Published on 12, July, 2020
I wanted to join a discussion for women married to men with Aspergers but I must be a bit thick as I can't see how to join in the threads I have read so far. I have been married for 45 years and for 34 of those years I have been chronically sick and disabled. Although I always knew my husband was 'a bit strange' I thought it was mostly his upbringing and then this year discovered it was Aspergers. Reading about it and seeing a counseller has helped but I am overwhelmed by the sadness I feel that I have in some ways 'wasted' 45 years of my life expecting something different and always trying to work things out and hope for change. Now I know that I can stop banging my head against a brick wall but I also know that if I could turn the clock back I would not have married this man. I can't leave him now. It's too difficult because of my condition. I have often said that if my husband had taken up medicine he would have been a brilliant surgeon who would save your life but have no bedside manner! It's the emotional support which is lacking. He can build a ramp and adapt a bathroom but when another long term medical condition hit me 3 years ago and I thought I was going to lose my sight he said NOTHING! It's words that fail him. Anyway, this is just a start as I dip my toe into this community... but I would like to hear from other people who are NTs and whose health is not good and have found their partners wanting in that situation because of their lack of empathy. Even though he tells me he loves me every day you begin to wonder what love is because somehow it feels like a mechanical habit as he always says it at the same time and in the same way... Gotta go now
I am not angry (why would I be?) and I am not judging you, I'm offering the other side. I think if you have lived with someone with the same condition as me for 45 years, you ought to have learned some of the ways such a person expresses themselves. This is factually, and in what some may consider a blunt way. But it is also open and honest. You get what you see on the tin, there are no psychological head games and ulterior motives with people on the spectrum. I am just being open and trying to get you to appreciate his side. I thought you were angry as you have blamed him so much. All anyone can go on is what you posted. Perhaps it is ME (Myalgic encephalomyelitis) or chronic fatigue syndrome, that you have, maybe that is why you say your condition is controversial. If so, you have more in common with your husband than you think. You might want to look at this, it's actually about lupus but there are a surprising amount of parallels with what it's like to have Asperger's and what it costs you to get through each day: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
Any questions I asked were rhetorical, there was no need to answer them.
I'm sure others with similar experiences as you will come along and empathise. You are of course entitled to 'have a moan' and stopping that is not what my message was about.