When to tell 8 year old

Our son was diagnosed about the time he started school and over the time he has been in school he has become much better at dealing with his day-to-day (mainly sensory issues and control of emotions). He still has bad days and often spends all day at school and the childminder masking and then all the emotion floods out when he gets home in the evening. 

We did start to approach the subject of autism a couple of times. We once had a conversation with him where he did show an appreciation of the fact that noises affected him lots more than they did his peers but that was about as much as we discussed. Another time he overheard his Mum and I talking about his favourite strongman who is autistic and he asked what that meant.  

We don't want to bring autism up in a way that is going to end up defining him, but equally if he is noticing ways that he seems different from his peers (I am going through assessment at the moment and remember how I felt very different to other kids when I was young) I don't know if having that knowledge will make him understand why a little better. We also don't want to leave it too late that he might react badly that we never told him before.

Most of me thinks (hopes) that it will be obvious when the time is right, but there is a small part of me (the massive overthinker/worrier) that says I should be thinking about it is appropriate to do so. Does anyone have any advice or experience they can share about how and when we should be talking to him about his diagnosis?

Parents
  • My daughter was diagnosed when she was 6 and was too young to understand what being autistic meant but she felt that she was different to her peers at school as she didn't have friends to play with and found school difficult to cope with and was having meltdowns daily. I have always been mindful of not wanting the diagnosis to define her but also tried to be upfront and honest with her about why she doesn't see the world the way others do and I honestly believe this has been a help rather than a hindrance. I just slowly introduced her to it and how people's brains perceive the world differently and built it up that way gradually. Books aimed at informing children about autism is a good idea. 

    She is now 15 and will shortly be taking her Gcses and has gone through secondary school without any support at school whatsoever. Her primary school started the iep process but was deemed too high functioning to continue and without that has been basically left to fend for herself in secondary school. I used to work at the school and she received some (minimal) support but when i left that support seemed to magically disappear! If your son has an iep I would recommend that you really get everything you think he might need before he starts secondary school because I've found it's twice as hard to get support for them as they get older.

    My daughter has understood what it means to be autistic for a while now but is still learning what it means for her and how it affects her daily. She is also just now learning what her boundaries are and recognising when to take herself away because she is overwhelmed rather than relying on me to do that for her. My own diagnosis was very recent and she has been delighted in teaching me all about what it means to have autism and I think that's so sweet. 

    She is also proud to be autistic and doesn't want to be a boring NT anyway :)

    But above all you know your son. Would laying some groundwork as it were cause him distress? 

  • We had considered talking about some people that he knows. Last year's World's Strongest Man, Tom Stoltman is autistic and has made a few videos about it so I think that may be a way of subtly starting to talk about it and what it means. Depending on the outcome of my assessment I think that's another angle too. We have talked a bit about our similarities and things that we both have trouble with, and he's such a Daddy's boy too that he'll probably be glad if we have another thing in common!

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  • We had considered talking about some people that he knows. Last year's World's Strongest Man, Tom Stoltman is autistic and has made a few videos about it so I think that may be a way of subtly starting to talk about it and what it means. Depending on the outcome of my assessment I think that's another angle too. We have talked a bit about our similarities and things that we both have trouble with, and he's such a Daddy's boy too that he'll probably be glad if we have another thing in common!

Children