My son hates school and it’s affecting his mental health

I have been attending a group run by Pinpoint in Cambridgeshire. They do a Friday morning Tii Chat on Zoom. It ios supposed to be just for Cambridgeshire but I strongly recommend that any parent struggling with school refusal etc attend. YOu will find many others who have been or are going though the same situation. It is a charity and I can vouch for it being quite safe It is where I felt safe enough to announce my own realisation that I am Autistic. 

It sounds like you are in a really difficult place and no doubt exhausted and in despair! I’m not surprised your son is full of anxiety and unable to make it in. I have weeks where my son can’t go in. I’m hoping they will lessen with the new hours!!

I know I keep banging on about them but Sunshine Support can really help. They are very responsive on their Facebook page and also have a contact form to arrange a call with them: 

https://sunshine-support.org/advice-and-support/#

I have signed up to their Children’s Attendance Strike on 29 September to try and help draw attention to the issues our children have in their day to day lives. 

Thankyou so much for the all the information. That’s great, let me know how you get on with the part time and the classroom changes. The school have offered my son ear defenders but he says they don’t work so I’m just trying to find the right ones to buy for him, hopefully this wknd. 

My son got suspended on Monday for 2 days and was meant to be back in on Wednesday but he hasn’t gone back yet as he is so anxious and have not got a good feeling about tomorrow either.  It’s just so hard. The school just don’t know what to do, they are at a loss. I asked if he could do his work in another room because he says the classroom is too noisy and just too much for him. Said they can’t do that because they don’t have the staff, which I get. They give him the option to sit at a table outside of the classroom to do his work but he doesn’t like using this. And I kinda get it. Why would you want to sit just out side of the classroom with the door open knowing all the other children know your there and can see you and still hear all your class mates. Obviously he doesn’t want to feel different to all his other class mates. He’s  clearly struggling so I also get why he would like to do his work in another room altogether with no distraction and less noise. He doesn’t like that there is too much noise, too much people. I think he hates the environmental of the class room all together.  Hopefully if I get the right noise cancelling earbuds, that might help him. 

My son also hates it when they stop them playing football as he doesn't know what to do. I hope for his sake they come up with something. 

I also wish you well with the EHCP. 

He is in year 5 so hopefully get one sorted before high school. 

It’s nice to hear that someone gets it. He already has calm time on a morning either choosing a friend to play football with or in an office. He’s had a visual time table, zones of regulation, and use of laptop, check ins. He always says that it’s too noisy and he can’t concentrate on his work, that’s why he wants to be home schooled. The teachers have offered him ear defenders but he still says they don’t work. He loves football, that’s his passion but now the school have stopped football at lunch times for the past 3 weeks because of the children misbehaving. So he is really not happy about it. Says what is he going to do now at lunch times. To be honest I don’t think they know. I’ve just got to be patient with him but it’s hard when you feel helpless 

My son also had a suspension for reacting to something done to him, so I understand the frustration for a child who finds it difficult to get into school. 

Are you able to speak to the SENCO to discuss some adjustments to help him get back?

Having an EHCP in Secondary School has been important as we have regular contact with SENCO. Not sure if he goes up this year or next, but worth aiming for EHCP by Secondary if possible and it gives more choice of school when he goes up.

Thankyou. My son has being struggling for years now and on Monday he got suspended from school for 2 days. He was pushing his table forward, then sat back down and misjudged his chair, fell back on the floor and hit his head. He said all the children were laughing at him and thought a boy had moved it on purpose. He went into full meltdown. Walked out of the classroom, started throwing things in an other room then walked back In the  classroom and threw a water bottle where 3 boys were standing, it hit the wall then bounced back and hit the boy in the face. Luckily the boy is ok. He now refused to go to school today and have no idea how I’m going to get him back in. I understand this behaviour is unacceptable and have put consequences in place but I just feel awful for my son to be in that state where he can’t re regulate himself. The head teacher said he definitely needs an ehcp and I have emailed camhs again 

Further to my previous message about the webinar with Sunshine Support (I learned so much), I had a meeting with the SENCO and Head of my son’s school..

His hours have been reduced to part-time to allow him to fully decompress at the end of each day (I pick him up at lunchtime). They have agreed to make the classroom more inclusive and take down busy displays. They will open windows when the classroom gets too stuffy and have provided fidget toys and ear defenders. This has to be under review for the local authority, but this just means that we have to have regular meetings. It does NOT mean that they can change his hours back to full-time unless there is a miracle cure for ASD. 

I also learned:

If child has 15 days off in a single term (doesn’t have to be consecutive) then you can request that the school organise a tutor for them. 

SEN code of practice is not always in line with the law, so fact check anything that you disagree with

The school should make adjustments to allow the child to cope at school, the parent should not be asked what THEY can do to get the child into school - we are not to be blamed for absences

EHCP - the school does not need to assess the child for 2 terms in order to make the application, The child has or may have special educational needs and whether they may need a special education plan - if the answer is yes to both then they can apply. 

if you are unable to do any webinars then they are worth a follow on Facebook as they post loads of helpful info and it’s all inline with the law. 

I disliked all the schools I attended, to a different degree and for different reasons.

University was different again, I felt at ease and at peace.

We got an EHCP for my son before he was diagnosed, although did have to go through tribunal. It is worth starting on it and keeping notes so you have plenty of evidence.

This article just opens your eyes. And gives you more of an Insight on their daily struggles. It’s heartbreaking really.  

I honestly think I would find homeschooling him so stressful. That’s why it would be the last resort so I’m tying everything I can to help get him the support he needs. 

It is very stressful. You just don’t know what day your going to get! 

Thankyou. I Will have a look. 

Thankyou for your reply. He suffers massively with anxiety. 

We are still waiting for an assessment but it’s taking so long. He need a ehcp but be easier to get one when he has being assessed. I do want him to continue going to school, just wish they were more adapted for his needs. 

I totally agree. They just don’t know how to deal with him. And he clearly can’t cope with how things are now.

I know. I don’t think he will ever like school. 

Thankyou so much for your reply. It’s so hard isn’t it.  School are trying everything they can do for him but nothing seems to be working. Everyday is a struggle for him. And the waiting list for an assessment is so long.