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Adult son with anxiety - how best to support him

ChrisP

Some advice please. Not sure where to start as I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed myself. My 23 year old ASD son is struggling with  anxiety and other mental health issues. He has done for several years and has been in much more difficult places than he is now. He is not working but is volunteering for a local IT charity. He is getting support to help him find paid work (he is a graduate with a good degree) and has been having counselling with an NHS psychologist. This seems to have been helping him to the point that he has got back in touch with friends (albeit on line) for the first time in a year. Just recently he literally woke up one morning and his anxiety was back. His on line socialising seems to tire out his social tolerance so that he has no energy for anything else. Add in to that mix is a spouse who doesn't 'get'' the fact that our son can go from being able to help with stuff outside and communicate with us to not being able to even though he is socialising on line. he feels that our son should "get a grip and get on with it, and stop hiding from the world" which gets our son angry and is counterproductive.

Our son feels he is having pressure put on him to engage with the neurotypical world and get on with life even though he finds that a bit scary. i'm left trying to explain to my spouse how our son feels and what is going on because he doesn't 'get' it and also being sympathetic to my son and letting him know that I support him. Add into that an unwillingness of our son to discuss how he feels and makes it clear he doesn't want to be disturbed when he is on line ( for many hours at a time). In a way he is hiding from the world, is ambivalent about finding paid work and has a very comfy life living at home. 

I guess - help!!!! Howe do other cope. What can I do to help my son? Is it unreasonable to try and help him move forward with his life - he doesn't seem to want to yet he is very capable intellectually. Struggling to see a way forward.

Parents

  • Hi - I also have a young adult son who struggles with anxiety and other issues, and I’m autistic myself and have struggled with anxiety for many years. 
    It’s great that your son is volunteering at a local charity - that’s no small achievement. 
    It’s also excellent that he’s getting counselling from the NHS - that’s not easy to get so well done for that! I hope it’s helping - it sounds like it is to some degree. And also he’s obviously done well educationally - which will help matters going forward in terms of work opportunities. Good that he has friends online too. So there are real positives. 

    It’s important for your spouse to understand that your son needs to go at his own pace. If a lot of pressure and judgement is put on your son by your spouse it will be counterproductive. Most autistic people do not respond well to being put under pressure - it only causes resistance and panic. I don’t wish to be unkind but your spouse really does need to stop being so unsympathetic to your son. Your son is autistic and has mental health problems - he deserves to be treated with kindness and understanding, Your spouses apparent ‘pull yourself together’ attitude is really not going to help! a) it’s unkind and b) it will only make things worse! 
    So please try and educate your spouse on this point - for your son’s sake and also for your whole families sake. You need to all work together and make it clear that your son has your full, unconditional love and support.

    it sounds like your son is actually making real progress in many ways - so he’s actually doing well in lots of ways. He is ‘moving forward with his life’ in small ways - but he has to be able to do that at a pace he can cope with. If you have severe anxiety and mental health issues even getting up in the morning and having breakfast can be an achievement - that’s what your spouse needs to understand. It can make even the seemingly simplest things really difficult. Motivation can be severely affected to the point that doing anything at all can be challenging. So your spouse should give your son credit for what your son IS doing - not judging him for what he is currently not able to do.

    You obviously really love your son and are doing your best to support him - which is wonderful. Your love and support will be helping him massively I’m sure. It’s very painful to see our children struggling and anxious  - and it’s  heartbreaking to see them so unhappy. I know how that feels - and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this too. But together as a family I’m sure you’ll work through this period to help your son live the life he wants to live - and find a way of living that he can be more happy with. It’s not easy though that’s for sure. I always found helping my children cope with school was really challenging  - but when autistic people leave education a whole new set of problems arise!  The only way is to take it one day at a time, and make sure they know that you are 100% on their side and there to help them in any way you can. Because there’s no doubt about it - life can be very tough for autistic people. I know some autistic people do not like to see autism as a ‘disability’ - but I very much see it is that. It can make ordinary things that others can easily do almost impossible sometimes. It’s important that your spouse understands this.

    Anyway - best of luck. Take care of yourself too - this is very stressful for you so don’t forget to look after your own well being too. x 

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    I had to go at my own pace; too. However, I came to a position where I either had to change or die with regrets.

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