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I don't know how to help my daughter

NAS84019

My 17 year old daughter has recently begun the process of officially being diagnosed with autism (what was initially called aspergers). Since she was initially told she was on the spectrum her behaviour has severely deteriorated to the point where she refuses to spend time in the same house as her younger sibling, refuses to help around the house,  won't get out of bed and today she has ruined christmas by refusing to spend time with us and spent the  whole time in her bedroom.  She seems to have a particular problem with me, her mum, and can't talk to me in a civil manner and seems to take everything i say as an insult.  I understand she has issues that stem from her autism and have been the parent who has fought to get her diagnosed and getting her help with her mental health issues but just seem at a loss on how to deal with her anymore as i can't tell what is the autism and what is just normal teenage behaviour.  We just seem to be at loggerheads all the time and i am frightened i am losing her because i am not dealing with things as i should and i just feel lost and alone and at my wits end.

Parents
    • Hi thanks everyone for replies i am taking on board everything that has been said and also tbrough this site i have learned a lot more.  I wasn't aware that there was such thing as masking and your right i felt as if ever since she was told that she has asd it's as if the mask has come off and she is letting herself be more herself.  I couldn't understand why it was only me she talked to in what seemed an angry and disrepectful way but now i think she is more comfortable being herself with me and doesn't see the need to hide her true self and i am taking that as a positve.  We had a situation on boxing day where she didn't want to travel in the car to go spend time wirh my older daughter,.  When asked why it was because it was too full (presents food etc) so instead of getting frustrated and upset i just asked her what she wanted to do and she said she would get the bus which she did arrived a bit later than everyone else but was hapoy and no drama so we are learning   Someone made the comment that she was on her own but she is not.  She has a small group of like minded friends and a very supportive family who are trying to navigate this with her the best way we can with limited support, finding this site and just getting your comments has helped immensely already.  I am encouraging my daughter to also access support networks but as yet she seems unwilling and i won't push as i was told about demand avoidance at her initial appiintments (in hindsight that made a lot of sense to some of her past hehaviour). 
Reply
    • Hi thanks everyone for replies i am taking on board everything that has been said and also tbrough this site i have learned a lot more.  I wasn't aware that there was such thing as masking and your right i felt as if ever since she was told that she has asd it's as if the mask has come off and she is letting herself be more herself.  I couldn't understand why it was only me she talked to in what seemed an angry and disrepectful way but now i think she is more comfortable being herself with me and doesn't see the need to hide her true self and i am taking that as a positve.  We had a situation on boxing day where she didn't want to travel in the car to go spend time wirh my older daughter,.  When asked why it was because it was too full (presents food etc) so instead of getting frustrated and upset i just asked her what she wanted to do and she said she would get the bus which she did arrived a bit later than everyone else but was hapoy and no drama so we are learning   Someone made the comment that she was on her own but she is not.  She has a small group of like minded friends and a very supportive family who are trying to navigate this with her the best way we can with limited support, finding this site and just getting your comments has helped immensely already.  I am encouraging my daughter to also access support networks but as yet she seems unwilling and i won't push as i was told about demand avoidance at her initial appiintments (in hindsight that made a lot of sense to some of her past hehaviour). 
Children
  • in reply to NAS84019

    I think it's really commendable that you have responded to the advice offered here in a selfless way. I haven't been on the forum for very long but I've noticed that some neurotypical parents who post requests for help are (rightly) given short shrift by the members; this is likely due to those parents apparently being much more concerned for *themselves* rather than their children. Thankfully, you have displayed a far better attitude, and that's a credit to you. Slight smile