Published on 12, July, 2020
I wanted to join a discussion for women married to men with Aspergers but I must be a bit thick as I can't see how to join in the threads I have read so far. I have been married for 45 years and for 34 of those years I have been chronically sick and disabled. Although I always knew my husband was 'a bit strange' I thought it was mostly his upbringing and then this year discovered it was Aspergers. Reading about it and seeing a counseller has helped but I am overwhelmed by the sadness I feel that I have in some ways 'wasted' 45 years of my life expecting something different and always trying to work things out and hope for change. Now I know that I can stop banging my head against a brick wall but I also know that if I could turn the clock back I would not have married this man. I can't leave him now. It's too difficult because of my condition. I have often said that if my husband had taken up medicine he would have been a brilliant surgeon who would save your life but have no bedside manner! It's the emotional support which is lacking. He can build a ramp and adapt a bathroom but when another long term medical condition hit me 3 years ago and I thought I was going to lose my sight he said NOTHING! It's words that fail him. Anyway, this is just a start as I dip my toe into this community... but I would like to hear from other people who are NTs and whose health is not good and have found their partners wanting in that situation because of their lack of empathy. Even though he tells me he loves me every day you begin to wonder what love is because somehow it feels like a mechanical habit as he always says it at the same time and in the same way... Gotta go now
Hi - I'm not autistic, my adult son is + he's not aspergers. Maybe I can contribute something? I think some people who contribute to this site will have experienced a lack of empathy or concern from someone significant to them at some point. This inevitably hurts, especially if we v much need that understanding because of our circumstances, such as being physically or emotionally unwell. When life is ok we sometimes don't need the same level of support and just get on with things such as raising children, going to work, socialising etc. It's when things take a turn for the worse that we need more help and understanding. Also, as you know, when we are ill, especially chronically, we can easily become isolated, apart from others who brightened up our day. We stay at home much more, socialise less and our "world" can become small : immediate family, tv, etc. I don't know if all this has happened to you, but I know it can happen. I read the other day about a woman who's paraplegic. She was talking about her husband and son. She said that some men show their love more by their actions than their words. I think there's truth in that, depending upon the man. There are other men who leave a relationship/marriage once a partner/wife becomes ill. That must be such a cruel thing to endure, such a terrible rejection at such a low point in someone's life. Getting older means we look back more. What have we achieved, is it enough, does it satisfy us, are we generally happy with those decisions? We can dwell on how unfair life can be which adds to the misery and I don't mean that lightly. We can be angry with ourselves for what we've missed and blame those closest to us. But we also played a part in that. These are very deep and strong emotions which take a lot of dealing with, so having a therapist should help with that. It's coming to terms with things as they are or coming to terms the best you can. You both have a lot to deal with each day. You both care for each other, perhaps in different ways or by showing it differently. If your health had been ok you might have decided to leave at some point. Now you feel you're trapped. Ill health always traps people. The person who is unwell and anyone in their immediate family. It traps them physically and mentally. To some degree you're both in the same position. I don't know if you get any help from an agency so that you and your husband can both have a break - where someone such as a support worker could come in or you could maybe go out with them to somewhere you enjoyed? Sometimes things such as that can make a difference. I hope you don't mind me mentioning it.