Rudeness and not listening to instructions

Wow, thank you all for taking the time to reply. I appreciate all your advice and will definitely keep it in mind. Thank you for the fresh outlook on this difficult time!

Oh yes I have trouble hearing if my attention isn’t gained first. I usually miss the first half of a sentence but if I say pardon? it’s always the last word that gets repeated back, but that’s the only one I definitely heard properly

Just reading Juniper from Gallifreys reply and it reminded me of a couple more things. My son has needed more help with tasks at a later age than some. Sometimes it is a reassurance thing when he is more anxious and helps with bonding to people who are his constant.

Also regarding following instructions, I think someone else commented recently about needing to get attention before saying something. When my husband says something to me I often mishear because I miss the first few words. When I reply he may be puzzled by my reply because I have replied to what I thought I heard.

Sometimes kids don't quite realise they're being commanded to do a thing. They might hear an invitation to dialogue. Or they may not understand what you're asking and get overwhelmed. 

Somehow she needs to feel that no matter what happens, she can trust you more than anyone else in the world. Kids need to feel a sense of agency, respected and most importantly understood and protected. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard is Respect is given, Trust is earned. This is the most important for family and everyone can wait. My clients appreciate I put my son's needs first. But trying to show I have his best interest and create appropriate boundaries while teaching him agency - how to make decisions, can be difficult. 

Sometimes it's best to put everything on hold and spend time investing in growing our relationship with our kids. Have a night in, order take away, inspire them to tell you about themselves. Find out their questions and dreams and thoughts. Watch their favourite movie. See if they have new talent emerging. 

Autistic wiring is such that it is kind and courteous to 'over-explain' and be as pragmatic as possible. For NeuroTypicals, this is incredibly condescending, and here is a big disconnect. But for centuries, we've loved good articulated styles of language, a command of syntax and grammar. It's only more recently as adverts and algorithms have tried to suggest, that we expect others to 'read our minds'. And no one is telepathic.

If she is Autistic, she may feel unseen, misrepresented and as if she's getting commands which make little to no sense. In response, she may use whatever is learned to communicate a feeling of being unprotected. She won't know how to use language very well. Our job as parents is to help encourage open discussion and help children understand themselves and respond appropriately or assert proper boundaries. Problems arise when signals are mixed from a Double Empathy problem. Most autistics have difficulty with language and sub-text, with never feeling understood (and this compounds an issue of feeling isolated) and difficulty identifying their feelings. 

It's imperative to lead by example. Always find a way to be understanding. Do tasks with your child until they express they'd like to do them without your help. Always give advance warning. Always ask if I can help. Always be a source of openness and reasonableness. These are basic manners of showing respect and the child eventually returns the gestures. We can sometimes be more kind to strangers than our own family. It should be the other way around. Strangers won't be there when we age. 

I agree with Homebird this behaviour starting in the last couple of weeks is likely due to the disrupted school schedule at the end of the school year (sports day, fun days, transition days) and now the fact that there is no school. Are you able to make some kind of visual calendar for her, or set up a home routine even if it’s quite simple with meal times on and times for different activities throughout the day

I am wondering if she is struggling to cope with the change in routine. At school she knows exactly what to expect at different times of the day. Also if she is moving to year 3 after the holidays that is a big transition. I remember even with a lot of preparation at school the anticipation was very hard for my son.

If she has heightened anxiety she may find it difficult to take in what you have said, so she may not consciously be ignoring you. If she is anxious she might find every request feels like she is not in control.

The comment about self loathing suggests that she doesn't want to be in this situation and is struggling to do the right thing.

Is it possible to discuss some routine of what might happen during the holiday, maybe some things that are the same each day at the same time? When my son was younger we used to plan what TV programmes he would watch, when we would do an activity and try to keep mealtimes the same. We would also give him advance warning of any trips out. 

Another thing that might help is to give choices, so we need to do this, would you like to do it at this time or that. Maybe offer to help with some tidying that needs doing or ask when she would be able to do it. She may find it hard to stop an activity instantly to do something you have asked, or give 5/10 minute warnings.

Also it may help to acknowledge that she may find some things hard, so you would like to help her with those things.