Burnout - 12 year old son

Hi my son is 11 and I can relate to what you are saying, he was at school however I think he struggled.  The school holidays have been very challenging, we have allowed him to have much more screen time than usual, and he has done activities and clubs or met friends on other days.  On the days that nothing is scheduled, he can spend hours going from his phone to the tv to the iPad, from the time he wakes to the time he goes to sleep.  He doesn't have a tv in his room and isn't allowed devices in his bedroom at night.  He starts secondary school on Tuesday & I am worried about how he will make the transition.  I know a routine works much better for him or having something else to concentrate on.  Before he was allowed screens, he would spend all his time reading.  I went to see a support worker for the first time today & my son has also been referred to CAHMS although the waiting times are long.  He had a private assessment but didn't meet the threshold for an autism diagnosis, but shows signs of PDA which has become increasingly difficult over the summer holidays.  I cannot communicate with him as he is on a  screen all day, he wants to talk at night when I am exhuasted and have very little compassion after being shouted and sworn at all day.  He refused to come to the appointment with me today, my husband and I went.  

Today I have hidden remote controls and phone/ipad chargers & said he can have them back after we've had a conversation but he's not willing to.  I'm worried that things will get worse and I don't know when to put my foot down & stand my ground or when to back off and leave him alone.  We've tried all approaches and neither seem to work - except when we leave him be, there are no arguments or upsets.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, I know how difficult it is.  See you GP - keep a record of daily events and hopefully they can refer you for some support.

Just adding to what Iain said that sometimes depression and burnout look similar and/or can manifest at the same time. I spent much of my life from age sixteen onwards struggling with burnout and often depression too; it's not always clear where one ended and the other began.

I think you're right that the computer/phone is his social outlet and he needs it.

Therapy might help, but I'm not sure the NHS will be willing/able to meet his needs. And sadly many GPs are unaware of autistic burnout (it's only just being accepted in the medical community). Is private therapy an option? You really need someone who knows how to deal with an autistic pre-teen.

He may not want to see a GP or therapist, particularly if he has PDA. I would suggest mentioning it lightly and letting him know it's on the table, but don't push it too hard.

I'm sorry I don't have more constructive to say. I hope this helps a bit. I think he needs time to recover as much as anything, particularly if he feels "different" for being home schooled.

Does he have any areas on interest you could try to get him to use as motivation?

It could be trains, computers, games etc - there are ways we can try to use these to help focus his energies and build more structured learning from it.

Not overstepping at all.  I was so surprised when I read up on Home Education just how different from school it actually is.  He can still get qualifications in whatever he wants.  Once he know what path he would like his life to take from a work point of view then he can see what he need for that job and then study for it.  It turns out that home ed you learn a lot quicker as you don't have 40 other kids all trying to learn it at the same time.

NAS77247 said:

So he basically chooses his interests and then decides how he wishes to learn it and we find a way.

I thought you had to follow the national cirriculum fo home education but it turns out I was wrong:

https://www.gov.uk/home-education

You must make sure your child receives a full-time education from the age of 5, but you do not have to follow the national curriculum.

You learn something new every day!

I think the lack of structure may be an issue, but without knowing him this will be hard to estimate. Definately a job for a therapist who may also be able to work on a structured plan with you both.

There is scope to teach him a lot of very useful life skills this way - do you have anyone who could mentor him and maybe give him a part time job to give skills that will be of use when he has to face the outside world?

I suspect a basic set of qualifications will be useful to stop him being disadvantaged when he gets to employment age - have you considered what you want to do around this yet?

Apologies if I'm overstepping here - feel free to ignore my questions.

Thank you. This is helpful.

I'll add that I don't teach him.  I'm not a teacher.  I just facilitate learning.  So he basically chooses his interests and then decides how he wishes to learn it and we find a way.  He does a lot of group learning and we have socialised through the home ed groups.  I work full time so certainly don't teach him anything. 

NAS77247 said:

Could this be Autistic Burnout?

It sounds more like depression.

In spite of the home education releiving the school pressures, he will now feel more cut off from his friends in school who would have been part of his support network. He may also be feeling more of a weirdo in having to be educated by his mum - at 12 years old that is a thing I recall (embarassment at being around your parents).

Your GP may be able to help if you can persuade your son to go, but I would detail his behaviours in a jornal to take as proof to the doctor otherwise it will be a bit "he said, she said" in the discussion.

For his sleeping patterns I would consider laying down some rules and enforcing a internet disconnect overnight by unlugging the router if you have to, or just disableing the connections if you are familiar with the admin interface on the router.

For many, a routine will bring structure and a sense or order to help them build themselves back up from. He has had a lot of changes this year (which are had for most autists to handle) and these are probably adding to his burnout / depression.

With the school year starting I would recommend enforcing a routine, maybe confiscating his phone overnight and if he does not engage, then speaking with a therapist to try to get to be root of the issues affecting him. The therapist may recommend antidepressants but you need to speak to your GP about these before they will consider prescribing them.

It won't be an easy fix so professional help will be important.

Good luck.