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I don't know how to help my daughter

NAS84019

My 17 year old daughter has recently begun the process of officially being diagnosed with autism (what was initially called aspergers). Since she was initially told she was on the spectrum her behaviour has severely deteriorated to the point where she refuses to spend time in the same house as her younger sibling, refuses to help around the house,  won't get out of bed and today she has ruined christmas by refusing to spend time with us and spent the  whole time in her bedroom.  She seems to have a particular problem with me, her mum, and can't talk to me in a civil manner and seems to take everything i say as an insult.  I understand she has issues that stem from her autism and have been the parent who has fought to get her diagnosed and getting her help with her mental health issues but just seem at a loss on how to deal with her anymore as i can't tell what is the autism and what is just normal teenage behaviour.  We just seem to be at loggerheads all the time and i am frightened i am losing her because i am not dealing with things as i should and i just feel lost and alone and at my wits end.

Parents

  • Hi, I was recently diagnosed as autistic (at age 25) and whilst it was helpful to find out and mostly positive, it was also extremely confusing and unsettling - so I think it’s not surprising that your daughter may be struggling more since starting the diagnostic process- I felt less able to deal with some situations that I previously would have felt obliged to cope with (eg.meeting people, eating socially, social situations etc) and I think it was because I felt like I didn’t have to push myself so hard to ‘appear normal ´ anymore and felt like I now had a more legitimate reason to not engage. So maybe your daughter always struggled with Christmas but only now felt like she could opt out? Pushing yourself to try and fit in and participate for years can be so exhausting . I often wondered why I found it so hard when other people seemed to enjoy things like social situations. Realising you are autistic can be very confusing so it’s not surprising if for a while things fall apart a bit. 


    You mention « can't tell what is the autism and what is just normal teenage behaviour » - I personally feel like it is not helpful to think of autism in this way. Being autistic is an integral part of your daughter’s identity- it’s not a disease or disorder (at least that’s how I think of it) and whilst it is true that mental health issues are more prevalent amongst autistic people i feel like a large part of it comes from not being aware of being autistic and trying so hard to fit into a world that is not designed for us.

    there was actually a lot of friction between my mum and I from when I was about 19 or so until a year ago. We were extremely close before this. There were various reasons for this but in the end we found together again. Try not to take it personally- it sounds like you are doing the right thing.
    hopefully with time it will improve.

    do you think it might help your daughter to connect to people on this forum? It helped me a lot to do so. 


Reply

  • Hi, I was recently diagnosed as autistic (at age 25) and whilst it was helpful to find out and mostly positive, it was also extremely confusing and unsettling - so I think it’s not surprising that your daughter may be struggling more since starting the diagnostic process- I felt less able to deal with some situations that I previously would have felt obliged to cope with (eg.meeting people, eating socially, social situations etc) and I think it was because I felt like I didn’t have to push myself so hard to ‘appear normal ´ anymore and felt like I now had a more legitimate reason to not engage. So maybe your daughter always struggled with Christmas but only now felt like she could opt out? Pushing yourself to try and fit in and participate for years can be so exhausting . I often wondered why I found it so hard when other people seemed to enjoy things like social situations. Realising you are autistic can be very confusing so it’s not surprising if for a while things fall apart a bit. 


    You mention « can't tell what is the autism and what is just normal teenage behaviour » - I personally feel like it is not helpful to think of autism in this way. Being autistic is an integral part of your daughter’s identity- it’s not a disease or disorder (at least that’s how I think of it) and whilst it is true that mental health issues are more prevalent amongst autistic people i feel like a large part of it comes from not being aware of being autistic and trying so hard to fit into a world that is not designed for us.

    there was actually a lot of friction between my mum and I from when I was about 19 or so until a year ago. We were extremely close before this. There were various reasons for this but in the end we found together again. Try not to take it personally- it sounds like you are doing the right thing.
    hopefully with time it will improve.

    do you think it might help your daughter to connect to people on this forum? It helped me a lot to do so. 


Children