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Rudeness and not listening to instructions

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Hi all,

Desperate parent here. We’re on day 3 of the school holidays and my wife and I are both at the end of our tether. 7yo girl is awaiting diagnosis for ASD but something seems to have switched the last couple weeks. She speaks to us like sh*t constantly. She backchats and doesn’t listen at all when she tell her to stop arguing back. Any instruction she’s given she ignores, forgets or just says ‘I’m doing what I want’. If we calmly try to explain why her behaviour isn’t acceptable, she rolls her eyes saying ‘yeah, yeah whatever’. If we try the naughty step or time out, she screams, throws things and the behaviour starts again immediately. She also is extremely self-loathing and will go on about how she doesn’t like herself, she’s the worst child in the world and how she wishes she was better. 
feel like we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place with this behaviour. 
PLEASE HELP!

Parents

  • I am wondering if she is struggling to cope with the change in routine. At school she knows exactly what to expect at different times of the day. Also if she is moving to year 3 after the holidays that is a big transition. I remember even with a lot of preparation at school the anticipation was very hard for my son.

    If she has heightened anxiety she may find it difficult to take in what you have said, so she may not consciously be ignoring you. If she is anxious she might find every request feels like she is not in control.

    The comment about self loathing suggests that she doesn't want to be in this situation and is struggling to do the right thing.

    Is it possible to discuss some routine of what might happen during the holiday, maybe some things that are the same each day at the same time? When my son was younger we used to plan what TV programmes he would watch, when we would do an activity and try to keep mealtimes the same. We would also give him advance warning of any trips out. 

    Another thing that might help is to give choices, so we need to do this, would you like to do it at this time or that. Maybe offer to help with some tidying that needs doing or ask when she would be able to do it. She may find it hard to stop an activity instantly to do something you have asked, or give 5/10 minute warnings.

    Also it may help to acknowledge that she may find some things hard, so you would like to help her with those things.

Reply

  • I am wondering if she is struggling to cope with the change in routine. At school she knows exactly what to expect at different times of the day. Also if she is moving to year 3 after the holidays that is a big transition. I remember even with a lot of preparation at school the anticipation was very hard for my son.

    If she has heightened anxiety she may find it difficult to take in what you have said, so she may not consciously be ignoring you. If she is anxious she might find every request feels like she is not in control.

    The comment about self loathing suggests that she doesn't want to be in this situation and is struggling to do the right thing.

    Is it possible to discuss some routine of what might happen during the holiday, maybe some things that are the same each day at the same time? When my son was younger we used to plan what TV programmes he would watch, when we would do an activity and try to keep mealtimes the same. We would also give him advance warning of any trips out. 

    Another thing that might help is to give choices, so we need to do this, would you like to do it at this time or that. Maybe offer to help with some tidying that needs doing or ask when she would be able to do it. She may find it hard to stop an activity instantly to do something you have asked, or give 5/10 minute warnings.

    Also it may help to acknowledge that she may find some things hard, so you would like to help her with those things.

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