Sick to death of ignorant people

It is so difficult when people think they know better and don't understand. I don't think they would make the same comments about a physical difficulty. 

My teenage son doesn't want his peers to know he has autism.

My thoughts on the comment are that he is in Special Education because you have chosen what is best for him. A child in the correct setting has a better chance of success. Being in a situation that is challenging does not help self esteem.

Just to add to this and I hope not to belabout the point, older people are not inherently ignorant about autism. In fact, I don't think that you intended to make such a generalisation but were probably caught up in the warranted frustration of the situation. That being said, so much has happened in terms of how we understanding autism and autistic people in the very recent past and it seems as though this new knowledge hasn't filtered down into all groups of people in society.

I would have said that you know the needs of your own child much better than she does; after all, it isn't her decision, nor would she be qualified to make such a decision. She would probably be offended by the brusqueness of this though and reply with the defensive 'but that's just my opinion'. Communication between autistic people and neurotypicals can be fraught with difficulty often just because we bring two different sets of values and norms to the interaction.

Until she realises how little she knows, if she ever does such a thing, then it's like reasoning with the unreasonable. I would bet that the 'Dunning-Krueger' effect exists here too (on her part).

I shouldn't laugh but the way you told it was funny, I experienced a similar thing when talking to an older neighbour over the fence, she asked me when my 19 year old son was going to get a job, and I said it's complicated because he's autistic, she then went on to tell me about someone she knew that worked in a restaurant, and he shouted hello to everyone but he was really nice and he managed to hold down a job so my son could as well, I think she was describing somebody with learning difficulties, and I just didn't know what to say, she clearly had no understanding of autism and I didn't have the time or Inclination to explain, some people think they know everything or more than you, they probably think they are being helpful but they are clearly not.

People can be so rude! However, I do find that if I respond in a manner where I'm assuming they're not trying to be rude, they're just very misguided, then it can be easier for me to find the right words. 

A non-confrontational but assertive response could be: 

"I'm sure your suggestion comes from a good place. However I do need to say that both myself and the professionals who work with my son are much better informed when it comes to assessing his needs"

The more knowledge I've gotten about Neurotypical Psychology, the easier it gets for me to respond.

This woman clearly has Control Issues: "Sorry, you'll need to get a hold on your control issues as my son is not yours to control. Perhaps you could abuse your own children instead?"

She's INSANELY ignorant. "I'm sorry you haven't kept up on the differences between the Neurotic-Paranoiac brain and the Autistic-Analytical brain. My son might not be at a Neuroypical pace, but we don't force a process in this family. We allow them to gain deep understanding not just intake useless and outdated information"

She's disrespectful, ill-mannered, condescending and ARROGANT. "Oh wow. Yeah. How about... Fvk off?" with a sweet smile and shrug is entirely appropriate for her inappropriate ignorance. She'll infect others like a bad flu. "I don't have time today" and continue to reiterate this - also appropriate. "Don't talk to my children or I'll get a restraint" might be extreme. But you could imply that you had to get one for some other Controlling, Paranoid Neurotic (this is a clinical an perfectly reasonable term btw, see Jaques Lacan).

Psychoanalysis has some excellent stuff to offer regarding the Neuro-typical functioning. They take to this Guilt-Shame encoding called Oedipalization. It's internalised and they run around like tiny Oedipal machines trying to control and dominate one another.  

I still go mute occasionally. It used to happen all the time when I was younger. Years of research later, I try to stay more alert to this nonsense and assert boundaries. We're nice unless pushed. Then it's a hard No. 

Edit: if you can try to End conversations with her as quick as she tries to start them. For individuals Like this, I usually leave reminders until the problem is sorted, even post-it notes in the Kitchen or by the Front Door. I might also practice a tactical distraction. Q "Is he going to primary" Response "Nope!" Or intentionally no answer followed by "I believe our new neighbours child is". Full stop.

Yes Martin your right I was being ageist, in hindsight I’ve used the wrong words. I apologise for that.  

I’ve judged her by her age as I’ve had a few experiences now all with older women who have commented similar things such as he doesn’t look like he’s has autism, I bet your glad he doesn’t look disabled, they grow out of autism as long as your a strict parent, and as she has said to me yesterday he looks like an angel so he must only be borderline autistic. 

My Nan, God rest her, was in denial of my issues. She was too much of a Big Shot; while playing poverty, nevertheless. But I hope she's happy in the next life. 

A bit ageist. I think that there are thoughtless and inappropriately assertive people in all age groups. I have come across numbers of ignorant and baselessly opinionated teenagers. The basics of human behaviour have probably not changed much over the last 30,000 years, a generation or two is nothing. I'm 60 and, being autistic and a biomedical scientist, I know a good deal about autism.

Oh my goodness that’s awful Stephen. Im sorry your mum says this too you. 

Its hard when ignorance affects others though. 

I guess some of the older generation are stuck in their way of thinking. 

My mother said I’m a insult to autistic people. I’m 39 and she’s old. Old people don’t understand autism, it’s stereotyped/mentally handicapped.

I just say ok mum.