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Parent of 2 Aspies reaching out

NAS81193

As a father of 2 Aspies (16 and 13), with a wife who has changed careers from teaching to therapy in order to understand and help our own kids better, I can't believe this is the FIRST time I've ever sought connection with other parents of kids on the spectrum. 

We have tried so hard to support and develop them but despite all our efforts, one huge doubt remains: where is the line between supporting their development (therapy, new experiences, extending their comfort zones, etc) and accepting them 'as they are' (which limitations are innate? Are our efforts actually harming our kids?) And at an even deeper level, are our efforts driven by a desire to support them or a denial of how they are? After all these years, I'm realising that instead of working on them maybe the best way to help them would have been to work on myself. 

Not sure there's even a question there. Wishing you all well. 

  • Accept them the way they are

    Teach them how to fend for themselves, if they can learn it. it's cruel place, this planet.

    Teach them to prioritise Mental Health over other things, to avoid bad complications later in life

    Some therapies are actually harmful to us

    Myself I prefer to do things on my own, those that I manage, even if it is a struggle.

    I didn't get even advice about things I'm clueless how to do them, my family only demanded that I get them done, a constant nagging that still continues. despite reading all there is about it, I still can't cope with things like finding job, a partner, or how to avoid conflicts with strangers or new workmates, all manuals sounds to me like gibberish.

    I find it difficult to say no, so people pushing me to make me agree to something quickly end up among those to be avoided. There is many reasons why we take time to answer actually

    It's possible that your kids like majority of autistic say what they mean and mean what they say, and perceive what other people tell them the same way. It was massive blow for me to find out that my mom lied to me on few occassions, how can I trust her now?

    Like Caelus said, anything that they don't like if you push them they will hide in a rabbit hole, if it continues they will hide forever, despite living in your house.

    We tend to like humour, we don't always get all the jokes, and we often make jokes others don't get.

    But not the jokes where people are laughing out what they perceive as other person's shortcomings

    With age we are becoming a lot more sensitive and that includes our sensitivities

  • i think all you need to do is love and support your kids and not force things on them or get shouty at them when they do things you dont approve of.

    im not entirely sure. my mum is kind and loving, id do anything she wants to not upset her... my dad... is probably a narcissist and gets shouty angry and manipulative and when even a tiny thing doesnt go his way, so tiny, such as you put his cup in the wrong place, he would go ballistic argue and whine for hours and turn it onto others things such as claiming you dont do anything and claiming you dont care about him and claiming your a aweful person and that your the bad one that shouts and so on... yeah, dont be a douche like my dad, but thats easy because i guess hes a narcissist and its his mental issue lol

    be cool and loving, dont hate your kid, dont be aggressive or manipulative or try to guilt and turn things on them and dont be negative. it will all turn out alright with love and positivity and support. anything negative would just drive them into a deep hole though, you will never get them out of the room or your house in the future if you add anything negative, they will shut themselves in in every possible way.

  • Blimey, perhaps you need to break that down issue by issue for the best advice.

    Both things are necessary; accepting your kids as they are AND supporting them.

    Many of us were not accepted for who we are, were always thought of as defective and we found that damaging later.

    Many of us were also not supported at all with the challenges, basically because no one knew we were autistic, and many of us got the wrong 'support'; e.g. to stop stimming, which should definitely be left alone unless harmful and in that case redirected to something harmless, not stopped.

    I was diagnosed at 56. My mother cried because no one ever listened to her when I was at school and I never had any "help". I keep telling her she wouldn't have liked what "help" in the 70s looked like, any way. I'm glad I had no help rather than the wrong help, albeit the right help might have been nice.

    I am sure you are loving parents doing your best. Autistic people beat to their own drum and there's nothing wrong with that. Sadly, the world was not well designed for us, but that doesn't mean we can just opt out of life or society. As a guiding principle to my mind, 'support' should consist of accepting we are different and then negotiating with the world to make things possible. How can society bend to us and how can we understand and bend to it? It's a personal point of view, but to my mind it's like two people speaking two languages from two different cultures. Both are being asked to do something alien to them, but if each makes an effort for the other, communication and understanding can begin and things can be achieved. Both must however respect the others' perspective and experience are valid.

    It's when it gets one sided and we are the only ones viewed as 'odd', 'wrong' or defective that things go horribly downhill.