violent outbursts

Hitting is never OK. Never ignore this, but you don't need to be reactionary either. This is always a survival mode reaction. He may need some kind of exercise to get the built-up energy out. But the reason you might be told not to discipline could be to not discipline in ways which make little sense to Autistics. We have a different reward system, as we have different motives. If you allow him to hit you or anyone else, he may end up at the police. So don't ignore it. As a parent, the first step toward teaching an autistic child matters of consequence is to really prioritise, then affirm and redirect the intensity.

Health, safety and future well-being should the fundamental principles which drive protecting him from himself and helping him learn to be mindful about consequence and others. Everything else is negotiable. If a parent is emotionally driven over meals, homework, housework, and also running into the street, the child won't be able to understand what is of grave consequence and won't know what's up or down. 

For most autistic children, the absolute worst thing is interruption. Surprises. They can cause accidents and can feel like being hit from the back of the head. It's like waking a sleepwalker. This might actually be the opposite for our non-autistic peers, so you can see there is a massive mismatch in society with this.

It's also important they're not trying to navigate a world they feel unprotected in and sensory-assault from. For instance, if you can, I'd suggest buying one halogen lamp for his room, 100% cotton and natural fibre clothes to change into after school, and allow him extra alone time. Buy an analogue clock and if you can always give at least 15 minute warnings for change. Never force him to eat and if it is a struggle, just leave safe and healthy foods within reach and allow him to pick at things when he's hungry. My grandmother would leave carrots, chopped fruit and nuts about. 

Reading some of the other comments, I'd love to just add:

The best thing I learned to say is this one phrase: "How can I help". 

This not only affords them agency to accept or refuse, but also helps them think through a situation and begin to learn their strengths and limits. Thus learning to take an internal inventory. Learning to pause, consider, then respond. 

The emotion and intensity of it will never go away. Never. We don't dull our senses or sublimate / repress. Further, while they exist, what we'll need to learn is that intense emotions should not rule us, but they should also never be dismissed, ridiculed or treated with contempt. Autistic children need help learning to exit a situation when they are intensely impacted, or to remove themselves from a source of extreme intensity. If we can understand underlying principles and social systems, even better. In fact, the more we learn about psychology and the science of things, add how to protect ourselves, the less often we're feeling trapped in situations we cannot understand, and the intensity is usually a compounding of unrelenting, continual problems. 

The monotropic brain is easily lost in a moment or swept up into the quest, question, the task, it's hard to snap out of a thing as we lose time in a hyper-focus mode. Eternal is the moment. 4 seconds become 4 hours in a flash. And when all of life is a struggle coupled with a desperate need for resolution, the appearance of being driven is also what can keep us up all night solving something which might benefit everyone. So it has potential. 

As my son got older I was able to add in, "don't take away my purpose!" with a dash of charm - in other words, as a mum, I only have one job, to help you succeed. But I also found allowing him to do things which made him feel purposeful or 'manly' became important like - actually bringing in ALL the groceries in one go. LOL Offering to help, and allowing him to refuse, was affording him his small "wins".

1. Hello both. I haven't got any answers as such but after reading NAS89464's question and reading NAS89483's response its like reading about my own son who is 10 and diagnosed in march this year. We are awaiting an ADHD assessment too. My son has only just started this week to do his top button up on his school shirt which is great and I have praised him for this (being careful not to go over the top as he doesn't like this either and can get overwhelmed by swearing and shouting at me) but this morning he did struggle and after about 4 mins of trying he punched the freestanding mirror and stomped out of the room. My first reaction is to say why he did this and that he could have hurt himself but this was received with him swearing at me, he hates me and then walking past me on the landing but not before he stood on my foot then asked me to move. I try to remain calm but I find that I'm talking his reactions and responses personally and obviously I'm worried he could have broke the mirror and cut himself. I know he didn't and I know the reason is because he's frustrated about the button, in the end he allowed his older sister to button it. He is the same when playing his Xbox , throws the controllers, hits the TV, says some horrible things to me etc when he might be losing, or if I have asked to turn off after giving a count down of so many minutes so he can have a shower and settle for the evening and when we reach the point of no resolution I end up turning it off he will then hit me and push me away. I'm learning to walk away at a safe point like NAS89483 described but it is so very hard. He will then say sorry numerous times which I acknowledge but he then thinks he can go back to playing like nothing ever happened and when I try to explain we try not to throw things when we get frustrated or that if he is frustrated that he may need to stop for a break, the whole process starts again and the controllers end up pieces on the floor, I get punched and told I'm a B etc. My son selects home to offload after coming from school and it's definitely me who gets the brunt then his sister next. Like I said no answers from me but relief of some sort that we are not alone as I sometimes feel I am

Hello, I'm a mum of 10 year old with an ADHD and Autism diagnosis. My son has had very similar behaviour throughout his childhood, and I know how challenging it can be. My son generally seems to have improved in recent years which might be due to maturity, but he's recently started becoming a little bit angry again - I believe its the result of him not being happy in school as his one best friend moved away last year - By no means are the outbursts ever as bad as they were when was younger (between the ages of 2 and 8). With my son, it has seems to now be in relation to him being dysregulated, and getting 'stuck' on wanting to do certain things,  e.g. repeatedly trying to win a level of a game that's too challenging for him. He'll shout and start crashing his controller into things out of frustration. So, when I step in and ask him to take a break from the thing that's stressing him out, he can be quite adamant that I'm causing him more distress by asking him to stop playing to take a breather. He'll say pretty nasty things when he's in that state, and I need to try not to react directly, other than simply making him aware that it's not the best way of sharing his feelings. I do have to explain to my son that the consequence of him not stepping away from the situation to focus on grounding, may result in me taking control of what he's doing by removing his access to screens, etc. I try to give him clear warnings and reasonable time to think about it. I think it's the 'struggling to switch from one task to another' and 'having trouble with processing change' symptoms. It requires so much patience and sometimes having to think ahead of all these situations. I express to my son that I'm feeling hurt by what he says and how he responds to me at those times, therefore I need to go and regulate my own nervous system before we can continue. I know this can be a challenge in itself as we need to make sure they're safe - I do always check that he's not about to hurt himself or break anything before I step away from those heated situations. It depends on the individual child and circumstances, I suppose; you know your son best. I always return to my son and keep things initially forcused on how his body might be feeling ie. It he too hot? Is it too bright in the room? Too noisey? And all the rest (this can be done before leaving the room, depending on how able you are to handle that at the time). I'll then try to keep him in the present and get him to ask himself if he's in any way uncomfortable, and thinking about what might help his body to feel better. I'll remind him that I love him and I care about him, then I'll calmly request that we can "talk nicely to eachother" (the reason I make this a 'we' statement is so that he feels like we're a team and that I'm not against him). I'll explain to him that I'm trying to help him and do what's best for him, giving him realistic expectations of what we can do and what compromises we can make. Usually I'll use the 'first' and 'then' technique and say 'because-' so it's easier for him to process. I know that your situation is probably different in many ways and complex in itself, but I hope that anything I've said here has helped because you're really not alone. Another thing I learned, only recently, is that with autism, children will often be most difficult with one place in particular. So it's common that they'll choose either school or home to let out all their feelings - it stems from having to mask, but also because of routine and predictability. Kids let out all their feelings and usually the mother and parents get the brunt of it when situations deviate from routine, or if they happen to be dysregulated.

Kind regards.