violent outbursts

Hello, I'm a mum of 10 year old with an ADHD and Autism diagnosis. My son has had very similar behaviour throughout his childhood, and I know how challenging it can be. My son generally seems to have improved in recent years which might be due to maturity, but he's recently started becoming a little bit angry again - I believe its the result of him not being happy in school as his one best friend moved away last year - By no means are the outbursts ever as bad as they were when was younger (between the ages of 2 and 8). With my son, it has seems to now be in relation to him being dysregulated, and getting 'stuck' on wanting to do certain things,  e.g. repeatedly trying to win a level of a game that's too challenging for him. He'll shout and start crashing his controller into things out of frustration. So, when I step in and ask him to take a break from the thing that's stressing him out, he can be quite adamant that I'm causing him more distress by asking him to stop playing to take a breather. He'll say pretty nasty things when he's in that state, and I need to try not to react directly, other than simply making him aware that it's not the best way of sharing his feelings. I do have to explain to my son that the consequence of him not stepping away from the situation to focus on grounding, may result in me taking control of what he's doing by removing his access to screens, etc. I try to give him clear warnings and reasonable time to think about it. I think it's the 'struggling to switch from one task to another' and 'having trouble with processing change' symptoms. It requires so much patience and sometimes having to think ahead of all these situations. I express to my son that I'm feeling hurt by what he says and how he responds to me at those times, therefore I need to go and regulate my own nervous system before we can continue. I know this can be a challenge in itself as we need to make sure they're safe - I do always check that he's not about to hurt himself or break anything before I step away from those heated situations. It depends on the individual child and circumstances, I suppose; you know your son best. I always return to my son and keep things initially forcused on how his body might be feeling ie. It he too hot? Is it too bright in the room? Too noisey? And all the rest (this can be done before leaving the room, depending on how able you are to handle that at the time). I'll then try to keep him in the present and get him to ask himself if he's in any way uncomfortable, and thinking about what might help his body to feel better. I'll remind him that I love him and I care about him, then I'll calmly request that we can "talk nicely to eachother" (the reason I make this a 'we' statement is so that he feels like we're a team and that I'm not against him). I'll explain to him that I'm trying to help him and do what's best for him, giving him realistic expectations of what we can do and what compromises we can make. Usually I'll use the 'first' and 'then' technique and say 'because-' so it's easier for him to process. I know that your situation is probably different in many ways and complex in itself, but I hope that anything I've said here has helped because you're really not alone. Another thing I learned, only recently, is that with autism, children will often be most difficult with one place in particular. So it's common that they'll choose either school or home to let out all their feelings - it stems from having to mask, but also because of routine and predictability. Kids let out all their feelings and usually the mother and parents get the brunt of it when situations deviate from routine, or if they happen to be dysregulated.

Kind regards.

Hello, I'm a mum of 10 year old with an ADHD and Autism diagnosis. My son has had very similar behaviour throughout his childhood, and I know how challenging it can be. My son generally seems to have improved in recent years which might be due to maturity, but he's recently started becoming a little bit angry again - I believe its the result of him not being happy in school as his one best friend moved away last year - By no means are the outbursts ever as bad as they were when was younger (between the ages of 2 and 8). With my son, it has seems to now be in relation to him being dysregulated, and getting 'stuck' on wanting to do certain things,  e.g. repeatedly trying to win a level of a game that's too challenging for him. He'll shout and start crashing his controller into things out of frustration. So, when I step in and ask him to take a break from the thing that's stressing him out, he can be quite adamant that I'm causing him more distress by asking him to stop playing to take a breather. He'll say pretty nasty things when he's in that state, and I need to try not to react directly, other than simply making him aware that it's not the best way of sharing his feelings. I do have to explain to my son that the consequence of him not stepping away from the situation to focus on grounding, may result in me taking control of what he's doing by removing his access to screens, etc. I try to give him clear warnings and reasonable time to think about it. I think it's the 'struggling to switch from one task to another' and 'having trouble with processing change' symptoms. It requires so much patience and sometimes having to think ahead of all these situations. I express to my son that I'm feeling hurt by what he says and how he responds to me at those times, therefore I need to go and regulate my own nervous system before we can continue. I know this can be a challenge in itself as we need to make sure they're safe - I do always check that he's not about to hurt himself or break anything before I step away from those heated situations. It depends on the individual child and circumstances, I suppose; you know your son best. I always return to my son and keep things initially forcused on how his body might be feeling ie. It he too hot? Is it too bright in the room? Too noisey? And all the rest (this can be done before leaving the room, depending on how able you are to handle that at the time). I'll then try to keep him in the present and get him to ask himself if he's in any way uncomfortable, and thinking about what might help his body to feel better. I'll remind him that I love him and I care about him, then I'll calmly request that we can "talk nicely to eachother" (the reason I make this a 'we' statement is so that he feels like we're a team and that I'm not against him). I'll explain to him that I'm trying to help him and do what's best for him, giving him realistic expectations of what we can do and what compromises we can make. Usually I'll use the 'first' and 'then' technique and say 'because-' so it's easier for him to process. I know that your situation is probably different in many ways and complex in itself, but I hope that anything I've said here has helped because you're really not alone. Another thing I learned, only recently, is that with autism, children will often be most difficult with one place in particular. So it's common that they'll choose either school or home to let out all their feelings - it stems from having to mask, but also because of routine and predictability. Kids let out all their feelings and usually the mother and parents get the brunt of it when situations deviate from routine, or if they happen to be dysregulated.

Kind regards.