Help on how to be a patient parent :(

The lack of focus and motivation, at least in a few specific areas, does not sound typically autistic; have you, or any clinicians involved, considered that he may also have ADD? ADD and ADHD are fairly common in autistics. The upside of ADD and ADHD is, unlike autism, they do respond to therapeutic drugs.

I was entirely unmotivated to do homework, as it interfered with the peace and quiet of home-time that I needed to recover from the draining social pressures of school. However, I ended up with 3 university degrees and a career in scientific research, so, unlike the spiel trotted out by today's teachers, homework is not really all that important, if you are working during the school day. Also, in Finland, where they have one of the best educational systems in the world, as measured by outcomes, homework is virtually unknown.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. I used to try to help with homework keeping calm whilst he struggled but have now realized it doesn't work.

I get the thing with instructions, the same reminders every day. It's the same at school although fortunately he has a helpful TA who helps him. It is so tiring and frustrating. At bedtime we get his toothbrush ready as it's easier. Re walking into a room and forgetting I do it myself often. So maybe I understand it more having the ASD similarity. 

Hope you are able to get the help to get the best for him in High school.

Thanks Mael! I do look at him and think it must be so hard in his world, but equally I'm jealous as he's so oblivious and nieve to the things around him. 

We do have lots of love, thankfully he's very tactile and the cuddles help! He would say his home is his safe space - I don't think he realises how stressed I am or that I'm screaming inside. Hence why I'm trying to learn how to cope now before he notices! 

It's hard to give him the time he needs and also my youngest when they are so different. 

Thanks again for your reminders and reassurance! 

Gently  helping him achieve his full potential ,that is the best you can do . Remember we are all different , Being autistic in this world is hard enough ,Being autistic  without an understanding parent, without a safe place is a nightmare .  Think of the long run .  I was all of the things above and a lot worse , we are just late bloomers .We work in a different way , i never did homework still got 11 o levels ,only had a job for one year, didn't see the point ,so worked  for myself .  I Own my 5 bedroom house and 16 acres outright ,just do the things i enjoy , wife ,6 kids .  Remember he is not doing it to annoy you , be his friend and he will be yours .

Thank you homebird.. 

School are amazing and he has a SEN plan. We are just awaiting a diagnosis, fingers crossed for one or without the EHCP he simply won't cope in high school! I don't do homework at all anymore - which I feel awful about as it's clear he's very behind. He doesn't really have friends just flits between kids who aren't really helping him! Thankfully he's oblivious to that. 

We don't have meltdowns, quite the opposite, my stress is entirely the lack of anything from him. Our routine is the same every day, I stick to the same even on the weekends for consistency. But tomorrow he'll have forgotten it. It's the constant reminding and he wants everyone to do everything for him - he's more than capable but cannot function without someone repeating the rules. I have flash cards, written instructions, egg timers, Alexa, laminated sheets etc etc but if he walks into a room alone he's forgotten the task. No working memory what so ever! Which is so hard when I'm on a timescale- and I can't be late I'm NHS!! Patients to see! 

I defo need some training. I'm so differently wired that we are clashing! 

Need to find a big hill to get to the top and scream.... 

Sorry you are going through a difficult time. In my experience there can be periods that are more difficult. As he is 10 I am wondering if he might be thinking of transition ahead if he is going to Secondary next year or it may be that as school gets more difficult he is struggling to cope at school. This could result in meltdowns when he gets home.

Have you talked to his school in case they can do more to help? If school is difficult for him would it help to have an EHCP?

Regarding homework we had problems with that as it was difficult for my son to do school at home. Can you discuss this with his school and other options? We have an agreement to do minimum homework.

You could also ask his school if there is any help locally. Our local area offer an appointment with someone who can help as well as courses for parents of children with ASD.

What also helps here is having a set routine on returning home, keeping as much as possible to set times for meals, getting ready for bed etc. When changes are needed this is discussed. This helps my son to feel more relaxed. I also have to choose battles and negotiate. 

It also sounds like you need some time to relax as stress can make it harder. You might wish to keep a note of the difficulties in case you are able to get DLA/PIP so you don't need to work so many hours. It is easier to cope with the challenges when you are not tired. Often it can feel like treading on eggshells so it is important to do all you can to look after yourself. 

I’m sorry I currently don’t have any advice for you but the fact you’re on here and worried about not doing enough for your son just proves you’re the best mum you can be for him. Keep going, you’re doing amazing! x