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please help

jenny

Hello, Im need any advice or help anybody can offer. My son is 9 years old. He was diognosed with asd 4 years ago. He also has high anxiety. I am really struggling. One of the main problems is with school. He hate leaving me in the morning, From the moment i wake him up its such a struggle just to get home out of bed. He cries and screems, Hits hiself and sometimes me. I really try to keep calm myself but i very occasionally get upset and shout at hime which makes hime worse. I just about manage to get hime dressed only for him to undress again. After a very long battle with this i then literally drag him from the house to the car. All the way to school he is screeming and pulliing on the steering wheel trying to get me to go back home. Once at school i get put of the car and stand outside listening to him screeming and begging me to take him home. He has a support worker for about 5 minutes each morning who coes out to meet us. (i used to be able to walk him into the school reception but was told last week we can no longer do this as his crying can alarm the other children). When the support comes out she tries to drag him from me. He shouts mummy please dont let her take me. He always calls me mum only using mummy in the mornings. After five minutes of him holding me he is literally dragged off screaming and shouting. The teachers tell me he is ok after a while at school but he tells be different. He says he cries at school and is ignored by some teachers. He has 2 friends at school. As soon as i pick him up he is already worring about the next day. He doesnt sleep and takes melotonin to help. on quite a few occasions he has had a full blown panic attack in the mornings making himself sick and has terrible chest pains. I have been told by the school and some friends that this is all my fault as im to soft on him and that he is just pulling heart strings to try and get me to allow him to stay off school. I tell them they just do not get it but now im thinking is it my fault????. His attendance at school is good he only has time of when he is poorly or a couple of times after a panic attack. He attends CAMHs weeklyfor councilling...Please help i need someone to tell me if it is my fault and if so what can i do about it..

Thank you

  • Hi,

    Did you think about changing school? My boy is 5 now but he's gone through a number of settings. First nursery - bad, 2nd nurserY - good, mainstream school - bad, afterschool club - good. Now transiting into ARMs school and the first days have been good. During transition, he resisted to wear the old school's uniform but was happy to wear the new one. It might be a matter of either a place or a person (teacher or one of peers) that frightens him inside but he might not even be able to realize why. Is he in a mainstream school? 

  • jenny, it definetley is not your fault, has crystal 12 has said school hasnt got a clue and it definetly seems that way. If cahms are involved I am shocked to hear they have not recommended that you keep him off school.  I have heard so many stories of the same situation going on.

    If i were you i would keep him off school, contact your gp and see if they could possibly sign him off due to his high anxiety's. Has he got a statement? is anyone else involved? Is there a chance for a multi agency meeting???

    You may be able to get some home tuition for a while till a right setting can be found and the right support for your son.  Maybe cahms could help more, do they know how he is from the moment he wakes up?????

     

  • Hi - this is absolutely definitely not your fault.  Sounds like the school hasn't a clue + he + you are having to go thru this every day because of that.  Has he a statement of educational needs? This cd open the way for a teaching assistant for him.  Also I think you need to consider whether he's in the right educational setting to meet his needs.  Have a look on the home pg if you haven't already as there's advice relating to education there + your rights.  I really do feel for the both of you - neither shd have to suffer day in day out like this.  

  • Hi Jenny,

    Do not doubt yourself Jenny.  I would do the same thing , if it is right or wrong i am not sure but i do know no one knows or understands our children better than us and if your sons anxiety is that bad i can understand your concerns over school attendence.

    My son is six and has anxiety with Aspergers.  School have told me in the past he may be taking advantage.

    But take that advice with a pinch of salt i think Jenny, because half the time they do not really understand Aspergers anyway and it is so different from one individual to another.  Support your son as you are doing, try and explain his anxieties to the school, if he can explain them to you?

    i think you need to try and alleviate your sons anxieties whatever they are, what is the main cause and work on them one by one, so that slowley his anxiety is reduced.  Is it possible for you to help at the school now and again, i used to do this for my son and it helped him, seeing me around and just knowing i was in the building.

    remember though his anxieties are real to him, no matter how trivial to anyone else, you just have to find ways to help him deal with them.

    Good luck. 

    Puffin

  • Hi Jenny

    I'm sorry that I cannot offer any practical advice as i am a novice to asds. My son is 6 and we suspect he has aspergers but we're only just starting the assessment process at the minute. So i'm really only starting to understand my own sons behaviors and finding ways to support him.

    I did want to post you though because i understand exatly how you are feeling. Not only do we have to support our children and cope with seeing them distressed and struggling, but we have to deal with other peoples judgements that are totally unfair. I feel for you, and i know that all of us parents will have been in this position many times, it makes you feel helpless and distressed. Even worse then that it makes you feel like a bad parent and you beat yourself up.

    Let me tell you you seem like a brilliant parent you clearly care so much about your son, and give him your total unconditional love and support. I can see this just by reading your post. These other parents are ignorant and they don't see the bigger picture of what you both live with 24hrs a day. It's bloody hard work and we are only human. Tough love just doesn't work with our children because it just makes them more anxious and it makes you more distressed. Have the confidence to have faith in yourself and know that you are doing the right thing for your little boy, and take no notice of these kind of comments.

    I'm sorry that i can't offer you more advice but i know very shortly that people will post with very constructive advice, they are great on here.

    Take Care xxx