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Help on how to be a patient parent :(

Ros5147

Hi all, 

Looking for some advice before I truly lose my mind. 

My 10 Yr old is currently awaiting diagnosis, but likely ASD, slow processing, dyslexia. I also have a totally opposite advanced neurotypical 6 year old. 

I'm a single mum, renovating our house and working 2 jobs to pay the mortgage, something I'm proud of doing alone. 

But, coming from a family of hard working, motivated, achievers and with zero patience... I'm ashamed to admit that I'm really struggling to cope with my 10 year old who .

I truly don't know how to parent him. All the stress of day to day falls on me, school runs, homework (or lack of it and battles to do it), getting him up, getting him to bed etc. All me. And it's truly taking it's toll. I'm stressed and getting snappy and angry.

His dad has contact, we are good friends, but he's not helpful!! We can't share parenting anymore than we do due to his work commitments and distance we live away. All my family are too far away. 

Please help, I don't know what to do. I'm not enjoying my time with my boy, he isn't motivated to do anything. I shout a lot,  something I've never done before... I feel like the worst parent in the world. 

Everything is a battle :( and I'm losing

Parents

  • Sorry you are going through a difficult time. In my experience there can be periods that are more difficult. As he is 10 I am wondering if he might be thinking of transition ahead if he is going to Secondary next year or it may be that as school gets more difficult he is struggling to cope at school. This could result in meltdowns when he gets home.

    Have you talked to his school in case they can do more to help? If school is difficult for him would it help to have an EHCP?

    Regarding homework we had problems with that as it was difficult for my son to do school at home. Can you discuss this with his school and other options? We have an agreement to do minimum homework.

    You could also ask his school if there is any help locally. Our local area offer an appointment with someone who can help as well as courses for parents of children with ASD.

    What also helps here is having a set routine on returning home, keeping as much as possible to set times for meals, getting ready for bed etc. When changes are needed this is discussed. This helps my son to feel more relaxed. I also have to choose battles and negotiate. 

    It also sounds like you need some time to relax as stress can make it harder. You might wish to keep a note of the difficulties in case you are able to get DLA/PIP so you don't need to work so many hours. It is easier to cope with the challenges when you are not tired. Often it can feel like treading on eggshells so it is important to do all you can to look after yourself. 

Reply

  • Sorry you are going through a difficult time. In my experience there can be periods that are more difficult. As he is 10 I am wondering if he might be thinking of transition ahead if he is going to Secondary next year or it may be that as school gets more difficult he is struggling to cope at school. This could result in meltdowns when he gets home.

    Have you talked to his school in case they can do more to help? If school is difficult for him would it help to have an EHCP?

    Regarding homework we had problems with that as it was difficult for my son to do school at home. Can you discuss this with his school and other options? We have an agreement to do minimum homework.

    You could also ask his school if there is any help locally. Our local area offer an appointment with someone who can help as well as courses for parents of children with ASD.

    What also helps here is having a set routine on returning home, keeping as much as possible to set times for meals, getting ready for bed etc. When changes are needed this is discussed. This helps my son to feel more relaxed. I also have to choose battles and negotiate. 

    It also sounds like you need some time to relax as stress can make it harder. You might wish to keep a note of the difficulties in case you are able to get DLA/PIP so you don't need to work so many hours. It is easier to cope with the challenges when you are not tired. Often it can feel like treading on eggshells so it is important to do all you can to look after yourself. 

Children
  • in reply to Homebird

    Thank you homebird.. 

    School are amazing and he has a SEN plan. We are just awaiting a diagnosis, fingers crossed for one or without the EHCP he simply won't cope in high school! I don't do homework at all anymore - which I feel awful about as it's clear he's very behind. He doesn't really have friends just flits between kids who aren't really helping him! Thankfully he's oblivious to that. 

    We don't have meltdowns, quite the opposite, my stress is entirely the lack of anything from him. Our routine is the same every day, I stick to the same even on the weekends for consistency. But tomorrow he'll have forgotten it. It's the constant reminding and he wants everyone to do everything for him - he's more than capable but cannot function without someone repeating the rules. I have flash cards, written instructions, egg timers, Alexa, laminated sheets etc etc but if he walks into a room alone he's forgotten the task. No working memory what so ever! Which is so hard when I'm on a timescale- and I can't be late I'm NHS!! Patients to see! 

    I defo need some training. I'm so differently wired that we are clashing! 

    Need to find a big hill to get to the top and scream....