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Adult son with anxiety - how best to support him

ChrisP

Some advice please. Not sure where to start as I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed myself. My 23 year old ASD son is struggling with  anxiety and other mental health issues. He has done for several years and has been in much more difficult places than he is now. He is not working but is volunteering for a local IT charity. He is getting support to help him find paid work (he is a graduate with a good degree) and has been having counselling with an NHS psychologist. This seems to have been helping him to the point that he has got back in touch with friends (albeit on line) for the first time in a year. Just recently he literally woke up one morning and his anxiety was back. His on line socialising seems to tire out his social tolerance so that he has no energy for anything else. Add in to that mix is a spouse who doesn't 'get'' the fact that our son can go from being able to help with stuff outside and communicate with us to not being able to even though he is socialising on line. he feels that our son should "get a grip and get on with it, and stop hiding from the world" which gets our son angry and is counterproductive.

Our son feels he is having pressure put on him to engage with the neurotypical world and get on with life even though he finds that a bit scary. i'm left trying to explain to my spouse how our son feels and what is going on because he doesn't 'get' it and also being sympathetic to my son and letting him know that I support him. Add into that an unwillingness of our son to discuss how he feels and makes it clear he doesn't want to be disturbed when he is on line ( for many hours at a time). In a way he is hiding from the world, is ambivalent about finding paid work and has a very comfy life living at home. 

I guess - help!!!! Howe do other cope. What can I do to help my son? Is it unreasonable to try and help him move forward with his life - he doesn't seem to want to yet he is very capable intellectually. Struggling to see a way forward.

Parents

  • I just wanted to add to my previous reply: 

    you write:

    ’Our son feels he is having pressure put on him to engage with the neurotypical world and get on with life even though he finds that a bit scary.’ 
    It’s quite likely that ‘a bit scary’ is possibly a huge understatement of the reality of just how daunting this might be for your son. 

    and also you write:

    ‘In a way he is hiding from the world, is ambivalent about finding paid work and has a very comfy life living at home.’ 

    If your son really is ‘hiding from the world’ - which I can completely understand and relate to - it’s not really ‘a very comfy life’ - it’s actually driven by anxiety and fear. It’s also lonely and isolating. The fact that his life at home might be materially comfortable and ‘safe’ on one level does not mean that your son is ‘having it easy’. If he is experiencing severe anxiety and mental health problems then take it from me : there is nothing ‘comfy’ about it at all! It’s an extremely painful thing to be living with - no matter how warm the house your are living in is, or how much food there is in the fridge. There’s nothing comfortable about it at all I can promise you. 
    Whatever comfort your son CAN access - such as talking to his friends online - is a godsend - so your spouse should not begrudge your son that at all. 
    it’s important to recognise that mental health problems should not be minimised. It is damn HARD to cope with mental illness. Autism is often no picnic either! So please ask your spouse to be mindful of this. Your son can get through this difficult period in his life I’m sure. It sounds like he’s been through an awful lot - and is still struggling. He’s accessing and engaging with help though, and working for the IT charity - so he’s managing a lot in the circumstances. I really wish him luck! My youngest is having NHS counselling too - it’s not helping much so far but I’m so proud of him for doing it - it’s not easy in some ways, He is temporarily out of college as his Social Anxiety and Selective Mutism was making college intolerable for him. He hopes to return in September though. He doesn’t having any friends (even online friends), and feels so sad about that. 
    Anyway - best wishes to you and your son - sending solidarity! I’m here for you if you ever want to chat :) 

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Hi Kate, thank you for all your kind and thoughtful words, and your observations. It helps to have the perspective of another having similar experiences. CAMHS helped my son (eventually after 3rd but very lovely counsellor who totally 'got' him and made such a huge difference to him to the point he was 'well' for a while. The NHS psychologist has helped and we can see a difference but the anxiety is still there. Whilst it can be difficult at times due to his behaviour  I'm trying to give my son the space and time he needs and keep open lines of communication which can be difficult when he doesn't want to talk.

    I am sorry that your own son is struggling so much. and had to drop out of college, that must have been not only a difficult time but an equally difficult decision as he may have felt he was failing - my son sometimes feels he's a failure for not having 'achieved'. We've had him doing some landscaping work in the garden - only small jobs which we have paid him for. it has given him a sense of pride and achievement in a way we haven't seen for a long time. I hope your son does manage to go back to college and also makes friends - does he play on line games? Both my sons do and I can see the on line gaming community can be quite an accepting place where individuals can be who ever they want to be. It took a while to get my head round the concept but I can see the benefits (and the problems too!).

    Thanks again for your support. Cx

Reply
  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Hi Kate, thank you for all your kind and thoughtful words, and your observations. It helps to have the perspective of another having similar experiences. CAMHS helped my son (eventually after 3rd but very lovely counsellor who totally 'got' him and made such a huge difference to him to the point he was 'well' for a while. The NHS psychologist has helped and we can see a difference but the anxiety is still there. Whilst it can be difficult at times due to his behaviour  I'm trying to give my son the space and time he needs and keep open lines of communication which can be difficult when he doesn't want to talk.

    I am sorry that your own son is struggling so much. and had to drop out of college, that must have been not only a difficult time but an equally difficult decision as he may have felt he was failing - my son sometimes feels he's a failure for not having 'achieved'. We've had him doing some landscaping work in the garden - only small jobs which we have paid him for. it has given him a sense of pride and achievement in a way we haven't seen for a long time. I hope your son does manage to go back to college and also makes friends - does he play on line games? Both my sons do and I can see the on line gaming community can be quite an accepting place where individuals can be who ever they want to be. It took a while to get my head round the concept but I can see the benefits (and the problems too!).

    Thanks again for your support. Cx

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