Published on 12, July, 2020
My names Phil my son Charlie is 13 and autistic. Lately his meltdowns have become very extreme and violent both physically and verbally. He smashes up the house and try’s to hurt me. As a family we are normally quite good at not letting him get too wound up before it’s too late but on some occasions unfortunately he gets past the point of no return. How the neighbours haven’t called the police I have no idea!?
Charlie when calm is very loving and polite but when he loses his temper he is the complete opposite. It breaks mine and my wife’s heart to see him so upset.
Any advice would be hugely appreciated!
Thanks
Good evening. I'm Number.
13 year old kids, autistic or not, can be.....how are we supposed to express these things these days....."challenging"!
I have intimate vicarious experience of the matters you describe above, and a pretty robust generalised understanding of smaller humans. I am also blessed and cursed by Auti thinking myself.
For what its worth - the first thing I would say is...........SET YOUR RED LINE NOW !
Don't wait for the neighbours to call the police - YOU do it if you feel it is a necessary thing to be done. Honestly.
It is your sole preserve to determine where that red line is drawn and how you want to define it.
Personally, my red line is.....small human is not allowed to physically injure anyone.
When you have decided on your red line, it is really important that your son understands what it is, why you have it......and most importantly, what WILL happen if he crosses it.
Please notice that I say important that your son UNDERSTANDS what it is - this is not the same as you explaining it to him.
Please notice that I say "important that your son UNDERSTANDS why you have it - this is not the same as you explaining it to him.
Please notice, that I say "important that you son UNDERSTANDS what *WILL* happen if he crosses it.
That is my best advice for you. Hopefully better people on these pages will be able to give you less autistic advice !!
Who says that us Auti's don't have a sense of ironic humour.
Seriously though - remember that 13 year old sons rapidly become bigger, stronger and more........"challenging" when they reach 16,17, 18 so it is really important that the RED LINES are drawn ASAP.
I wish you Godspeed.
Thanks so much Number for taking the time to reply. That all makes good sense and I will draw that RED LINE from now on, as for the punishment… this is where I struggle really. He is still very attached to his soft toys so I could say they will be removed if he becomes violent, the trouble is they are also like his comfort so I’m inclined not to do that. Would you say that’s a good idea from an ‘Auti’ point of view?
Also him understanding what will happen which as you pointed out isn’t the same as me explaining it to him, I guess by that you mean he will understand once the punishment has happened a couple of times?
My wife is an undiagnosed Auti and really struggles/clashes with Charlie, which means I shoulder most of his bad behaviour.
Thanks again Number, huge appreciation
Phil
I am a very private number so I really do not want to say too much here, but I suspect you already have an appropriate assessment of my insight into this matter - a multifaceted one.
The following is intended with love to you and your son and please be assured I don't mean it with the bluntness that it may hit you with. I'm not trying to scare you.
If you are at this stage now (age 13) then within 3 years, the police will have been called - no matter how expertly and caringly you handle your current pressures. This is not a 100% certainty, but is reasonably and foreseeably a 90% probability. It is likely to be REALLY hard for you AND your son in a few years. Accordingly, prepare for this now. Make sure your son knows that you guys are serious about keeping both him and you both safe. No nonsense. RED LINES are essential. Not what they are - but the fact that they are present AND WILL BE ACTED UPON. I cannot stress this last point enough. Whatever you decide upon, you ABSOLUTELY MUST then follow through.
I don't want to become embroiled into giving very specific advice about very specific points that I am simply too ill-informed enough about to proffer any safe or appropriate advice upon.
However, I can say that, in general, and in my opinion - based solely on intimate vicarious experience - all the adults that I know whom have travelled the road that you are currently upon, would now say something like "burn the toys, cut their heads off" and such like..........but they also, without exception, at the time their small human was 13 years old and acting out, would have said "oh no, it would be counter productive or dangerous to do such a heinous act - it's too much."
I think that's enough - except to say, "hope for the best and prepare for the [holy Jesus, REALLY!]"
I hope you understand. Again, I sincerely wish you all the best of cordial family growing pains.