Discipline

My son will say things that suggest he thinks he is in charge. We often have to explain how things work. This can be due to a need to feel in control, thus reducing anxiety. Where possible giving choices or mentioning things in a way that do not sound like an order  helps here.

He has had to learn that questioning something may not be appropriate in school. We have also asked them to explain any sanctions. Regarding shouting, my son perceives giving an instruction as shouting.

When you are out if it is difficult, when my son was younger and he was struggling I used to say out loud about being sorry things were difficult, so others would know. I also changed things I did like having shopping delivered to reduce the stress or went early for clothes shopping which made it easier for him.

Hi

Looking back on my childhood I can tell I've always needed explanation, once in every case, especially in thiings socially related, and asking ''Why?'' didn't always work, but I couldn't say more at that time.

I fear the problem here is he may be asking for fundamental ethics, psychology or physics but not know how to ask the right question to get the help he needs to understand How a social structure works.

Autistic children tend to be more in-tune with environmental factors rather than social. So, it can take a deeper level of knowledge to help explain the inner workings of social exchange to them when it comes to daily function in society. This may mean a bit more web searches or a trip to the library. 

When I hear you say 'answer back', I think you might be implying that you're giving him a command/order which he hears as a request. Most likely he's trying to make sense of what is required assuming there is a negotiation. There can be times where we literally don't understand the difference between being asked vs being told. 

I recall being 9 and my mother insisted I wear a dress to church. Being 9 and not having clarity or years of experience understanding that dresses weren't helpful for playing on the playground, I asked why. She had the best answer she could find something about dressing our best for G-d. Of course, being autistic this didn't make practical sense. I responded that G-d doesn't need me to dress up, He sees me every day. She thought I was being deliberately rebellious and no more discussion would be had. But had she simply told me that her reputation was on the line and what other women thought about how she dressed her children gave her crumbling anxiety, I would've respected that answer much more. But I'm not sure even she was aware of the psychology behind it. And sometimes that's the clarity we as young autistics need, because we're really trying to problem solve a riddle, and even if it's not something we'd like to do, matters of sad realistic life can help us understand how to help. 

If you have some specifics, perhaps some of the autistic adults can help you better communicate or articulate your expectations and understand his limits. It's always good to never interrupt, but also to assign time frames to situations. If kids seem to have a difficulty with a task, do it with them to show them how you like a thing done until they push you away and assume command of that particular chore. And then being mindful about doing things one-thing-at-a-time can be crucial if not for measures of safety. 

I think there's some good ideas here, but I wouldn't have understood the marble concept. It would just be one more example of a mother who didn't bother to understand me using an aesthetic to reinforce that distance between us unfortunately. 

My father (they divorced when I was young), being most likely autistic, would never ask us to do overwhelming tasks and wouldn't interrupt, but he would say, "when you have a minute, I'd like you to come downstairs and do X". And if we didn't want to, he'd follow it up with sympathy and understanding and also that sometimes we have to do boring grown up tasks we don't like. When young, he'd always offer to help. And he'd let us do a thing on our time given a time frame. 

An ideal thing to do is help him ask the right questions. Find out what he's having trouble with and help him express that better. Allow open discussion and you may find you won't have to discipline him. 

Hiya,

Sorry you are struggling at the moment. Please don't blame your parenting, doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong.

Feeling judged by others is pretty common when you have a child with autism. you could get him a lanyard which says he is autistic (only if he would like to wear it), this is definitely not something which you should feel you have to do. Only do it if it makes you feel more comfortable. Everyone should keep their opinions to themselves, but society isn't like that, so i understand why you feel judged.

sounds silly but have you tried something like a marble jar. adding marbles in when he does something right and then if he talks back then you can take one out. explain that to him first. then he can have a visual aid to what you are trying to say. and then he can have a treat when the jar is full?

Also, you mentioned that he finds school hard. that might be the reason behind his behaviour. 

Has he tried noise cancelling headphones? do they help at all? sounds like he has issues with his senses. maybe discuss with his school about wearing them in class when they are getting on with independent work so that he doesn't feel like people are 'shouting'.

Alisha xx

P.S. feel free to pop me a private message if you ever want to chat