violent outbursts

Hitting is never OK. Never ignore this, but you don't need to be reactionary either. This is always a survival mode reaction. He may need some kind of exercise to get the built-up energy out. But the reason you might be told not to discipline could be to not discipline in ways which make little sense to Autistics. We have a different reward system, as we have different motives. If you allow him to hit you or anyone else, he may end up at the police. So don't ignore it. As a parent, the first step toward teaching an autistic child matters of consequence is to really prioritise, then affirm and redirect the intensity.

Health, safety and future well-being should the fundamental principles which drive protecting him from himself and helping him learn to be mindful about consequence and others. Everything else is negotiable. If a parent is emotionally driven over meals, homework, housework, and also running into the street, the child won't be able to understand what is of grave consequence and won't know what's up or down. 

For most autistic children, the absolute worst thing is interruption. Surprises. They can cause accidents and can feel like being hit from the back of the head. It's like waking a sleepwalker. This might actually be the opposite for our non-autistic peers, so you can see there is a massive mismatch in society with this.

It's also important they're not trying to navigate a world they feel unprotected in and sensory-assault from. For instance, if you can, I'd suggest buying one halogen lamp for his room, 100% cotton and natural fibre clothes to change into after school, and allow him extra alone time. Buy an analogue clock and if you can always give at least 15 minute warnings for change. Never force him to eat and if it is a struggle, just leave safe and healthy foods within reach and allow him to pick at things when he's hungry. My grandmother would leave carrots, chopped fruit and nuts about. 

Reading some of the other comments, I'd love to just add:

The best thing I learned to say is this one phrase: "How can I help". 

This not only affords them agency to accept or refuse, but also helps them think through a situation and begin to learn their strengths and limits. Thus learning to take an internal inventory. Learning to pause, consider, then respond. 

The emotion and intensity of it will never go away. Never. We don't dull our senses or sublimate / repress. Further, while they exist, what we'll need to learn is that intense emotions should not rule us, but they should also never be dismissed, ridiculed or treated with contempt. Autistic children need help learning to exit a situation when they are intensely impacted, or to remove themselves from a source of extreme intensity. If we can understand underlying principles and social systems, even better. In fact, the more we learn about psychology and the science of things, add how to protect ourselves, the less often we're feeling trapped in situations we cannot understand, and the intensity is usually a compounding of unrelenting, continual problems. 

The monotropic brain is easily lost in a moment or swept up into the quest, question, the task, it's hard to snap out of a thing as we lose time in a hyper-focus mode. Eternal is the moment. 4 seconds become 4 hours in a flash. And when all of life is a struggle coupled with a desperate need for resolution, the appearance of being driven is also what can keep us up all night solving something which might benefit everyone. So it has potential. 

As my son got older I was able to add in, "don't take away my purpose!" with a dash of charm - in other words, as a mum, I only have one job, to help you succeed. But I also found allowing him to do things which made him feel purposeful or 'manly' became important like - actually bringing in ALL the groceries in one go. LOL Offering to help, and allowing him to refuse, was affording him his small "wins".

Hitting is never OK. Never ignore this, but you don't need to be reactionary either. This is always a survival mode reaction. He may need some kind of exercise to get the built-up energy out. But the reason you might be told not to discipline could be to not discipline in ways which make little sense to Autistics. We have a different reward system, as we have different motives. If you allow him to hit you or anyone else, he may end up at the police. So don't ignore it. As a parent, the first step toward teaching an autistic child matters of consequence is to really prioritise, then affirm and redirect the intensity.

Health, safety and future well-being should the fundamental principles which drive protecting him from himself and helping him learn to be mindful about consequence and others. Everything else is negotiable. If a parent is emotionally driven over meals, homework, housework, and also running into the street, the child won't be able to understand what is of grave consequence and won't know what's up or down. 

For most autistic children, the absolute worst thing is interruption. Surprises. They can cause accidents and can feel like being hit from the back of the head. It's like waking a sleepwalker. This might actually be the opposite for our non-autistic peers, so you can see there is a massive mismatch in society with this.

It's also important they're not trying to navigate a world they feel unprotected in and sensory-assault from. For instance, if you can, I'd suggest buying one halogen lamp for his room, 100% cotton and natural fibre clothes to change into after school, and allow him extra alone time. Buy an analogue clock and if you can always give at least 15 minute warnings for change. Never force him to eat and if it is a struggle, just leave safe and healthy foods within reach and allow him to pick at things when he's hungry. My grandmother would leave carrots, chopped fruit and nuts about. 

Reading some of the other comments, I'd love to just add:

The best thing I learned to say is this one phrase: "How can I help". 

This not only affords them agency to accept or refuse, but also helps them think through a situation and begin to learn their strengths and limits. Thus learning to take an internal inventory. Learning to pause, consider, then respond. 

The emotion and intensity of it will never go away. Never. We don't dull our senses or sublimate / repress. Further, while they exist, what we'll need to learn is that intense emotions should not rule us, but they should also never be dismissed, ridiculed or treated with contempt. Autistic children need help learning to exit a situation when they are intensely impacted, or to remove themselves from a source of extreme intensity. If we can understand underlying principles and social systems, even better. In fact, the more we learn about psychology and the science of things, add how to protect ourselves, the less often we're feeling trapped in situations we cannot understand, and the intensity is usually a compounding of unrelenting, continual problems. 

The monotropic brain is easily lost in a moment or swept up into the quest, question, the task, it's hard to snap out of a thing as we lose time in a hyper-focus mode. Eternal is the moment. 4 seconds become 4 hours in a flash. And when all of life is a struggle coupled with a desperate need for resolution, the appearance of being driven is also what can keep us up all night solving something which might benefit everyone. So it has potential. 

As my son got older I was able to add in, "don't take away my purpose!" with a dash of charm - in other words, as a mum, I only have one job, to help you succeed. But I also found allowing him to do things which made him feel purposeful or 'manly' became important like - actually bringing in ALL the groceries in one go. LOL Offering to help, and allowing him to refuse, was affording him his small "wins".