I don't know how to help my daughter

I think it's really commendable that you have responded to the advice offered here in a selfless way. I haven't been on the forum for very long but I've noticed that some neurotypical parents who post requests for help are (rightly) given short shrift by the members; this is likely due to those parents apparently being much more concerned for *themselves* rather than their children. Thankfully, you have displayed a far better attitude, and that's a credit to you. 

• Hi thanks everyone for replies i am taking on board everything that has been said and also tbrough this site i have learned a lot more.  I wasn't aware that there was such thing as masking and your right i felt as if ever since she was told that she has asd it's as if the mask has come off and she is letting herself be more herself.  I couldn't understand why it was only me she talked to in what seemed an angry and disrepectful way but now i think she is more comfortable being herself with me and doesn't see the need to hide her true self and i am taking that as a positve.  We had a situation on boxing day where she didn't want to travel in the car to go spend time wirh my older daughter,.  When asked why it was because it was too full (presents food etc) so instead of getting frustrated and upset i just asked her what she wanted to do and she said she would get the bus which she did arrived a bit later than everyone else but was hapoy and no drama so we are learning   Someone made the comment that she was on her own but she is not.  She has a small group of like minded friends and a very supportive family who are trying to navigate this with her the best way we can with limited support, finding this site and just getting your comments has helped immensely already.  I am encouraging my daughter to also access support networks but as yet she seems unwilling and i won't push as i was told about demand avoidance at her initial appiintments (in hindsight that made a lot of sense to some of her past hehaviour). 

That is an excellent suggestion:)

Hi, I was recently diagnosed as autistic (at age 25) and whilst it was helpful to find out and mostly positive, it was also extremely confusing and unsettling - so I think it’s not surprising that your daughter may be struggling more since starting the diagnostic process- I felt less able to deal with some situations that I previously would have felt obliged to cope with (eg.meeting people, eating socially, social situations etc) and I think it was because I felt like I didn’t have to push myself so hard to ‘appear normal ´ anymore and felt like I now had a more legitimate reason to not engage. So maybe your daughter always struggled with Christmas but only now felt like she could opt out? Pushing yourself to try and fit in and participate for years can be so exhausting . I often wondered why I found it so hard when other people seemed to enjoy things like social situations. Realising you are autistic can be very confusing so it’s not surprising if for a while things fall apart a bit. 

You mention « can't tell what is the autism and what is just normal teenage behaviour » - I personally feel like it is not helpful to think of autism in this way. Being autistic is an integral part of your daughter’s identity- it’s not a disease or disorder (at least that’s how I think of it) and whilst it is true that mental health issues are more prevalent amongst autistic people i feel like a large part of it comes from not being aware of being autistic and trying so hard to fit into a world that is not designed for us.

there was actually a lot of friction between my mum and I from when I was about 19 or so until a year ago. We were extremely close before this. There were various reasons for this but in the end we found together again. Try not to take it personally- it sounds like you are doing the right thing.
hopefully with time it will improve.

do you think it might help your daughter to connect to people on this forum? It helped me a lot to do so. 

Firstly please don't take this the wrong way but it's coming across as you being the one in the wrong here..let me explain...when someone with asd doesn't talk or when they do  say something and it may be  nasty etc..bear in mind that 1. There processing of language ie hearing it AND speaking it is totally different to yours and mine for example pathways in the brain for neuro typical ie people with out  asd hear someone speak or reply to it in a way that it travels on pathways in brain and goes simply from A to B simple job done messages received  and understood BUT with asd brain the message goes like this ..from Z to B back To A then maybe another whiz round in opp direction before the processing of that even begins..so your child is 1. Struggling to process it and then 2. Can't speak back to reply when they have...or just doesnt talk is same reason due to pathway...also please be aware that when someone with asd says something that may come across as nasty or just totally ignoring your feelings etc but this Is NOT what is going on... what IS going on is that in there tool box of options to reply to you they may just have only one tool and that one tool maybe to reply in that same  manner so for example if you asked them do they like jam they would reply that way as soon as if you asked them something different ie what's your favourite book ? Because they only have one way they do not have tools like you to talk to you compared to them have a full tool box of options and this is not because they are stupid in fact far from it  they have far more going on than you do but yes they will not have any of the tools you have for communicating in the way you do is about the pathways and the processing She probably would love to communicate with you about her favourite book but in her way..which you don't know how to do. .also it is upsetting for them as how would you feel when everyone around you has no trouble with it but only you do it makes you feel like an idiot..also are you aware that the very fact of being diagnosed is a bombshell not only for her but for whole family so there are likely underlying tensions in the whole house and be aware for example science recently showed that they have a 100 times more nerve endings in there spine than you or i do and this is only one thing the whole body brain is operating most likely on a far more advanced level than yours..you canot possibly know the likely hell she is going through so please take some time to educate yourself your daughter os not just an awfull person..and more than anything she needs your love and support and yes you do need to give her more help than others and yes you do have to sacrifice yourself but will you get it back,? ..yes.. but maybe not in the way you want or expect but you will get it back...please take the time to educate yourself about autism as although not obvious and in your face like a disability like having no legs for example..asd people can be just as crippled its just you can't see it because it is NEUROLOGICAL. Otherwise if you don't come around to there world and stay in your own its like your saying what's wrong with that man he should have been up that mountain by now..when he's got no legs. Find ways to communicate on her terms..what is she reading? If she played an instrument you could play one with her for example. Etc try to get to know her..she may also I have a feeling be feeling like she is very very sad that she has upset everyone.. just because she doesn't show it doesn't mean she isn't feeling those emotions. Also girls are far more likely to be having a horrendously time due to the fact that females have much more nuanced subtleties in there communication and very often people who are asd female prefer male friends as males as they are not so nuanced they're more blunt so she is probably having he'll of a time.with her female friend's who are likely neuro typical..poor girl is on her own.