Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
Looking for a wee bit of advice - if anyone else is in (or has been) in the same boat, or has had similar situations. My son is currently going through a skateboarding phase and is suddenly taking an interest in weather. He hates not being able to go out with his board as he sees the rain as an obstical to do this activity, he currently lives and breaths skateboarding. Although, I am all for encouraging him to be outdoors and getting exercise - however - living near the highlands (I'm near the Glens on the east coast) - the weather is not so great this time of the year. My boy won't stop having meltdowns as a result of not wanting to take his skateboard out in the rain and is struggling to understand that his board won't get ruined straight away - and that nobody can control the weather. He also seems to think that by constantly screaming at me about where he can go to skate that's sheltered and not flooded, and hitting me for good measure, will get me to know where he can go. I have tried countless times sitting down with him in a quiet and relaxed manner and talking to him gently about this, but this only seems to be aggrivating the situation and making him worse. It's so bad that my neighbour shouts out his window telling him to shut up and calls him derogetory names - knowing fine well he has autism and potentially other disabilities. I have tried to explain to him that he can have more than one interest and have tried exploring some examples with him. I am fully aware that it's not as straight forward as that for his brain to understand this.
Can anyone relate to this? How have you helped your autistic with things like this? (I will be bringing all this up to CAMHS when he eventually gets his appointment)
Having special interests tthat are almost so strong they qualify as addictions is basically 50% of the definition of what autism is. The technical term clinicians use is repetitive behaviours and interests. And I don’t really think there’s any way around it you’re just going to have to adapt to his obsession with skateboarding.
as for meltdowns One of the things but might be making his meltdowns worse is maybe he has the sense that he’s not really getting through to you how important skateboarding is to him. Which of course creates a feedback loop because then he gets agitated and frustrated that he can’t seem to make you understand. Which probably I imagine makes you try to divert or change the subject somehow or play down the importance of skateboarding. Which only convinces him even more that you don’t understand what he’s feeling and makes him even more frustrated and that cycle leads into meltdown.
what I’m saying is even if you think it’s silly and excessive he might have fewer meltdowns if you take his earnest desire to skateboard 24/7 seriously. Even if there is very little you can do about it just treating it as if it is a serious problem might make him feel better.
There's another parent here with the same issue. My son is old enough to actually consider moving to Sheffield specifically because of the skate community! I actually think it's something worth getting funding for in smaller communities.
No child really understands these grown-up dilemmas. Non-autistic children appear compliant, because they're learning something else socially in being told no, which will involve repressing their anger, allowing it to fester into resentment and turning that into covert ways to rebel as they grow. "Accidentally breaking a favourite mug. Saying something at a public dinner which is a private matter. This is why in their teens, what's Typical, is for secretive and destructive behaviour, which our society actually rewards if you can get far enough to the top of a legal or finance firm. Autistic children don't learn to respond socially to authority as a hierarchy which they will at some point engineer and dominate. Autistic children will be confused and not understand these structures. They'll need reassuring that we care about their desires and longings and that life creates obstacles, which with resources, can be limits which help us learn to creatively work with and not against.
I think he may need to get used to you agreeing with him, empathising with what is genuinely painful for him to make sense of right now. Oh to be that young! And to have these real weights! If you allow his suffering over this seemingly trivial thing, this great disappointment will eventually pass and he will have learned that you care about even the smallest plight. That's where the magic happens and kids genuinely feel more grounding. You'll have earned a great deal of trust. If you do this task, eventually, he will allow others their pain, even if to him, it seems trivial.
Honestly juniper your advice is amazing, so helpful and informative, thank you for sharing your knowledge
Yes you’re very right to complain about your neighbour- that’s so cruel. I suppose I just see it from the perspective of an autistic child as I was one and I’m raising them too so my natural bias is to have whole hearted empathy for your son, I appreciate it must be harder at times maybe for non autistic parents to completely understand and I really do not want to in anyway offend you or make you feel bad at all, I genuinely feel for your son and I really apologise I can’t support you with any helpful advice but I really hope you can access the support you both need, please keep trying and remember how precious he is
I have put complaints in about the neighbour - he's an idiot, I mean - he could have came to my door instead of shouting out his window and shouting abuse for the whole street to hear, but nah - no him. I do try to be patient, i really do, unfortunately he's at that age where he's just relentless. trying to tell him I don't know 100 times a day is like hitting my head off the hardest wall i can find, it's got to the point that I can no longer redirect his attention onto something else
unfortunately it's skate outside or nothing for him - as he says - "skate or die" - he actually needs to be outside and actually on his board, I'm absolutley 1000 percent all for excersise however, he has issues with mother nature and despite being 13, he thinks that it doesn't need to rain and that it's a waist of time and nobody and nothing needs rain - not this much. He's insisting I move him to a city at the other side of the country so he can have an indoor skate park - but again he's not in a place where he can understand that we can't just move whenever he says so - he is also very naive to the fact that it's me that decides where we live, not him, Unfortunatley I can't take him to the skate park he wants as it takes 3 hours to get there by public transport. I've tried assuring him that we can look into things to help get something similar set up here - but this isn't good enough for him
Such great advice juniper, what great ideas, I hope this really helps your son and you NAS89
My son is 26 & dyslexic. Skateboarding became a way for him to make real friends. It's a great addiction! Healthy, promotes trying new things, great for proprioception and building confidence. The intensity of his *disappointment* is due to being autistic and just feeling everything to a great degree of impact. The day didn't match the vision he had emotionally prepared for. It's learning to prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and seize the moment when it arrives, which he'll need to work on.
When it rains, my son will practice tricks in his bedroom, watch skate videos, video what he's doing on the board and compare notes. When he was little, we cleared the living room so he could practice on the carpet. Life doesn't need the classic living room anyway, I'd much rather have a space to be creative in.
You’re neighbour sounds absolutely vile and heartless, ignorant to boot, I’d have reported him for hate crime. Please please be patient with your son, I want to give him a big hug and tell him it’s ok