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Parent of 2 Aspies reaching out

NAS81193

As a father of 2 Aspies (16 and 13), with a wife who has changed careers from teaching to therapy in order to understand and help our own kids better, I can't believe this is the FIRST time I've ever sought connection with other parents of kids on the spectrum. 

We have tried so hard to support and develop them but despite all our efforts, one huge doubt remains: where is the line between supporting their development (therapy, new experiences, extending their comfort zones, etc) and accepting them 'as they are' (which limitations are innate? Are our efforts actually harming our kids?) And at an even deeper level, are our efforts driven by a desire to support them or a denial of how they are? After all these years, I'm realising that instead of working on them maybe the best way to help them would have been to work on myself. 

Not sure there's even a question there. Wishing you all well. 

Parents

  • Blimey, perhaps you need to break that down issue by issue for the best advice.

    Both things are necessary; accepting your kids as they are AND supporting them.

    Many of us were not accepted for who we are, were always thought of as defective and we found that damaging later.

    Many of us were also not supported at all with the challenges, basically because no one knew we were autistic, and many of us got the wrong 'support'; e.g. to stop stimming, which should definitely be left alone unless harmful and in that case redirected to something harmless, not stopped.

    I was diagnosed at 56. My mother cried because no one ever listened to her when I was at school and I never had any "help". I keep telling her she wouldn't have liked what "help" in the 70s looked like, any way. I'm glad I had no help rather than the wrong help, albeit the right help might have been nice.

    I am sure you are loving parents doing your best. Autistic people beat to their own drum and there's nothing wrong with that. Sadly, the world was not well designed for us, but that doesn't mean we can just opt out of life or society. As a guiding principle to my mind, 'support' should consist of accepting we are different and then negotiating with the world to make things possible. How can society bend to us and how can we understand and bend to it? It's a personal point of view, but to my mind it's like two people speaking two languages from two different cultures. Both are being asked to do something alien to them, but if each makes an effort for the other, communication and understanding can begin and things can be achieved. Both must however respect the others' perspective and experience are valid.

    It's when it gets one sided and we are the only ones viewed as 'odd', 'wrong' or defective that things go horribly downhill.

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  • Blimey, perhaps you need to break that down issue by issue for the best advice.

    Both things are necessary; accepting your kids as they are AND supporting them.

    Many of us were not accepted for who we are, were always thought of as defective and we found that damaging later.

    Many of us were also not supported at all with the challenges, basically because no one knew we were autistic, and many of us got the wrong 'support'; e.g. to stop stimming, which should definitely be left alone unless harmful and in that case redirected to something harmless, not stopped.

    I was diagnosed at 56. My mother cried because no one ever listened to her when I was at school and I never had any "help". I keep telling her she wouldn't have liked what "help" in the 70s looked like, any way. I'm glad I had no help rather than the wrong help, albeit the right help might have been nice.

    I am sure you are loving parents doing your best. Autistic people beat to their own drum and there's nothing wrong with that. Sadly, the world was not well designed for us, but that doesn't mean we can just opt out of life or society. As a guiding principle to my mind, 'support' should consist of accepting we are different and then negotiating with the world to make things possible. How can society bend to us and how can we understand and bend to it? It's a personal point of view, but to my mind it's like two people speaking two languages from two different cultures. Both are being asked to do something alien to them, but if each makes an effort for the other, communication and understanding can begin and things can be achieved. Both must however respect the others' perspective and experience are valid.

    It's when it gets one sided and we are the only ones viewed as 'odd', 'wrong' or defective that things go horribly downhill.

Children
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