Taking things literally - but knows what we mean...?

She has literal thinking and developed what she feels is a rational response, you didn't say what you mean.  Non-autistic children and adults are better at getting the gist of a statement or request, and not question aspects of it, or feel wronged.

She might learnt to accept the gist of things, but might need help with it - reminders that 'wait a minute' doesn't mean an exact minute.

You could write down a whole load of phrases that aren't meant literally and then go through now and then, guide her that she should just get the idea of the message and not worry about it being exact.   

My dad once took me with him to visit someone, but told me he was going to see a man about a dog, so that was what i was expecting when we got there.  He also said swallows had no legs and had to balance on a telephone wire rather than land in tree.  I took that literally, though I had doubt that was literal.  

She has started to realise that 'do you need a hand' doesn't mean literally need another hand, but her response is programmed to question it still as she doesn't know another way to deal with literal phrases.  Taking things literally is automatic, its learning to realise some things aren't mean literally, and others are.  It might take her a while by herself, but if guided she might get there more quickly.  

I can still get caught out by taking things as literal, but usually second guess fairly quickly though not always.  

There are lots of different responses here, so I’ll just say what I’ve noticed in myself. When someone uses a phrase non-literally, I often see the literal version in my head, often in a picture of some kind. And often this makes me laugh, even if just to myself. Sometimes, when I have learned the meaning of a non-literal phrase, these pictures in my head incorporate the non-literal meaning too. But sometimes the phrases are bizarre, so I just have the literal image and the non-literal meaning separately. Sometimes I will comment on the literal meaning, even though I know the non-literal meaning, to include the person I’m talking to in my enjoyment of the phrase. Now I’m older I’m more skilled at knowing when this is appropriate and who with. 

The times when I actually misunderstand non-literal phrases are the more subtle ones, and this happens quite often. Ones where it’s not so much a phrase that is used repeatedly and I can learn, but more like, ‘When you get home we’ll sort it’ but meaning ‘When we’re both not busy and at home we’ll sort it.’ 

I think something I found helpful growing up and actually a lot at university, when I lived away from my family for the first time( who were quite careful and aware about my communication needs so it was never really an issue), was clear explanations without judgement about when I had stepped over a line. So if there are situations, like when we’re busy or in a rush, and I bring out the literal meaning of something for humour, my husband will let me know that the rush is making this not the best time for that.

It’s a really interesting discussion though because I also work with autistic students in a secondary school and almost all of them love to make jokes about non-literal phrases, but only with teachers they know well  enough to know they won’t get into trouble for it. They say being able to have jokes like that is one of the things they like about those teachers too! I wonder if there’s any research on it, maybe as someone said above, as a way to have connection with others. 

Thinking literally is an autistic trait.  What she needs is training to understand figurative speech and meanings, metaphors and similes.

Oh... I'm not sure I hear that. Though I can see where you're going. Some individuals do have extra difficulty here.

I think some of us may be able to think faster, but I can honestly say I might have a nano-second pause and contemplate several meanings, look for clues, ask if I'm misinterpreting and then fire something back so fast no one noticed everything that happened in my head in that warp-speed of a moment. I mean, I LOVE irony, but there is a conscious appreciation... again. So short I shouldn't notice it! 

Theatre classes paying off!!!

So, for you autistic people are slaves of their neurology and cannot take in any subtlety of metaphor or trope, even when given a full explanation? This seems overly pessimistic; that a person can learn a literal meaning in the first place indicates that learning potential is there, the logical extension of this ability is that novel things can also be learned and that previously learned things can be modified and overlaid.

researchautism.org/.../

It seems to me as if she is trying to correct you and that the continued use of such phrases to her is increasingly annoying to her. In her mind what has been said does not make any sense and is not the correct use of language. To an non autistic person it appears pedantic but I certainly don't think she is being deliberately cheeky. 

Even though you have explained to her that these phrases are not meant to be taken literally her brain will continue to take them literally. That's down to the way her brain is wired. Then she has to do extra processing to 'translate' what was said into something that makes logical sense. I guess it's a bit like the extra step that has to be taken if something is spoken in a foreign language. Such phrases, that make no logical sense, are like a foreign language to her. She is learning how to translate them but still does not understand why they need to be used.

