Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
my son is 15 and doing GCSEs next year; he got a late ASD diagnosis last year (a result of not being picked up at school despite our flagging things up and Camhs being totally oversubscribed which I'm sure is familiar to everyone). He masks a lot of the time and as he has very high targets at school he's fallen through the net. Over the past 2 years he has fallen significantly behind and he has stopped engaging with school. He does attend, though he's late every day and has a lot of sick days. He's just about to start end of year exams, and has done no work at all. I've started the process with the SENCO to get him an EHCP, but this will be too late to implement much before exams and the school have been helpful about putting some help in place in the meantime, but this is only just starting. He's getting some learning support to help him with planning and revision which is his main problem. I think he is presenting his best face at school, but in practice not doing any of the things he's being encouraged to do. He is extremely demand avoidant at home and if we even say the word 'school' or 'homework' he accuses us of berating him. He's finally got some support from CAMHS after a 2 year wait as his moods have been very erratic.
I feel like I"m spending most of my time trying to access support for him, but when it's offered he doesn't engage with it and he has basically given up.
I know much of this is due to anxiety and processing problems but I am tearing my hair out; he's very bright and we're anticipating him not being able to take his GCSEs. Does any one have any experience of this, or ideas about how to get him to engage with his school work without too much conflict, which is what seems to happen every time we try to talk about it. I know he can resit his GCSEs but I really worry about it, as he's very well developed and will be completely out of step with the other kids in his class. He's in a mainstream school.
I know what should be happening: supporting him with organisation, telling him we love him, which we do, and not making too big a deal out of exams (we try) but none of this works as he won't accept our help at all. As anticipated, an exam period has led to real volatility and then conflict at home as he's ground to a halt.
Should we just accept that the he can't do and let him fail? this feels very hard to do.
Thank you for this; it's very good to hear from someone with such similar issues going on. Our sons sound very similar and your strategy to not push it seems like the one we really need to use at home to reduce anxiety as much as possible, which makes him shut down altogether. The school has, despite being very late to listen to our concerns, started to take things more seriously since we've finally got an EP report, and have offered some TLA support with homework and planning, which is really challenging for him. Like yours, our son finds schoolwork at home very difficult.
I'm going to ask if they can offer a similar technique for us; it's a great idea. I was doing better for a while at working around direct demands but as I get more anxious about him falling behind seem to get worse at the strategies, so this is a really good reminder that it works and is better for both of us.
It's interesting to hear that your son dropped a subject, as I think we'll probably drop a subject as well - it's very difficult to fit in learning support without doing it, and just adds to the demands. My son just won't engage with something he's got no interest in or a teacher he doesn't like, so it's probably better to focus.
I really hope that your son gets through it as well as he can with the right support; I do feel GCSEs are particularly awful as there are so many subjects and teachers and so much organisation required, which really doesn't play to the strengths of children like ours. Hopefully whatever lies beyond will be more engaging and happy for them.
My son is the same age and currently in the middle of exams. Although primary school did not see his autism, after a lot of work from us he got a diagnosis the day school finished for lockdown. He does have an EHCP after again a lot of work, so he has been able to take exams in a small room. This was a relief for us because when offered that last year he rejected it saying he preferred to be in large room so he didn't look different.
I can see many similarities in your situation. My son is demand avoidant so every bit of advice has to be phrased in a way it sounds like a suggestion which does not always work, but he may decide it is wise later. I try my best to find ways he thinks he has made a decision.
My son has had a lot of problems with attendance and sick days due to anxiety. The pandemic did not help and after that he would often miss days or go in late. He lost a lot of learning time during lockdowns as studying for him did not really work from home. It was a rare thing for to do a whole week until this term, because some of his peers drop by so he has a group to enter school with. He also had problems with demands of different subjects and in the end he has dropped one and studies in Learning Support at that time.
We are in regular contact with staff and particularly SENCO who has agreed on various tweeks of the uniform because sensitivity was causing problems with attendance. We have had many agreements on adjustments and most of them he has rejected for fear of being obvious. He has rejected cards which give him permission to take a break, yet there have been times when this would have benefitted him. I totally understand your situation there and the frustration. He also doesn't like obvious help, so only really copes with help from staff who can do it in a way where everyone gets plenty of explanation.
He mostly doesn't cope with school at home so revision is very limited and we don't push it. Staff know he may not do homework. Sometimes something which comes from school rather than us is accepted. In one subject which he particularly likes, the teacher sent a practice sheet and answers for us. He was then happy to let us help him with this. In general regarding revision he has done what he can, but we haven't pushed it.
If your son's school are going to help with revision techniques then this maybe the way forward and hopefully he may ask you for help after that. Due to the demand avoidance this seems to be the way it works best. For years my son rejected most help with school work, but occasionally he will allow me to help. When he was doing some Maths revision recently I sat near him doing something else which gave him the opportunity to access help when needed.
I hope your son is able to access some help to do whatever he can cope with.
Asperger's Expert has some info that may help : https://www.aspergerexperts.com/topics/defense-mode/articles/defense-mode-why-they-seem-stuck-shutdown
Thank you for this, it's really valuable to hear your personal experience. I've been thinking about burn out a lot and your advice to focus on his mental health is what I think we need to listen to as well as our relationship with him.
It sounds like you've done really well to get back to education when the time was right for you; the whole system is terrible for people who aren't neurotypical - and for quite a lot who are as you say - it makes for stressed out kids and stressed out parents. Accepting that our son may not make it through exams isn't easy as he's really bright, but probably the best thing we can do for him at this stage as it's not the most important thing as you rightly say.
Thanks again.
TBH sounds like he has burnt out, it's actually not that easy to be stuck in an academic setting most days a year for nearly 3/4 of your life so far at that age for even a neurotypical kid. I had to just tank a lot of my secondary school GSCEs and go back and retake them as a mature student later on but that burn out lasted the better part of a decade, I was made to feel such a failure after my secondary school GCSEs it actually brought me down into a state of depression which just prolonged my retaking them longer.
As an adult autistic person finally in university I realized that those GSCEs are just an opportunity to get them done early, but not the end of the world if they aren't. Failing GCSEs in the rampaging hormone monster years isn't the barrier to later academic success I used to think it was.
In fact I would suggest you do everything to avoid long term damaging effects of depression now while he is still young and his mind is still in the formative years, because trauma in the formative years is a lot harder to overcome later the longer it goes on unchecked. Get him back to being mentally healthy now so he is able to go back to academia later if he needs to, it sounds like the EHCP and such are all a bit too little too late at this stage anyway.