhelmed.  The fact that she didn't physically carry through with the threats shows it was just words.

She clearly doesn't realise the impact her words had, in the heat of the moment she wouldn't have been thinking about that.  All she would have wanted was for whatever was overwhelming her to stop.

She is taking the stress of school out on her family at home, which is very common, albeit it awful to deal with.  She is likely holding it all in at school and the stress of that is enormous.  She is probably feeling confused and angry at the argument she had with friends.

She may say that she dislikes family members, but I doubt that it's really true, it's her offloading stress at tiny triggers in the home.

The fact that she feels safe to unload her stress at home onto her family, is in a weird way a compliment.  It means that you are the people she trusts the most in the world.  This is why she feels betrayed at you calling the police.  People with autism often feel (without even realising it) that people know what they are thinking and she may have therefore assumed that you knew she didn't mean her threats and yet you still called the police.

She probably realises that you are walking on eggshells and this has fed what you call devious behaviour.  People on the spectrum are years behind emotionally and things that dawn on NTs are unlikely to dawn on someone on the spectrum, or at least they will do so late on and in a more childish way.  She is trying to control her world, a world that she finds stressful just to exist in.

Does she have a totally quiet space at home?  Does she feel that when she needs to, she can sit down calmly and talk to you about how she is feeling?  Is the TV too loud, are there a lot of visitors, is the phone always ringing?  All those types of things would build up in her as stress and at some point she would start letting it out, either in dribs and drabs as sarcastic or angry comments or meltdowns.

She needs to feel she can trust you again.  Talk to her calmly, tell her you know her life is stressful and that you understand, but she needs to recognise how her behaviour impacts others.  There might be some helpful books out there she can read.  She may have trouble identifying her own emotions and feelings (alexithymia) and this could cause her to act out in frustration.  She is scared and confused, you need to reach out to her in the right way.

Hi Amy,

Thanks for replying.Last year she was moved to a school with a "base" for autistic students.She made good,steady progress but about 6 weeks ago she had an arguement with her pals and now has no-one at school in her peer group.I have been off work post surgery so it is easy for her to stay at home.She is demanding,agressive ,manipulative and quite devious.She appears to go out of her way to upset all members of the house.She dislikes her dad,me and her sister.We walk on eggshells around her.The night she left i had called the police as she had threatened my other daughter and i followed through on a threat to call the police if she did not stop.She now feels(as she didn't actually touch us) that I have betrayed her and she no longer trusts me for anything.I would give my right arm for her but I am running low on resilience .She stayed with her gran but as she ran away from her home the police had to see her at my mums to complete the missing person report.I am willing to read your opinion and ideas if you have any to help me.Thanks again

Wee Haggis 

Hi

Can you explain more what she is doing and the problems you are having.

I am 17 and female with High Functionging ASD, diagnosed when I was 15. So maybe I can understand why your daugher is being like she is and I would know what would help me that you could try. 

All you really say is that she left your home last night. I have a lot of experience of probles getting on with my family and for about 4 years I have basically lived with whoever would have me at the time, or whoever I had argued with lest recently out of 4 possible houses in my family. yes I had to move around a lot often without any choice. 

Hope I can help
Amy