It is an autistic trait and this 'literal' thinking will never go away. As she matures she may learn not to respond in the same way she is now. I think that's partly why autistic brains need extra processing time. Not only do we have to process what was said but then have to translate it into something that makes logical sense. 

I know I do that sometimes. For example if someone says 'I'll be with you in a sec' or 'in a minute' I cringe. I have responded in a similar way to your daughter, even as an adult. It frustrates me that people can't just say what they mean. 

Autistic people are very variable, and we can react to and modify our own traits. Once an intelligent autistic person is told the meaning of an everyday trope, we remember the non-literal meaning. I once asked if some cars had steering wheels in the back, on hearing the trope 'backseat driver' used. Once the trope had been explained to me I remembered its meaning. Autistics can be sly, manipulative and have a sense of humour. If your child uses a literal meaning after being told the metaphorical meaning, then she is doing so for her enjoyment, either at the discomfort of others or because she finds it amusing. 

I know exactly what you mean as my daughter does this and I also wonder about it meaning she can't be autistic.

I will add!! She's clarifying things which usually aren't clarified until Uni by a Logic or Philosophy Professor if one happens to take the class. In diplomatic situations, WE APPROVE of taking notice of what she's automatically picking up. In fact, one reason individuals in Authority are bing "cancelled" is due to their lack of intentional reasoning by using All or Nothing language. Explore this with her.

She's basically stating what a Philosophy Prof. would: "Everyone" is a hard term. You can help her learn to use the phrase, "I'm assuming you don't actually mean everyone, but everyone in this class".  (Add a wink or smile - this will help her with her sense of humour and acceptability)

I would get her involved with https://p4c.com 

Lies are a major issue that autistics need help differentiating. How to discern between carelessness with intent or language vs. intentionally misrepresenting something. And this can be taught through matters of Diplomacy. Learning to understand things "in context" or "in relation with". Help her appreciate silence instead of cruelty where matters of the heart are concerned. Or learning to whisper just to you how ugly someones dog is instead of announcing it out loud. It helps her get it out in a very contained and healthy way. I was once told that a Truth out of context is a Lie. For instance, if I care about not hurting someone and I hurt them with my words because what I'm saying is a 'truth' and I feel even a little surge of ego from saying it, then it becomes a lie. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but it has helped me. I don't want to hurt others. So I employ diplomatic rules to engage with others. Learn to respect how another might hear what I'm saying or not saying. Now this stuff can take 20 years to really become skilled with. So, I'd simply suggest as a parent to learn this art-form in small amounts over time and simply lead by example.

Perhaps, too, you can meet her half way when it comes to an indefinite postponement. "I can't estimate when I'll be ready but it will be within the next 20 minutes. So you're welcome to sit and do nothing or perhaps read a book or colour and we can take that with you when I am ready, so you can finish along the way."

She isn't a 'literal' thinker, she's an Analytical thinker. And this needs to be encouraged. She sounds like a critical thinker and may respond really well to a higher standard of linguistics. Aim for the wit, clarity and sharpness of a journalist like Quentin Letts twitter.com/thequentinletts

The problem is she might not actually know what your implications / unspoken 'secret codes' actually are, but she's addressing and engaging with what's being said to her. So, she's not trying to undermine you, most likely she has no clue what you mean, but finds the phrase amusing. But there's also a DEEP respect for excellence with meaning and pragmatics. This can be encouraged. Always assume the best. 

She may hear the irony in a phrase and incorrect use, and she will appreciate clarity and precision with language, and you can help her learn fun techniques when she is intentionally being 'cheeky' and also knows what you mean. Perhaps together you can play a fun game and come up with your own secret codes and phrases. it will help her learn to appreciate the NeuroTypical tribal behaviour of saying one thing while meaning another for the sake of inclusion.

It's rare she might have a neurotic (neurotypical anti-social) motive when dealing with pragmatics. The autistic typically seeks connexion, not competition. And in a psychologists office, we learn to speak back exactly what the other said and also ask, 'did you mean this ____". 

Language can be used purposefully to manipulate. Adverts are good with this. Autistics don't usually desire any more severing of connexions than they already normally experience. Help her to learn the phrase, "It's helpful when you are direct. What would you like from me exactly"