Adult son with anxiety - how best to support him

Hi Lois

Thanks for your response and the link to the YouTube video which I did watch. It's useful to be reminded of what the NT world is like for those on the spectrum - my other son is dyslexic and dyspraxic and communicates better than his brother so I get some idea what life can be like.

Hi Kate, thank you for all your kind and thoughtful words, and your observations. It helps to have the perspective of another having similar experiences. CAMHS helped my son (eventually after 3rd but very lovely counsellor who totally 'got' him and made such a huge difference to him to the point he was 'well' for a while. The NHS psychologist has helped and we can see a difference but the anxiety is still there. Whilst it can be difficult at times due to his behaviour  I'm trying to give my son the space and time he needs and keep open lines of communication which can be difficult when he doesn't want to talk.

I am sorry that your own son is struggling so much. and had to drop out of college, that must have been not only a difficult time but an equally difficult decision as he may have felt he was failing - my son sometimes feels he's a failure for not having 'achieved'. We've had him doing some landscaping work in the garden - only small jobs which we have paid him for. it has given him a sense of pride and achievement in a way we haven't seen for a long time. I hope your son does manage to go back to college and also makes friends - does he play on line games? Both my sons do and I can see the on line gaming community can be quite an accepting place where individuals can be who ever they want to be. It took a while to get my head round the concept but I can see the benefits (and the problems too!).

Thanks again for your support. Cx

That’s brilliant xxx 

Thank you Lois - I hugely appreciate that. I’m here for you too. x 

1. Xxxx I’m here for a chat if you need one xx

I love what you’ve written here - you’re so right. I’m going to read this to my son too as I’m sure he will like it too. Thank you :) 

I had to go at my own pace; too. However, I came to a position where I either had to change or die with regrets.

Xx

i have to add that you can’t change how people think or be perceived as judging you,

sometimes we weigh ourselves down with what others think too much. I know I do, more so when I’m out and anxious, but I have come to conclusion that I am who I am, I change some not all of my behaviors so people don’t have to think about me and what I’m doing,

an excited hummmm at a beautiful cloud or the bluest sky, being made inert at the glance of an impatient old lady waiting for me to move from the lemons while I am deep in though about wether to scan or weigh!!
At they end of the day I believe they have the problem by not coexisting with there fellow people.

Be gentle with yourself, step away from the feelings and be kind to the self, look after it. We can help peoples opinions just as much as we can’t help them in changing our self’s to help there confusion! 

be you xx

Thank you - that’s very kind of you. x 

No they shouldn’t. I’m sorry it’s this way for

you. Xxxx

The wish and need to feel ‘safe’ has totally dominated my life. I’ve done everything I can to try to feel safe - and most of the time I have failed to achieve this. It’s especially bad at the moment - the pandemic and the state of the world has made my (and my son’s) anxiety much worse.

it’s only natural that autistic people’s need to feel safe means that they sometimes withdraw from the world In various ways. No one should blame them for that. 

Hi There

i have Autism and I’m not going you any advise but I would like to share with you a video I shared with my partner who didn’t get me in the outside (sometimes inside ) world. 
tell your partner to put head phones on and watch (listen) to the video link. This is noise along with the stress’s of how family and people are reacting to what we look like in theses moments, the endless ness of feeling lost because you just want to be safe somewhere. I believe how ever functioning people are, feel this … it’s just one aspect, but I believe the biggest trigger. I hope this helps your partner understand 

https://youtu.be/ECU8y5i7osY

please please listen to ALL of it with head phones on… as this is how it feels mostly with variable volume, but we can’t these ‘headphones’ off or turn off the video… we have to try to keep going.. because it’s expected that we continue on with what ever is being done at that time.

I hope this helps

Lois

I just wanted to add to my previous reply: 

you write:

’Our son feels he is having pressure put on him to engage with the neurotypical world and get on with life even though he finds that a bit scary.’ 
It’s quite likely that ‘a bit scary’ is possibly a huge understatement of the reality of just how daunting this might be for your son. 

and also you write:

‘In a way he is hiding from the world, is ambivalent about finding paid work and has a very comfy life living at home.’ 

