Published on 12, July, 2020
I've come to this page because I need help - we need help.
My 8 year old boy who was born VERY premature was finally diagnosed with asd and sensory processing disorder this week, to go with the existing diagnosis of anxiety and growth hormone deficiency. His behaviours (80% of them to do with his asd and anxiety) have really affected the family dynamic. My wife can't cope anymore and the last year has been tough all around.
Although we are relieved that we now know what we are dealing with, since his diagnosis things seem to gave got much harder. We don't know what to do. I've shown my little boy some age relevant videos relating to his diagnosis, I've read him books related to anxiety and autism, but I just don't know what to do besides this. My wife thinks we should separate so that we can both have a break from our sons challenging behaviour by sharing our time with him, but I want to fight for our family.
Now I understand why my son behaves the way he does, my anger at his behaviour has turned to (I'm ashamed to say) pity. I hate that I feel sorry for him, and I hate myself for ever being angry at him. My wife's at a different stage and she just can't cope and this is causing more of a rift as I'm trying to do my best for everyone.
I didn't know what else to do but share how I feel. It's probably not appropriate and is definitely a breach of mine and my wife's trust. We still love each other but we can't go on this way.
Thanks for listening x
I think that if both parents are taking care of him and it's already difficult, I can't imagine what it would be like if a single parent has all the responsibility of taking care of him, and all the difficulty and challenges solely rests on them. That's a lot more to handle.
I mean your wife might want to separare to get a break, but after that break, she'll have to take care of her son by herself, and bare all the responsibilities, at least while you are getting your break. That's going to be a lot harder than having both parents there.
I think your wife is just exhausted and needs a break. I think that having someone to babysit the child might be a good idea, so that your wife can have a break. The babysitter could be a close family member, or someone you trust, and you might need to really work with them and train them so that they understand your son's needs.
I agree with all of the above - at the moment, when one of us is struggling, the other one steps up and takes control of the situation. Being separate wouldn't help that, but all she sees currently is that she would have 3/4 days rest in between visits. My wife loves my Son to pieces and she's been noted by medical professionals as his rescue / bridge. For example, when he's struggling to put his feelings into words, she helps him. I think that in doing this she lives through our Son's eyes which has just caused her to completely burn out.
I'll speak with her this evening after work and try to formulate a bit of a plan for us all to get the time we need. It's hard at the moment as she's not very communicative.
Thank you again.
Yeah burnout is a serious issue for anybody. It's important to have a break once in awhile. I hope you and your wife can work something out together.
Thank you - We are working on it - It's still very early days but we do have a great support network - I just hope that my wife can realise this and learn to let go when she needs to.