Disabled and married to an Aspie

Hi Hotel california,

Thanks very much for your reply.  In the past year I think I've read every book I can lay my hands on and have learned much from them but I do feel that there is a huge gap for people like me who are disabled and reliant on an Aspie partner/carer.  I plan to write my own book but finding the energy is not easy.  I do have a very lovely therapist who I have known for over 15 years and she understands the situation.  She helped with  "say what you mean and mean what you say" which she realised I wasn't always doing because I found it so hard to express my needs to a moody man who went into shutdown.  I now realise how specific I have to be and that I can't appeal to his emotions or expect him to anticipate my needs.  It does make the whole situation more wearying because when I'm with people who are way ahead of me and OFFER help it is so much easier.  I do say with great regret that if someone had sat down with me in 1968 and explained that my moody but devastatingly good looking boyfriend/husband-to-be was going to make me feel lonely and unwanted; was not going to be that interested in sex; was going to need loads and loads of space; would not understand other people's emotions then I would not have married him.  I would not leave him now because he needs me as much as I need him and because at his best he is funny, reliable, a good home maker and what is surprising to those who know him - he is an amazingly good grandfather.  I don't think my children or grandchildren would forgive me if I left him but there have been many times when I have wished that I could.  If I had not become ill in 1980 then everything might have been different.  I could have had a job and a life outside of my marriage; I could have been more independent; I could have earned my own money; I could have taken off whenever I wanted to but as it is he has been the wage earner and is 'careful' about money so gets no joy from it.  My friendships have sustained me but when I was diagnosed with eye problems 3 years ago I was devastated at the thought of going blind and having to rely on this man yet again.  I have to go to the eye hospital regularly and he is impatient and huffs and puffs and does not say anything soothing to me to get me through it so I have had to be strong for myself and tell myself that at least he is there physically.  Without him I'd have to pay for expensive taxis.  There isn't anyone else.  My children live away and have small children to take care of.   It all sounds terribly sad but I'm trying to connect with others who have perhaps experienced the same kind of thing.  I have read some of the other comments and feel so sorry for the younger women - one of whom said that there was no honeymoon period and I remember feeling that when I was first married and wondering what was wrong with ME!   Now I know it wasn't me.  I want to say to those younger women 'get out while you can' because I wish I had.

Hi Hotel california,

Thanks very much for your reply.  In the past year I think I've read every book I can lay my hands on and have learned much from them but I do feel that there is a huge gap for people like me who are disabled and reliant on an Aspie partner/carer.  I plan to write my own book but finding the energy is not easy.  I do have a very lovely therapist who I have known for over 15 years and she understands the situation.  She helped with  "say what you mean and mean what you say" which she realised I wasn't always doing because I found it so hard to express my needs to a moody man who went into shutdown.  I now realise how specific I have to be and that I can't appeal to his emotions or expect him to anticipate my needs.  It does make the whole situation more wearying because when I'm with people who are way ahead of me and OFFER help it is so much easier.  I do say with great regret that if someone had sat down with me in 1968 and explained that my moody but devastatingly good looking boyfriend/husband-to-be was going to make me feel lonely and unwanted; was not going to be that interested in sex; was going to need loads and loads of space; would not understand other people's emotions then I would not have married him.  I would not leave him now because he needs me as much as I need him and because at his best he is funny, reliable, a good home maker and what is surprising to those who know him - he is an amazingly good grandfather.  I don't think my children or grandchildren would forgive me if I left him but there have been many times when I have wished that I could.  If I had not become ill in 1980 then everything might have been different.  I could have had a job and a life outside of my marriage; I could have been more independent; I could have earned my own money; I could have taken off whenever I wanted to but as it is he has been the wage earner and is 'careful' about money so gets no joy from it.  My friendships have sustained me but when I was diagnosed with eye problems 3 years ago I was devastated at the thought of going blind and having to rely on this man yet again.  I have to go to the eye hospital regularly and he is impatient and huffs and puffs and does not say anything soothing to me to get me through it so I have had to be strong for myself and tell myself that at least he is there physically.  Without him I'd have to pay for expensive taxis.  There isn't anyone else.  My children live away and have small children to take care of.   It all sounds terribly sad but I'm trying to connect with others who have perhaps experienced the same kind of thing.  I have read some of the other comments and feel so sorry for the younger women - one of whom said that there was no honeymoon period and I remember feeling that when I was first married and wondering what was wrong with ME!   Now I know it wasn't me.  I want to say to those younger women 'get out while you can' because I wish I had.