Is this autistic meltdown or am I just unstable

I have been trying to get him to keep to agreements. 

He has a dominant personality it’s overbearing at times and I used to always give in. 

I think he would say no to me if I ask him to sign a contract.  

There has been one instance this week when he has called me nuts for enforcing the rules. I need to keep reminding him that he shouldn’t use language like that to me as it’s hurtful and disrespectful.

I choose not to speak with him for a few days and he did say it wasn’t a good choice of words when I spoke with him again but I am not going to keep reminding him. He’s an adult and shouldnt need to be reminded. 

Thank you for your reply and support. 

Yes it’s helpful to come on here and get Some support and advice. 

Unstable - no! Sounds like this guys is an ex for a reason!

'Big girl pants!' Grrrrrr! Don't get me started on the feminist podium. Seriously, you are trying to keep a nice ordered home for kids who need a nice ordered home and take care of yourself in order to give them what they need.

Then in walks daddy to cause mayhem, and then tell you to chill, while he b****gers off to leave you with over excited kids and the itchy sensory disturbance for you. Grrrrrrrrr!

Maybe he could put 'quiet, calm daddy pants' on and maybe come in for a bit of quiet bath and story time, just to enjoy the kids and give you a break.

Don't take this in board as a reflection of you.

I think your ex is behaving inconsiderately, and I would think that whether you are ND or NT.

Where your children are concerned I think you should set some ground rules.

He should not visit later than say 2 hours before the children's bedtime and he should leave 30 minutes before their bedtime (you need to thrash out the details with him). Explain the consequences of his actions: the children are too excited to settle, they are late getting to bed and to sleep, they are then tired and irritable in the morning and being tired school will be harder for them. Having this strict routine is for their benefit as well as yours. If he cannot fit to the schedule he doesn't come round. (Fridays and Saturdays can be more flexible)

He must not come round in his work clothes, no ifs or buts. If he hasn't changed he doesn't come round. It is your house and you have a right to set the rules.

I also think he should ask you before taking any food or drink. It sounds like he is behaving as if you were still living together. Also he should never stay overnight. Having him stay over sometimes will be confusing to the children.

If I was you, I would write your rules out as a type of "contract" that you both sign. You may like to consider exceptions to your rules: say ill-health or holidays. Then you can say to him "This is what we agreed" and having it written down will assist you to be strong. If you feel it is appropriate you can explain what you have agreed to the children.

You will notice I haven't once mentioned your autistic related issues as I think they are irrelevant - it is all down to his behaviour. It is when he abuses the situation you go into overwhelm. If he behaved with more consideration you wouldn't go into overwhelm and also be left with picking up the pieces.

Hopefully by highlighting how detrimental it is to the children, he will agree to modify his behaviour.

Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry you're feeling like you are. It's a little less confusing when things like this are shared. 

You are welcome. You don't need to accept that kind of lack of respect.

Agreed. 

My thoughts on this are that Aesthetics = Ethics. The NeuroTypical equivalent is: Behaviour is the animation of internal Morals. While neither are exacting logic, I can't quite escape how more external chaos is unhelpful. My head is already a hyper-speed Everything-Is-Connected network of 1. part epic and 2. more chaos than anyone should navigate. 

This matter is about sense-perception and intense impact combined with this chaotic 'happening'. Clean edges, exacting natural space. I have bought scissors. Everything is opened with scissors. I finally got my son out of his fathers habits and what came in clutch is the slightly expensive, perfect pocket knife I spent a great deal of effort and time finding. Who doesn't want a stylish tool to open a box? Sure it's just a thing, but if Manners Maketh Man, then all other aesthetically designed instruments also have this power to curate our being. 

Thanks you for your message of support. 

Yes, I’m glad someone else gets this. I get embarrassed by thinking like this at times but I just don’t understand why a person wouldn’t open something the correct way it is supposed to be opened. 

Thank you, 

It is very disruptive to me and even though the kids maybe happy at the time of the visit it is distributive to them too as it has a knock on effect right through till the morning as then they are cranky in the morning. Which can make the morning routine more of a battle than it would have been if they had enough sleep. 

Wow that's REALLY unhelpful. 

Lau said:

He rips open a multi pack of Coke Zero and the cans roll out of the fridge onto the floor. The box has perforated edges which means he doesn’t have to rip open the full box. Now the box is ruined.

I feel this. I'm so sorry. Everyone needs to take a geometry class. 

Maybe you're just disorganised?

I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds like a difficult relationship. 

I hope things get better for you

Your overwhelm is legit, what is he doing turining up in the middle of the bed time routine and disrupting everything? He should take responsibility for his own bad parenting decision. He needs to turn up earlier or come on weekends.

We don’t live together anymore. We decided before the country went into lockdown in 2020 that it would be wise to live separate.He bought his own home but He will spend time after work here and then go home, he will sometimes stay at the weekend. He treats my home like it’s his own though. Which is difficult for me.

I enjoy my home when it’s the kids amd I. We have our routines and we all get on reasonably well.

I only have a 2 bedroom house, I would like to have my own space but I share a room with my youngest son so My eldest boy can have his own space.

The two boys could never share a room. It would be a disaster:

thank you for you message of support.

I feel like a lot of my triggers are dismissed as me being moody or completely irrational. I will say I’m feeling really overwhelmed at the moment or this is getting a bit much for me to let people gently know that I’m struggling with the environment or the conversation. My sons dad takes it as some sort of attack and feels that I’m always moaning at him or dismissing him.

I try to be gentle with myself and have low demand days when Im feeling more sensitive. It’s really hard to get him to understand these days are vital in supporting my mental health. 

Once I got both children in there rooms settled and my sons dad had left. I wrote the post on NAS and I just felt so peaceful just being alone with my cat & dog.

Thank you for your message of support. 

No. 

You are not unstable.

Your son's father sounds like a chauvinist oaf at the very least, an utter j**k less mildly.

yeah its often a nuisance having to live with others and put up with others messing things up and disrupting things.

your home if anything for us supposed to be your safe space, your private alone safe space that no one else is allowed into, only you.

but you cant do that in your situation so you dont have that kind of a space for yourself.... if you have a room you could use you could designate it as your own personal space and say no one else is allowed in it, have a key to it so you can lock it so no one disrupts it. make it your own private space. this will probably help and give you a place to chill. would be cool if you have like sound proofing in the room too. 

Hi LAU, I'm really sorry to hear about your difficulties. I'm by no means an expert and also very new to this myself but this does sound like a meltdown to me. I have similar experiences where sometimes I wake up and things are just a little more sensitive than normal. It's always sound for me. I can hear the cars more. People talking is louder and more jumbled. I get frustrated and stressed easier like I'm a little bit on the edge. And, if things start to go wrong, it can lead to me having a meltdown later in the day. This also presents as a lot of uncontrollable crying. 

What I want to add is that whether or not he means it, your son's Dad's comments are hurtful. Your feelings and emotions are valid regardless of whether or not he understands them. 

For a long time I also thought I was mad for seemingly 'going off the rails' for random things, or having disproportionate emotional responses (to an outsider). So you're not alone there. 

Writing out your day like this could help you to identify your triggers. Ultimately, it is ok to act in your self-interest if you need to prevent a meltdown. For example, if you needed to go sod it with dinner ingredients and get a take out instead - or go for a walk when your son's Dad was round to get some peace. 

Here's the link to the NAS guide on meltdowns - https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences 

Go gentle, be kind to yourself, and take care.