Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi All,.
I am trying to understand whether my son is having a (asd) meltdown or Tantrum. He is 9 so wonder if that's too old for a Tantrum.
I have looked at various recourses online and most seem to contradict each other high makes things even more confusing.
The following scenarios are where I get unsure.
1. I will ask my son to take some time off his tablet ( most times with prior warning / sometimes without.
2. My son will lose a game he has put allot of effort into.
3. I tell my son not to do something ( that it's not the appropriate behaviour
4. I ask my son to help out with small things in the home, tidy his room, pick up toys etc.
In all of the above scenarios he has ended up laying on the floor, not crying but making a whining noise that can go on for up to 1 hour. During this time me talking to him makes it worse, he doesn't want comfort or any calming strategies.
Any thoughts or views on which one the above could be?
Also wondering can it start out as a tantrum then turn into a meltdown?
Autistic children ALWAYS require advance warning unless there is grave danger. Otherwise they won't learn how to prioritise.
Emotional investment and investment of time is what is needed to build a home, care for a house. When there's a divorce or a house burns down, that's a great deal of time and emotional investment. He should feel this impact. It should hurt. Over time he'll learn it's just a game and invest much less of himself, thus learn to appropriate through trial and error or success how little or much to invest. However. He will need to learn how to understand what kind of humans he should invest in through his elders. Or how to invest in work through a mentor. If we try and fail at these on our own and act inappropriately there can be Very Grave consequence. A Game will not provide this.
Emotional regulation comes over time with Principles of perspective, codes of ethics, understanding nature vs nurture and other philosophical and psychological constructs. Where Typical children might be given this information though language which Autistics aren't 'wired' more or less to be able to read. There is a language barrier. Thus the reason to be more detailed and direct, over-communicating for understanding. Most problems for us have to do with what classic psychology would term: Absent Insight.
Autistics mature slower due to this language barrier. And young children do not understand winning / losing. Most humans do not enjoy losing, some make up for it in other ways, others learn to enjoy the journey and still others attempt to modify their life so they are not faced with losing so often. You may find he's less distraught if you affirm his sadness and frustration. "I sense your loss, I'm so sorry. Would you like to be sad alone or shall we do something fun". Console him like you would a good friend and allow him to cry it out. Eventually, his reaction might ease simply because he feels seen.
There are 2 main things to remember:
1. Never interrupt. An autistic's flow state is a place of learning and stress release. Always give fair warning. Respecting him this way teaches him to do the same to others. Monotropism explains flow-state quite well. As adults, we value those who are focused, driven and can sustain attention and follow-through with their craft. One part of this is the absolute need for Resolution. Learning to allow room for a grey space and in-between stage for this will only come over time once someone can trust, through Proven trial and success they will be able to resolve a thing.
2. Autistics can sense-perceive with a far greater intensity than non autistic peers. So feelings, regardless of one's ability to identify them will always be far more intense. there is little to be done with this, see the Bayesian Theory of Autism captures this quite well: an inability to predict, sensing the world as far too real.
Finally, when assigning tasks, start by doing them with him like we might when they're small. Togetherness and connexion is fostered and trust and respect both built. Eventually, he will let you know when he's ready to do them on his own and will be far more mature for it. Schedule things ahead, so he can properly envision the end goal, which will help him desire to achieve it / Resolve it.
Purple2486 said:Also wondering can it start out as a tantrum then turn into a meltdown?
I would think so
I have trouble knowing the difference between tantrums and meltdowns myself, but my guess is any situation could be a meltdown or a tantrum for the same thing. Like telling him to get off his tablet, I could see it being a tantrum but also I could see it being a meltdown if he maybe wanted more time but couldnt explain then it triggered a meltdown or something along those lines. I think meltdowns are from being overwhelmed whether that be from stimuli or emotions, while a tantrum is to get something you want (I could be wrong).
This is on google if this helps: "One benchmark many parents use is that a tantrum is likely to subside if no one is paying attention to it. This is opposed to a meltdown, during which a child loses control so completely that the behavior only stops when they wear themselves out and/or the parent is able to calm them down."