When to tell 8 year old

Thank you Peter. I will definitely have a look at that. It was very strange and since my daughter was diagnosed, getting any support for her has felt like a battle. She was under a speech therapist and educational psychologist at the time and was really struggling at school so the school were happy to start the process so there would be extra provision for her and even the possibility of her needing to go to a specialist school. But the senco pulled me aside and said because she was classed as high functioning because and I quote "she could read, write and her comprehension was good" the council would just reject her application so there was no point in going further with it. I knew absolutely nothing about the process or even autism back then so I stupidly took the word of this 'professional' and stopped the application. As I said my daughter is now almost 16,in her last year of school and hasn't had in school support since starting secondary school because she doesn't have an iep.

Yes, I'm a world-class worrier - even worse since becoming a parent! There was a small incident at the childminders the other day, mine and another boy both ended up in tears. Other boy's mum seemed like she wasn't happy about what had happened and my mind conjured up this bizarre situation where she might still be pissed off the next day and end up mentioning something about autism in front of my son either slipping out through anger or in spite....She's really nice and there's absolutely no way that would happen but my mind seems to take me on these crazy obsessive worry journeys and then I end up making forum posts on when I should tell my son in case someone else does first!   

Kids really are so resilient. Also I think as parents who want the best for their children we are all guilty of that! I worry myself sick worrying about mine and I don't know about you but it's usually for stuff that hasn't happened and probably will never happen. It's hard work this parenting malarkey isn't it?! :) 

Kj said:

Her primary school started the iep process but was deemed too high functioning to continue

I am not a lawyer, this is nor legal advice, but that may be illegal. When determining whether some one counts as disabled the messure is their ability compared to what it would be if they didn't have the impairment. Please see this account of Elliot v Dorset County Council for more detail.

Growing up knowing you are different from everyone else defines you whether you have a label for it or not. Thing is when you tell people you're some how different they'll tell you you're pretentious and a snowflake. Having a label makes it easier to make others understand it's not just the whim of a fanciful child when he says he's different.

Thanks, I'm sure it will be fine - he's more resilient than we give him credit for sometimes but I'm a worrier lol

Sounds like it will be fine. I like the idea of talking about the people that he knows. Good luck with it all :) 

We had considered talking about some people that he knows. Last year's World's Strongest Man, Tom Stoltman is autistic and has made a few videos about it so I think that may be a way of subtly starting to talk about it and what it means. Depending on the outcome of my assessment I think that's another angle too. We have talked a bit about our similarities and things that we both have trouble with, and he's such a Daddy's boy too that he'll probably be glad if we have another thing in common!

My daughter was diagnosed when she was 6 and was too young to understand what being autistic meant but she felt that she was different to her peers at school as she didn't have friends to play with and found school difficult to cope with and was having meltdowns daily. I have always been mindful of not wanting the diagnosis to define her but also tried to be upfront and honest with her about why she doesn't see the world the way others do and I honestly believe this has been a help rather than a hindrance. I just slowly introduced her to it and how people's brains perceive the world differently and built it up that way gradually. Books aimed at informing children about autism is a good idea. 

She is now 15 and will shortly be taking her Gcses and has gone through secondary school without any support at school whatsoever. Her primary school started the iep process but was deemed too high functioning to continue and without that has been basically left to fend for herself in secondary school. I used to work at the school and she received some (minimal) support but when i left that support seemed to magically disappear! If your son has an iep I would recommend that you really get everything you think he might need before he starts secondary school because I've found it's twice as hard to get support for them as they get older.

My daughter has understood what it means to be autistic for a while now but is still learning what it means for her and how it affects her daily. She is also just now learning what her boundaries are and recognising when to take herself away because she is overwhelmed rather than relying on me to do that for her. My own diagnosis was very recent and she has been delighted in teaching me all about what it means to have autism and I think that's so sweet. 

She is also proud to be autistic and doesn't want to be a boring NT anyway :)

But above all you know your son. Would laying some groundwork as it were cause him distress? 

maybe look on amazon for 'my autism' type kids books and start a convo that way? hope you find a way,, i can only advise what works for my son and its been honest and direct.

When he was diagnosed he had only just started school so we felt that we didn't want to overload him with even more "new" to contend with. As he has progressed through school he seems to have developed an ability to cope with most of his sensory issues and only has occasional problems with controlling emotions. He has an IEP in place but it is fairly basic - we haven't really pushed this as we don't feel he currently needs a huge amount of support day-to-day it's mostly just the need for teachers to understand him (ie being able to anticipate the issues before they arise) that is needed. We asked his Y2 teacher (who had an older autistic son with significant support needs) what she thought and she and the SENCO both felt that since his support needs were quite low and he seemed to be doing well that there wasn't much rush. 

I agree with you that he needs to know, if we were going through diagnosis now it would be much easier as he would be asking more questions about the appointments and assessments and that would open up the conversation. I'm not sure if he would actually remember his assessments now though. 

if hes been assessed and given the autism diagnosis he should know hes autistic, i spoke to my son during this time telling him he was being assessed for autism and when he got diagnosed i told him. i dont really know what id do in your situation,, maybe start a convo asking if he remembers all the doctors visits and assessments etc and ask if he understands that it was for autism; does he get support in school? you could ask for an appointment with the school support person see how they been dealing with it.