Feeling sad after a good day

Confused mother here. This has been an ongoing issue for ages but now school is really good for her and making her happy (they have done a lot to put things in place which are now helping massively). Today hours after she came home from school, she was crying and said its because she feels sad. I asked why and she replied, because I had a good day at school.

She has said in the past that she hates being happy. She says she's always relaxed, chilled and calm rather than happy. Does anyone get this. No one else in the family gets this so hoping someone can give us tips on how to help. Last time she felt like this wasn't too long ago but she was then really low for a couple of weeks. But today she has cheered up and is excited for tomorrow.

  • Hi everyone. Hope you are well. She has just got off the phone with me crying because she had another good day and had her favourite staff. She gets really sad and struggles soo much after a day like this because she's been so happy and felt safe in school. She's now watching her favourite shows eating ice cream. But she is always wobbly at home after days like this. I just don't know how to help. 

  • She's sad because the happiness is heartbreakingly fleeting, she's become used to an emotional status quo and being happy means innevitably at some point she will stop being happy either because it just wears off or something bad happens to ruin it.
    I was an abused child and got so used to things being crap I never trusted it when I had a good day it felt like being led into a false sense of security so that it could be ruined for me, because being traumatised once isn't enough when you live with your abuser (not saying this dynamic is you, just saying I recognise the simillar emotional mechanics behind it. Probably because your daughter is used to school being a daily crap experience. Sorry not pulling punches on the language use here because I'm on my last spoon today.)

  • As an Autistic Adult I sometimes feel drained after some otherwise happy events especially if it has involed having to act normal ( masking?).This is sometimes difficult to distinguish from a feeling of sadness or depression. At such times I now know that the only way to recover is to have quiet time alone but not with my thoughts. This may be going for a walk looking at what is around me to quieten my mind or to lie down and listen to a podcast or read a book. 

    I hope this helps

  • could it be that she is confused with labelling emotions she might think somehow that "happy" means stressful. The sound of the word might be annoying to her.  And she might be somehow thinking that a "good" day is a stressful or not a nice day, but perhaps other children said to her that it was a "good day" and she has taken what they have said and labelled it as a good day as that is what the other children said it was.but for her it was an upsetting day (hence not a good day at all)

  • I have a love-hate relationship with sunny days because in the past I have felt pressurised by myself (no-one else) to make the utmost use out of them, which inversely causes me to cower away from doing anything and then feeling disappointed in myself. I have the learned association with sunny days that they are good per se because everyone including my dad, who probably helped form the opinion, thinks they are. Problem is it spins my mood the other way occasionally, and if I end up accepting doing nothing as a means of relaxing and avoiding the known habit of stressing about what to do on the sunny day, I likely just won't relax because I've let myself down by doing nothing. The example being that good and bad associations can live side by side. 

    Your daughter's sadness could be a similar thing - she could feel pressurised to make the most of the intensely happy day, on the basis that they are valuable and don't come around very often. She might be sad due to acknowledging that it is at an end when she has come home from school. On the other hand, it could just be that she says she is content 'happy' when she is just placid inside, because the actual happy emotion is like a sensory overload, too much emotion to process. Another possibility at play is that she tolerates school and knows how to cope, but the sadness is that when she has a really good day on top of the coping, she knows that coming home will involve ending her one-off day of thoroughly enjoying school. She could be pretty acutely aware of her emotions, just have no idea of explaining why they are there. It does make sense to want to figure them out as it might help you find the thread of how to make things easier for her by perhaps connecting. 

    It's good that she has cheered up. It's hard not knowing why as I suppose you want to 'bottle' the why as a magic potion!  

    Just thought I'd lend my thoughts. Take a pinch of salt though and use your judgement on what I've put. I hate sticking my head above the parapet!