If your son really is ‘hiding from the world’ - which I can completely understand and relate to - it’s not really ‘a very comfy life’ - it’s actually driven by anxiety and fear. It’s also lonely and isolating. The fact that his life at home might be materially comfortable and ‘safe’ on one level does not mean that your son is ‘having it easy’. If he is experiencing severe anxiety and mental health problems then take it from me : there is nothing ‘comfy’ about it at all! It’s an extremely painful thing to be living with - no matter how warm the house your are living in is, or how much food there is in the fridge. There’s nothing comfortable about it at all I can promise you. 
Whatever comfort your son CAN access - such as talking to his friends online - is a godsend - so your spouse should not begrudge your son that at all. 
it’s important to recognise that mental health problems should not be minimised. It is damn HARD to cope with mental illness. Autism is often no picnic either! So please ask your spouse to be mindful of this. Your son can get through this difficult period in his life I’m sure. It sounds like he’s been through an awful lot - and is still struggling. He’s accessing and engaging with help though, and working for the IT charity - so he’s managing a lot in the circumstances. I really wish him luck! My youngest is having NHS counselling too - it’s not helping much so far but I’m so proud of him for doing it - it’s not easy in some ways, He is temporarily out of college as his Social Anxiety and Selective Mutism was making college intolerable for him. He hopes to return in September though. He doesn’t having any friends (even online friends), and feels so sad about that. 
Anyway - best wishes to you and your son - sending solidarity! I’m here for you if you ever want to chat :) 

Hi - I also have a young adult son who struggles with anxiety and other issues, and I’m autistic myself and have struggled with anxiety for many years. 
It’s great that your son is volunteering at a local charity - that’s no small achievement. 
It’s also excellent that he’s getting counselling from the NHS - that’s not easy to get so well done for that! I hope it’s helping - it sounds like it is to some degree. And also he’s obviously done well educationally - which will help matters going forward in terms of work opportunities. Good that he has friends online too. So there are real positives. 

It’s important for your spouse to understand that your son needs to go at his own pace. If a lot of pressure and judgement is put on your son by your spouse it will be counterproductive. Most autistic people do not respond well to being put under pressure - it only causes resistance and panic. I don’t wish to be unkind but your spouse really does need to stop being so unsympathetic to your son. Your son is autistic and has mental health problems - he deserves to be treated with kindness and understanding, Your spouses apparent ‘pull yourself together’ attitude is really not going to help! a) it’s unkind and b) it will only make things worse! 
So please try and educate your spouse on this point - for your son’s sake and also for your whole families sake. You need to all work together and make it clear that your son has your full, unconditional love and support.

it sounds like your son is actually making real progress in many ways - so he’s actually doing well in lots of ways. He is ‘moving forward with his life’ in small ways - but he has to be able to do that at a pace he can cope with. If you have severe anxiety and mental health issues even getting up in the morning and having breakfast can be an achievement - that’s what your spouse needs to understand. It can make even the seemingly simplest things really difficult. Motivation can be severely affected to the point that doing anything at all can be challenging. So your spouse should give your son credit for what your son IS doing - not judging him for what he is currently not able to do.

You obviously really love your son and are doing your best to support him - which is wonderful. Your love and support will be helping him massively I’m sure. It’s very painful to see our children struggling and anxious  - and it’s  heartbreaking to see them so unhappy. I know how that feels - and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this too. But together as a family I’m sure you’ll work through this period to help your son live the life he wants to live - and find a way of living that he can be more happy with. It’s not easy though that’s for sure. I always found helping my children cope with school was really challenging  - but when autistic people leave education a whole new set of problems arise!  The only way is to take it one day at a time, and make sure they know that you are 100% on their side and there to help them in any way you can. Because there’s no doubt about it - life can be very tough for autistic people. I know some autistic people do not like to see autism as a ‘disability’ - but I very much see it is that. It can make ordinary things that others can easily do almost impossible sometimes. It’s important that your spouse understands this.

Anyway - best of luck. Take care of yourself too - this is very stressful for you so don’t forget to look after your own well being too. x 

The thing with anxiety is that, without alcohol or drugs, we feel our feelings and it makes our skin creep.